


Sleeping with Ghosts

by Gritta



Category: Leedus - Fandom, Rickyl - Fandom, The Walking Dead (TV)
Genre: A lot of blabla, A lot of real facts mixed with fiction, Also perfect if Leedus is your life, Also: the famous hug scene, But maybe you'll like it, Imperfect in grammar, Love, M/M, Many chapters perfect if you are bored or lonely or waiting somewhere, My First Work in This Fandom, Perfect to read in bed, Romance Novel, The squirrel scene, a lot of drama, but who cares
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-11
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2018-05-26 00:19:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 72
Words: 64,213
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6216019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gritta/pseuds/Gritta
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A fanfic about Leedus, focusing more on the emotional aspect, than on anything else. A lot of thoughts. Hope, Desperation, Need, Love, Angst, Dreams,....</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Like a lightning

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading <3
> 
> \----  
> Timeline in story: the characters have finished the screening of season 6, later it will jump to season 8  
> Andrew or Norman if you'll ever come across this, I love you so much and don't want to hurt you or your family, so this goes to everyone out there:
> 
> THIS IS AND STAYS A WORK OF FICTION. I DON'T KNOW THEM. It is all how I imagine them to be, to react, so never mix that up with the reality please :)  
> \----
> 
> Please apologise my bad English, it's my first try to write a story in another language. So don't expect right grammar ;P I really try and for what native speakers might need 1h, I need 3h so don't be too harsh :) If you are a Beta reader and would like to help me, please contact.  
> \-------
> 
> The story has some sub plots at the beginning, but everything has something to do with Leedus.   
> Honestly, it's so much Leedus, that you might say at the end "Ok, I give up on my crush. They should have each other."

"Yeah totally!", Norman shouted to Melissa, using his hands as some kind of megaphone "See ya at your birthday!". He closed the door of his trailer, went to his bed an sat down. The smile, he had carried along while the whole goodbye-cast party procedure, was gone in seconds.

The actor expected to find himself in a bubble of silence, but he still heard people outside laughing and drinking. Lauren's trailer was right next to his and although all crew members had an exclusive, expansive one, you could still hear loud voices. Usually he enjoyed that, it gave him a feeling of a buzzing, lively home. The one Norman never had in his childhood. He remembered a youth of moving from country to country, always surrounded by people, but never by a family with brothers and cousins and grandmas like everyone else. No christmas gathering where the lil kids gave a flute concert, no self-knitted socks by an aunt, and no drunk uncle. Although the actor liked to bring that up on various interviews.

One christmas, he was invited to his friend's house and the evening was an imitation of "Kevin alone at home" but without the main character being alone. 20 people of different ages ran the stairs up and down, a total chaos, but a lovely one. As the evening continued, the adults started to drink vodka, because god knows why. The uncle, a man in his mid fifties, stumbled upon his own feet, fell down, laughed and then kissed his wife who tried to help him up. Norman liked to bring that story up while explaining Daryl's character. It felt so normal to talk about normal issues everyone could identify with. Except, he couldn't. He never had a christmas like this and also not the drunk uncle. But the actor adapted it to his life story, convincing himself it was his own blurred, but true, gilded remembrance.

1 am. He didn't realise how long he sat there until his phone vibrated. Mingus was calling so he picked up the phone. "Huh?", it was a Hello, not a question. Mingus replied "Just wanted to know if ya coming home tonight cause if not I'm going to order a family pizza on my own right now. Hell I'm starving and the fridge is empty because my Dad does not care about his son." Norman knew it was a joke, but he felt guilty immediately. "Sorry bro, we were having a party...", the father said but didn't mention that he left very early and sat on his bed for hours, "Coming home but please order something. My purse is-" "Know where your purse is." "Right, see ya then." 

Norman hang up and tried not to think about that Mingus could have ordered on his own but insisted to wait for him. He was such a good boy, maybe a lil poser but no troublemaker like his father in his youth. Helena and him always tried to raise him with love, understanding and zero violence. They both knew too bad what damage it could bring. So they had simple but working rules: They wanted to know where Mingus went and with who he spend his time with. If they didn't know the kid they asked questions. It was a bit like the Walking Dead ritual. "How many Walkers have you killed?" turned into "Do you know this kid from school?". They never overdid it, giving Mingus of course freedom to meet his first girlfriend and not have to talk about it. But at least they knew his friend preferences and where to call, if he got home late. 

The actor took a look around, he had gathered his private things 2 days ago so he had to grab some laundry only, putting it in a blue Nike bag. The rest, mini action figures, fan drawings and Walking Dead souvenirs, could stay. The producers wanted everybody too feel home when they arrive every season. Nobody wanted a hotel room atmosphere, it should be as natural as possible. They knew it couldn't replace the actors real homes and they did not intend to. The trailers were equipped with a small bed, a kitchen, a fridge and a table. Many Hollywood directors had stated, that the star wagons ruined the business, because the crew needed to long to gather everybody and that some people got the feeling of being on holiday with all that equipment. Not at the Walking Dead. They knew, everybody was working so hard to give their best and that you like to lay down after 6 hours of filming for half an hour, before you start filming again. Ain't nobody wanted to sit on a director's chair for hours or rest there. They did also knew, that the trailers were good for social reasons, but of course no one could tell if friendships really happened. Norman spend a lot of time in trailers alone, before he came here. One of the many reasons, Norman appreciated his job. He thought about how much fun he had here. The one time he did a weed cake with Melissa, laughing the whole time even before he ate a piece. The water war with Steven, who followed him in his trailer with a super soaker shouting "I am Korean, not Chinese!" both breaking down in laughter, soaking wet. The one time Chandler came here and talked with him about a girl he met and Norman felt super proud because he came to ask HIM for advice, although he felt he had created more confusion than before. "Well..I don't know man....it's hard...you gotta do what you gotta do man....just say something nice or something...like 'I like your hair'....or if she is pretty but her hair is not, say 'you have pretty ears'....". 

And then Norman thought of his most frequent guest. 

He didn't want to. He shouldn't do.

But the name came up like a lightning. Powerful, bright and blinding.

You could not stop it. You could only watch and wait till it was over.

A n d r e w.


	2. Throwing squirrels

Andrew fucking Clutterbuck. 

With eyes so mesmerizing, voice so strong yet soft, laugh so contagious. 

The first three things Norman noticed about his co-star, were probably burned in his memory forever.

They had not shook hands before the famous squirrel scene. Not because Andrew did not want to, but because he shot other scenes that day and when Norman entered the place, everything had to go really quickly. Producer, Camera men, Cast members, a whole group of people looking after the perfect light and make up - it was a place like a beehive, everyone being busy. Andrew surely did know that a new actor was coming along so he friendly waved hello from the other side of the road, to be interrupted by a make up artist right after, who put powder on the actor's forehead. 

Norman was nervous, since everyone else knew that Daryl was invented only because of him. The least thing he needed was making a mistake, ruin the whole scene, showing that he was not ready for it. Of course he was super exited and he liked the imagination of playing that character, but he struggled with the fear of not being accepted. They seemed to be such a great team, especially Jon and Andrew were talking the whole time and he was that creepy guy with more creepier movies. 

So Norman leant against a car and tried to look not stupid, while hoping for a wonder like cigarette rain. He simply did not know what to do with his hands. They were always in the way somehow. His mother went crazy over him when he did drum beats on the doorframe for the tenth time. He also cut names in the kitchen table with the expansive knife from Japan and trying to set every paper or note he could get on fire. But in L.A. were a lot of people who liked their furniture to be untouched, especially at parties, so he started to begin smoking very early. He didn't even like it, but it calmed him down. Also everybody else did it in Hollywood. The men to look cool like James Dean, the women to resemble a mysterious roaring 20s look. It was strange not to.

"READY EVERYONE?...aaaaand ACTION!" Norman found himself like waking up from a dream but into a dream. It was surreal and it was amazing. From the first take on he knew this was what he wanted to do the next year, standing here with these people, playing this strange Dixon character. Then he had to throw the squirrels and it was not his anxiety to ask Andrew how to do it. It was suddenly that he felt safe here, but was curious to know about the co-stars opinion. It was like a sports match, playing Baseball and the British man was the catcher. Norman was so into the scene and how to make it practically the best, that he did not think about how funny it must have sounded. Andrew was the first who laughed and everyone else followed. The man, who looked very concentrated before, showed his big smile, like one of those you rarely see on people, a shining bright smile mixed with a curious look. Norman loved it from the beginning. He made Andrew Lincoln laugh. 

People had called Norman mysterious, dark, sexy - but not funny. He loved to share his humour but it mostly ended in a lot of stares from other people than laughter. He hated that fucking silence after he dropped a line and everyone else went silent. This was only topped by the moment after, when people turned around to talk to someone else or apologised with "Alright...I'll go look for another drink.". It happened a lot and it made feel Norman even more like the weirdo he always imagined himself. One of the few persons who shared his laugh was Sean Patrick. But he hadn't seen him since ages. 

After that scene Andrew went over and slapped on his back, saying "Great job, I really think you fit in here mate. And that squirrel throw," he laughed again, "was one of a kind. You are Norman, right? I'm Andrew." They shook hands. "Yeah, right,...this is awesome...to be here...with all of you." He wanted to make it sound more intelligent, more friendly, more cool since he noticed that Andrew's accent alone was elegant by itself. But he couldn't come up with a better response. Andrew seemed to not care, they spoke the whole time between the scenes and also on their way back to the studios. Norman relaxed more and more, he also opened up to the other actors, still feeling a little bit like an outsider. But only because he was used to this behaviour, not because the others made him one. 

From that day on Andrew did everything to integrate him within the team and Norman himself did feel more and more accepted, liked and welcomed like never before.

A n d r e w.

1:30 am. "FUCK" Norman shouted, put the last worn socks in the bag, took his phone and went outside. Nobody was there anymore, only a security with a flashlight in the distance. Meanwhile the others had gone home for sure. He locked the door, walked to his motorcycle and stored the bag away. He put on his helmet, climbed on his bike and drove off. Fortunately he concentrated on getting home as soon as possible, instead of thinking about how he would not drive back here tomorrow. 

Only when Mingus and him had finished the cold pizza, his son went to bed with a "Night." and Norman was completely alone in his own bedroom, cuddled up in his blanket - the sadness arrived. 

It lulled him in like a false melody from the sirens, the sea nymphs, who wanted to make him sleepy and weak, only to kill him over and over again in his nightmares.


	3. The message

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought about this chapter a lot, if it's ok to bring in Norman's family since I don't think he would like that. I think Norman in real life would say "Write whatever you want but don't bring in my kid." I portrayed him or let's say the fictional Norman as a loving father who has a great bond with his son. That's how I interpreted it while seeing pictures. That's how a typical day could be - or not, only they know. But a fanfic is no documentary it's all about imagination and creation and although this story is about Leedus I couldn't write without bringing in some other characters. Well, I could but that is the plot of my imaginative world and I believe that for some chapters it's ok to portray a day like this, since I will also write about two real actors. I only was unsure because here we are talking about a kid. So you all must know, the kid is also the fictional kid. It's not Mingus Reedus. It's the implied one, that's how they call it in literary theory and that's how everyone else should see it :) I'm writing this being half way through the chapter, nobody told me to do a statement but I wanted to clarify again as the writer, warning you to not mix it up with the real life. Cause that's what might hurt Norm and I don't want that. Nobody wants that, right? :D The last person who wants that is his lover boy :D (I'm so Leedus-lost it hurts, talking about "fiction" sorry just kidding :*D)
> 
> The story hasn't begun yet, stay patient Leedus fans :) Thank you so much for reading, the hits and kudos made me freak out :D <3 I would truly know what you think about this story so far, so please comment :)

Norman woke up with a headache. An invisible souvenir from his eye operation that was kept forever inside this fickle nerve cell shelf. The man imagined it this way, like in a kids cartoon and that's how he explained it to everyone else. When he opened his eyes, the bright sunlight, which managed to enter his bedroom without his allowance, blinded his view. He closed his eyes again only to suddenly open it in fear "YOUR LATE JERK!" he screamed to himself. Norman rushed out of his bed, almost falling over his black boots, that he carelessly left in the middle of the room with his other clothes yesterday. He put on some boxer shorts and with a silent "DAMN" - a one which should be louder but wasn't because his throat was dry - he rushed into the bathroom. He quickly brushed his teeth, thinking about having a shower right after, when he suddenly heard a voice.

"Dad? Are you ok?" Mingus entered the bedroom, talking to him through the door. The father opened it in a rush, still the toothbrush in his mouth, toothpaste all over his mouth, like a dog having rabies. "Mrng, 'm lte!" Mingus started to laugh and instead of an reply, he grabbed his phone and took a picture. "Sending this to Mum right now" Norman tried to take the phone out of his son's hand, but the boy flinched. Years of experience with doing stunts in the Walking Dead had given Norman a very good skill to react. He took another long step forward, grabbed the arm of his son and gave him a fireman's lift. "Dad you are too old for this shit!" his boy shouted from the back, trying to escape. But Norman carried him downstairs, went outside in the garden and headed for the pool.  
"NO DAD SERIOUSLY!" Mingus tried to make them both fall into the grass. 

'This kid is trained" Norman thought, but the father was still stronger. He took his son's phone, threw it on a table and said "You know what? I think the kids nowadays should spend more time outside, not owing your soul to Steve Jobs or Counter Strike." 

"YOU ARE THE ONE WITH AN IPHONE AND THE GAMES!" "Oh yeah? Yeah, I guess I'm really too old for this shit" and with that said he threw Mingus in the pool.

While his son climbed outside the pool, clothes, hair and skin soaking wet, Norman thought "Where would I be without him?" They both had a strong bond and the man was glad that he and his ex were still friends after all. It made everything easier and hold this dream from the parents alive, that their boy should always felt loved. "I hate you" Mingus jokingly said, smiling all over his face. It was hot outside so no need to be angry. Also it was an ongoing joke between the two that never got old. Norman could see himself in that pool fully dressed up tomorrow already. "Love ya too." he pat his son's head. 

"But about you being late, there is no late today right? You have finished filming yesterday." Mingus mentioned, noticing the hurried-up walk inside from his Dad. Norman stood still "Jeez! You are right! Think I have to get used to this first."  
"You are getting so old, next thing is me feeding you." Mingus headed upstairs towards his own room.  
"You know what they say, when you reach a high age, you are becoming more and more a child again." Norman shouted from the kitchen.  
Mingus turned one more time, "Normal people, but you stayed a child your whole life Dad." and with a smile he was gone.

When did his own child become wiser than him? Everything happened so fast and Mingus was almost a grown up man now. Norman opened the fridge and took a bottle of orange juice out of it. He drank half of it, till his throat felt not dry anymore and his headache was gone. The heat in Georgia could kill you, that's what they don't tell you when you move here.

They also don't tell you that you will fall in love with a man who is married and have kids, when you are a man yourself and have also a kid from a relationship. 

No one tells you that, no one prepares you for that. 

Maybe Sean Patrick Flanery, but that's another story.

The doorbell rang, "It's the driver, coming!" Mingus shouted from the room above, hurrying to come downstairs with two huge bags. He was fully dressed in new clothes, wearing shorts and a white shirt with a logo Norman did not know, but he guessed it was a rapper.

"Why didn't you say anything could have helped ya." 

"It's alright, packed yesterday.", his son said, hugging his father. 

"Okay," his father hugged him back, "... so have fun in Manhattan and take care of your Mum.", Norman always felt sad when his son left, although he enjoyed being alone. Mingus opened the door but still facing his Dad. 

"What are you going to do now?" 

"Don't know..maybe eat or-" 

"Nah I mean the next weeks?" 

"Are you afraid that I'm turning into emo mode?" Norman joked around.

Mingus said nothing and waited for another answer. He was so grown up.

"I'll shoot episodes of the bike show, we have this special one which will be about retro motorcycles and-"

"Lord I'm leaving" Mingus said with a smile and went outside. He never was a true fan for the bikes but his father tried from time to time. 'Someday he'll get there and want to have this absolute feeling of freedom, too.' the actor told himself over and over.

"BYE" he shouted all over the yard, still waving when the car and therefore his son have driven off already.

Norman stood in front of the entrance to his apartment, not sure what to do next. He didn't want to think about how much he missed the whole crew right now. It was not evening yet and such a sunny, lovely day. He could go for a tour, driving to his favorite lake which was just around the corner. He could go eat a hotdog. He could visit a girl he saw from time to time. Just to talk. Not like the other times, where he went there because he simply wanted to feel some love, physical love. 

He hated himself for doing it. First he felt guilty of hurting her feelings but when he told her that he was sorry she was surprised. 

"Look you are very handsome but I could never be in a relationship with you. You're a wreck." she told him honestly. 

He always choose more confident, straight talking women; that's what he'll get from it. She was a free spirit, spent her childhood on a farm but dreamed about becoming an actress in Los Angeles. Norman had organised a lot of castings for her, because even with her talent and independence, the competition was hard. 

Hollywood directors did rarely search for a young, funny countryside girl with a strong accent, since they already had very successful ones. They went for the New York models, told them to play the natural girl, but not to BE one. 

He liked her and didn't want it to turn into a friends with benefits thing. The man felt more bad about it than she did. So he hasn't call her again for 3 months now.

Norman sighed and went inside. Maybe he should give it a try. He switched on his phone, ignored the thousands of new comments and likes on instagram and went to his address book. 

'Do it, you don't want to be alone tonight.' said the voice in his head. 'What do you think will Andy do tonight hm?'

He closed his eyes, feeling an urge to be beside someone, not so much sexually driven, but to feel. To taste. To smell. To satisfy some part of his brain and delude it with a fake relationship to not throw up every 5 minutes about the thought of Andrew being at his real home, with his real family, with his real wife.

He hated himself for thinking like that. 

He also hated himself for wanting to meet the girl without having a love interest for her, although it was totally ok for her, cause "We are adults, we can make choices without having to marry. The 50s are over." she said over and over.

Still, he felt desperate.

Norman was ready tapping the "call" button, but suddenly in the background the alerts for new comments started to explode. But he hadn't uploaded anything for 2 days.

OMG HAVE YOU SEEN IT? *.* @bigbaldhead  
Oh my O.O  
@addkllfi it's happening!  
hahahaha Norman you should see it <3 please  
! @dopejjskdhl  
We love you Norman  
ajajjajaja  
Lol @dsfloeuekdsl  
<3 NORMAN OMG ARE YOU READY FOR THIS?  
We're with you <3 <3 <3 @bigbaldhead

 

What the fuck was happening? He quickly went to instagram, but nobody was explaining anything. He opened twitter, since there he wished to find not only people heart-commenting and LOL-ing, but giving him information. 

One follower had posted a link and a lot of people had liked it. So he opened it nervously.

And then he saw it.


	4. The call

Los Angeles Times:  
_BREAKING NEWS: WALKING DEAD: REAL LIFE LOVE AFFAIR?_  
_According to Hollywood Mag an Insider had given information about a new, sparkling romance right from the Walking Dead Filmset._  
_This time it seemed like not simply gossip, but the actual truth: The series stars Andrew Lincoln and Danai Gurira were spotted yesterday arriving Paris airport, holding hands and sharing a kiss._  
_The actors had finished filming season 6 yesterday. Lincoln had stated earlier to fly directly back to his family and wife Gael Anderson in England, whereas Danai, who has a boyfriend, was expected to see in Paris because of a Fashion Week Show._  
_It seems like the romance between the characters Rick Grimes and Michonne had an effect on the two actors, as you can see in the pictures below._  
_Both are known for keeping their privacy and families out of Hollywood's gossip radars. __  
_

Under the article there were two pictures of two people at an airport. A tall man dressed in jeans and a windbreaker, a green baseball cap on his head, had shouldered a huge bag and hold another one with his hand. The woman next to him wore more fashionable but still casual clothes, white sunglasses, a white top with black dotted trousers, a huge grey coloured scarf hanging around her neck like a poncho and a small brown handbag. They were holding hands in one photo, walking closely next to each other, looking forward with no emotion. In the other picture they were standing somewhere outside, seemed liked waiting and kissing each other. It was no HD quality but you could totally see who it was. 

Norman's looked at the picture with gaping mouth. His heart dropped into his gut. 

Andrew and Danai.

No? Just no?

Then his mind started to work again and quickly changed to analysing the subject.

This was nothing but a photoshopped picture! A fan prank gone wrong and the media did buy it. 

But the Times? Since when did they write about gossip so much?

He walked to his living room, sat on his coach and opened his laptop. If google knew it, everyone knew it. 

_search for: Andrew Lincoln Danai Gurira_

In a blink, the results in the "news" category were shown up. 

"Oh.....no....no..." Norman whispered to himself, "No." 

Every magazine and newspaper had bought it. 

_"ANDREW LINCOLN DATES CO-STAR"_  
"RICK GRIMES AND MICHONNE: MORE THAN FICTION  
"WALKING DEAD STAR CHEATS ON WIFE"  
"IS THIS THE NEW WOMAN IN ANDREW LINCOLN'S LIFE?"  
"YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS RICHONNE STORY"  
"LINCOLN ADAPTS RICK GRIMES LIFE STYLE"  


Rude. So rude. That's all Norman thought. 

He stood up, feelings full of anger in him, the desire to punch somebody or to break glass. 

'Alert them!'

He sat down in a rush and grabbed for his private phone, which was laying next to his laptop. The phone was for close friends contacts only, running with no apps like Instagram or twitter. Privacy. But it was annoying to handle two phones so he watched on it only once or twice a day. In fact, the last time he checked was 1 day ago.

5 calls. Friends. 

35 whatsapp messages. 

He went through them but besides congratulations and "Will miss you" from a lot of TWD crew members, nothing about this shit.

Was he the first to know? Was everyone else in shock, too? Were they too polite to say anything?

Norman was sweating. He did not think about his crush this time, he thought about Gael and the kids. He thought about Danai and her rocky road to success, how she completely worked for her acting career all her life, when Norman was only somebody who yelled at rich LA people at a party. 

The actor did not know a lot about VIP gossip, he never read things like that because he knew how much damage it made to the artists. Of course, some used also bad publicity to get more famous but none of his friends had ever done such a thing.

His laptop was still open so the man switched back to the photos.

No doubt. The two of them. 

THIS IS NOT TRUE THEY ARE NOT KISSING.

He nervously grabbed his phone and called Steven. Norman trusted him and the Korean was a social media addict like him, he might have seen it right now.

"Hey it's Steven, leave a message right after-"

Damn mailbox. 

He called Melissa, with the same result.

No wonder, since they all wanted and needed a break after yesterday, telling each other to stay away from the phone the next days to not be too sad. Time with family and time to relax.

There was only one solution left. He had to call one of them, to tell them that there were some serious steps to do now. Give a statement. The form didn't matter, it could be a funny post or an official announcement. They just had to clear things up before paparazzis were showing up on in front of their their homes like wolves, waiting for Andrew's kids to come out and tear them into pieces by bringing up questions like "So Mammy and Daddy are going to get divorced now, who will you choose to live with?"

Yesterday was all about Norman and his dreams, his feelings, his desires. He had made a plan on how not to think about Andrew, how not to write him, how to play hard to get, how to make him jealous, wishing for a response somehow to ultimately know what was going on between the two.

Today he only thought about the happiness of his friends, not his own.

He trembled but managed to stood up again and went to his work desk. There, pinned up against the wall, under layers and layers of Restaurant flyers, he found the number on a post-it. 

Norman was one of the less people who had it. He only called once so far.

It was not hard to guess that Norman couldn't handle the situation and also didn't want to do anything that could make Gael go jealous. She always laughed about the bromance and was not anything else than super kind to Norman. She saw Rickyl as a fan thing and also knew, that Norman had a family, too. But she was an intelligent woman as well, so one day, Andrew told Norman, she asked her man about the sexuality of his co-star. 

"He is straight. He dates a girl from time to time as well." Of course Andy knew about the farmer girl. 

"I could understand if he falls in love with you." That's how Gael was. You could only love her. 

But the actor could not overcome his feeling for her man. Being next to them, seeing them holding hands, joking, kiss, it was hell and only hell for him. 

TUUT-TUUT-TUUT

Damn Andy, pick up!

"Norman Reedus is that you?"

Norman hold his breath. He tapped the call button so quickly without thinking about the scenario of Gael picking up the phone.

"Hello?" the woman asked again, stretching the o in her british accent.

"Ehm....yeah...it's me...Hey."

"Oh, hey."

Her voice sounded weak, more like in a distance.

"Yeah hey." Norman repeated himself, insecure in his own way.

Silence. This was so awkward, Norman should have said anything, like "What are you doing?", "Tell me about the kids" Anything. Usually he would make a joke but Gael sounded different. 

"So...can I talk to Andrew?" he tried to said very lightly. The man controlled himself to not nickname, making it sound all "I'm not your husband's bff".

There was a long pause at the end of the phone.

"Gael?"

He checked his phone, the connection still there.

"Gael, hear me?"

A cry. A small cry.

All in a sudden Norman sat up anxiously on his sofa. 

His mouth felt dry. 

His nerves were at the breaking point. 

And with the next words which fled out of Gael's mouth silently, resembling soft but sad autumn rain, and a click that indicated she hung up the phone, the man found himself on his feet:

"He....he....did...not....come home........he is in Paris."


	5. Tomorrow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Are you still enjoying Leedus hell, with this story that gives you nothing but more and more shattered dreams?  
> It'll make all sense in the end.  
> I promise.

\---  
Andrew's view  
\---

An ocean of purple shadows embraced the old buildings of the city, afraid only in touching the artificial orange light, that kept shining on the most famous places. 

It was like an oil painting with two colors merging into each other, almost blurring the borders of dark and light. 

Washing away the traces of the painter himself and

when he started to draw, 

where he set the brush first

and what happened, when purple met orange for the first time.

Did he watch without hesitation or with fear, helplessly unable to stop it?

Andrew stood on his balcony, hands touching the cold stone of the rail, while watching the evening skyline of Paris with the Notre-Dam in the distance. 

Everything was so beautiful and artsy. Even the balustrade right here looked like in a Romeo and Juliet movie, with the difference that this was no Hollywood replica. 

Norman would have loved it. 

"Andy."

Andrew turned around. He was so preoccupied that he didn't see her coming into his room. She walked outside and positioned herself leaning against the rail, gazing to the horizon.

"What a view." Danai said.

"Isn't it?" Andrew replied, following her look.

They both stood very closely to each other, but their bodies did not touch.

"You have tried to call her again, right?" the woman said without facing him

Andrew nodded his head so she had to turn hers to see his reaction.

"Counting 100 times. Kids are at their grandmas home. I got through to them before the paparazzi. But Gael..."

"What's next...?" she looked him directly in the eyes.

"We have talked to the closest crew members. Everyone knows it. For today we can only wait." 

Andrew spoke it with a Rick Grimes tone in his voice. Like they were doomed to live in a place with having no food and safety in the long run. And because of that they must made alliances with people they did not trust.

Danai unconsciously changed to the Michonne acting or maybe it had always been Michonne acting like Danai all the time. She said nothing but only stared very seriously and with this "I don't know man, I don't know." impression laying in it.

"Don't do this to me." Andrew started to grin, but halfway there, his smile fell back into a stressed mimic.

"But tomorrow the interview, yes? With people you trust you said?"

"I knew them since we started filming. They are perfect for the job." Andrew stated.

"Okay. Cause you know that it's not only your ass being roasted for real if anything goes wrong, again." Danai walked back into the room.

Andrew followed, turning her around, holding her hand wrists as softly as he could, but still strong enough to emphasize his words: "I am sorry. I really am." 

"I know Andy. It's not your fault. It's his fault. And besides that, I am the one ruin your marriage." she looked down with such a sadness, a tear leaving her eye, that Andrew could only hug her.

"Shhhht. It's alright Danai. We will go through this together." He stroked her back.

"Yes...it's just....it's so much happening right now and I never wanted to hurt anybody," she said with a last sad tone but then pulling herself together, releasing herself from the hug, "Tomorrow. Everything will be better after tomorrow."


	6. A war in his mind

\---  
Norman's view  
\---

NO. 

No.

NO.

PARIS.

THE FUCK NO!

Pain coming in like somebody beat him down and still continuing to kick him in the side of his lungs. 

PARIS. 

Norman fell completely to the ground.

HE IS IN PARIS!

The man was curled like an embryo.

HE IS IN PARIS!

Punches everywhere, hard kicks.

ANDREW AND DANAI!

Some invisible power took his head and beat it against the ground.

ANDREW AND DANAI!

Norman wanted to scream but he couldn't. 

This terror was a war in his mind and no outburst of sound or action could stop it.

The room was filled with darkness, fragile skelet finger bones came dancing in, moving to a disharmony that was played by off-tuned violins. 

NO ANDREW ANDREW ANDREW I CANNOT ANDREW I!

The fingers creeped to his body and started to choke Norman. 

ANDY!

He run out of breath, fingers around his neck close to strangle him.

ANDY PLEASE DON'T DO IT!

\---

Water all around him.

He could literally see the water without opening his eyes.

He also could see through the water. 

See through the structure, through the molecules, through everything.

He didn't have to move anymore, he just sank to the ground, where friendly young mermaids with red hair were waiting for him. 

Fishes, as far as the eye can reach, in different colours and variations.

'That's where I want to stay.

Right here, under the sea with it's shimmering promises.

Be water.'

All of the sudden, the Zebra fish next to him turned into a shark. 

But not a normal one, a mutant one with two heads.

He opened both of his mouth and showed Norman his frightening teeth, starting to make sounds despite being underwater.

'Why does he sound like a Walker?'

More and more fish turned into monster sharks, eating the rest who were not fast enough to change.

Suddenly they were circling Norman, all of them dead fish now which came to life again as canibalistic animals.

Some of them did not have eyes anymore, only red flesh hanging right under it, whereas the eyeballs were completely damaged or gone, bite off by another shark.

The noise of them making creepy sounds got louder and louder till the first of them swam out of the circle, willing to attack Norman.

As soon as the shark started, the others followed.

Norman wanted to move, but he couldn't.

He could not swim away.

He couldn't even make out what was up or down.

5 meters between them.

Norman felt pure horror. 

4

They were opening their mouth, raging towards him.

Andy are you here? I need help!

3

ANDY! BROTHER!

2

PLEASE WHERE ARE YOU?

1

ANDY!


	7. Just E

_**"Hello Darkness my old friend..."**_

Simon and Garfunkel were singing.

_**"I've come to talk with you again..."**_

Water all around him.

_**"Because a vision softly, creeping..."**_

He was underwater. With no air left anymore.

OPEN YOUR EYES!

_**"Left its seeds while I was, sleeping..."**_

'You're my brother.' Andy have said.

TO THE SURFACE, EMERGE!

_**"And the vision, that was planted in my brain... still remains..."**_

SWIM!

The man moved his hands, swam towards the music.

_**"Within the sound of silence..."**_

When he emerged, he gasped for air over and over, more paddling like a dog than swimming. 

He opened his eyes and realised, he was in his own pool. Fully dressed in a black suit.

Somehow he managed to swim to the edge, climbing out, fully shaking, out of breath and out of strength.

Simon and Garfunkel sang along from the music speakers, which were placed in his garden for parties, in a volume so loud, Norman had to cover his ears. 

He stumbled to the equipment and switched it off, then standing there for some minutes, gasping for air again. Slowly, his body was recovering.

The first thing he noticed, when he felt strong enough to walk again, was the chaos.

His garden had turned into a huge rubbish dump. Plastic plates, empty beer bottles, bite off sandwich pieces and other snacks were laying not only on the table, but in the grass, in the pool, simply everywhere. 

Then Norman's gaze rested on his canopy swing, which was standing in a corner in his garden, surrounded by wild flowers. In it he saw a girl and a boy, completely naked and high.

He tried to yell at them but he was too weak. The man recognised the couple from somewhere, there were not completely strangers, Los Angeles „friends“ in their twenties, but still. 

What were they doing here? Why did they not help him?  
„GEeeeet,“ Norman tried to raise his voice „the fuck outta here!“ 

He made a move with his hand, pointing towards the gate.

The couple stared at him for what felt like minutes and then started to laugh. They stood up and tumbled out somehow.

Norman walked slowly inside his house, still wondering what time it was, what year.

He found even more chaos and half naked couples inside. It looked like this music video he once saw while staying in England. One from a Take That member but he couldn’t remember the name. But it was like this, a party gone wrong with naked bodies.

DID HE TAKE DRUGS?

His hands were moving to his forehead and through his hair. 

In a rush he observed the room more closely, there were joints yes but he found no traces for pills or needles.

On his sofa he spotted a 30 year old man from Atlanta with a scar going right all over his face, sleeping like a baby. 

„Before I was a dealer, I also did not have money to pay back the other dealers, ya know?“ Tale once said. 

Norman went to him and tried to wake him up.

„Tale! Hey Tale! TALE!“ his throat hurt but his voice was coming back.

„Hm…whot….oh Norm….hi.“ He did not open his eyes till Norman slapped him on his head.

„Wake up! What are you all doing here? I can’t remember anything? I nearly been drowned! Did I take anything? Did you give me anything? Tale I swear I’ll kill you.“

Tale flinched over the sofa, his hands up in defense.

„Norm come down ya. Come simply down. No worries. Party man. You invited Atlanta’s ass and I think also some Hollywood friends? I did not give you anything man. You took it. You took it from someone.“

„WHAT TALE WHAT?“ Norman going after the man in full rage.

„I think it was E, nothing more Norm, just E.“


	8. A mess

„ARE YOU FUCKING TRYING TO KIDDING ME“ Norman felt so weak and he almost lost his voice.

„No man, just E, won’t do no harm man. Stay inside, stay in bed now, chill man, drink water. Will go away.“

By mentioning ‚water‘ Norman went crazy. He turned around, going into his storeroom, while the dealer headed anxiously for the door with a „Peace bro right?“, trying to get out.

Norman grabbed an old crossbow out of a locker room. The bow was a fan present once, that looked too dangerous to have it hang around while his song being in his house. It had a more fast releasing arrow speed than the typical ones. It did not look like a sports bow or like the ones he got from The Walking Dead. It was perfect for hunting. For real.  
Then he picked up a megaphone, that he had stolen from the set and stood on the stairs to his bedroom, still being completely wet.

„WAKE UP EVERYBODY!“ he shouted.

„I SAID FUCKING WAKE UP YOU RATS!“ 

One by one, people were waking up, complaining about the volume and Norman.

„YOU HAVE 1 MINUTE TO LEAVE TILL I’M SHOWING Y’ALL THE REAL DARYL DIXON. THE ONE THEY ARE TO AFRAID TO SHOW ON TV!“

He put the megaphone away and aimed with the crossbow at people, who were laughing. 

„I’m not making jokes“ he added with a straight face, water drops running down his face.

The men and women were maybe high, but they were suddenly awakened by a man with a crossbow aiming for their heads. They were afraid and most of them ran out of the house without dressing, heading for their cars to drive off with squealing tyres. 

The rest was also gone right after Norman came down the stairs pretending to fight them face to face. 

He would have never shot, he hated violence. And he was not fucking stupid, this was still no anarchy they were living in. This was the real world with laws and consequences and Norman was no killer. Never been. He couldn’t even hunt. He did not want to. He used the crossbow only for training in his garden, like a sport. With sandbags and targets. But these people did not know that. They only saw the wild Daryl, maybe some of them not even watch the series, only heard that he was a famous actor playing that strange character. 

Finally, when he found himself alone in his house, he grabbed a bottle of water, drank half a liter and went to his bathroom, still foggy in his mind.

The man took off his clothes and stepped into the shower, although he was a bit nervous with being reminded on so much water. But the continuing warm drops on his skin calmed him down. 

When he finished, a towel curled up around his waist, he looked into the mirror. It showed him a swollen face somehow, dark circles under both of his eyes and pale cheeks.

‚You look like shit Norman Reedus.’

He hated the thought of him taking drugs or still being on drugs. 

Should he call the ambulance? 

His condition was still fragile and who knew what would happen next?

He grabbed the water bottle again to drink it empty. Getting hydrated was now more important than everything else now. 

For the first time, he saw the cut right on his middle finger. 

WHAT THE-?

„Norman?“ a female voice echoing from downstairs, „Norman are you here? What the-„

You could hear her reaction of shock without seeing her.

„Minute!“ Norman shouted. He knew, it was the farmer girl. He didn’t know her real name. 

When he asked, she told him „Do you like Amy? You could call me Amy.“ but he thought that it was silly to invent one. Although he called her Amy from time to time when he felt he had to, like touching her or being touched. That’s what real couples would do, right?

The man reached for the white bathrobe which was hanging next to the shower and went downstairs.

„Hey. This is…this is War of the Worlds. I can’t remember anything.“ he said while hugging the blonde girl for greeting. 

„I was only gone 3 hours Norman, when did all the people show up?“ she asked.

They both sat down on the coach, surrounded by trash.

„You were here?“ the actor was confused. 

„Ehm yes. You called me and I did not get a word you said, you were completely out of your mind. But I knew you needed help so I drove here. When I arrived you said you just watched the Great Gatsby and that you are actually Gatsby now.“

A flashback came into Norman’s mind. Him crawling to his drawyer, searching desperately for strong alcohol but he had only beer, breaking glasses, cutting his finger but not treating it. Letting the blood drop all over the floor. Then blackness. Next thing he remembered was putting the Gatsby movie on, drinking in a rush , sobbing like a baby about the love story and then feel suddenly motivated to make such a huge party as well. To invite everyone. To go through his phone and -

„Oh shit I called Beyonce!“ Norman gasped.

„Yeees. You told me that“

Fragments of his memory showed him a Norman Reedus starting the conversation with „HEY POP SINGER I KNOW YOU SOMEHOW“ and then laughing hysterically over and over.

„I don’t even know her that good oh my god. I just had her number and-“ Norman frightened. 

CHECK YOUR PHONE!


	9. Not Andrew

The girl called Norman to make the phone vibrate and they found it quickly underneath the bed. The man remembered of hiding here for a while as he was convinced at some point, that aliens had occupied his house.

Outgoing calls.

53

Received calls

27

Received messages

5  
_  
„Hey Norman Buddy everything alright? Sounded a bit strange on the phone. What did you mean with my red mustache will see what you are planing to do? Call me back“ - Cudlitz._

_„Norm you okay? =) - Melissa_

_„I don’t know who you are but I recorded this whole strange conversation and will put it on youtube if you don’t call me back and apologise, young man!“ - unknown number_

_„LOL are you drunk or should I worry? I mean I love you to man, I really do but like friends you know?“ ;) Steven_

_„Hey, Mingus and me were at the movies, anything happened because of your call?“ - Helena_

Norman sighed in relieve. He could live with that.

The girl kept on talking about the evening, after she treated his finger with first aid kit:

„You told me to drive to that Italian restaurant you love so much, 1 and a half hour away from here. I mean, you were really upset when they told you it was too for away from then to deliver, you were crying as well so I decided to pick it up. The 5 family pizzas are getting cold right now in my Van outside.“

Norman laughed for the first time this day. „I’m really sorry what I demanded. I'm such a fucker.“

„No need to, we all having our troubles. But I am surprised how fast you could gather so many party people. I guessed they all waited for your invitation?“

„Kind of…or they needed to feel like Rockstars once in their lives and ruin someones house.“ Norman said, looking around.

„Will be fixed in one day. I know a good cleaning service. Will call them tomorrow. But what’s more important, how do you feel right now? You took anything else while I was away?“ she looked worried.

„Don’t know, Tale was here. Said something bout Ectasy.“ Norman frowned.

„We have to take you to the hospital!“ the girl stood up.

Norman made a hand movement, indicating to sit down again.

„No. Too much publicity.“

She stood there with elbows crossed. Having that strong look in her face. Strands of hair in her face, while the rest was braided. Dressed in a jeans short and a yellow top, a red lumber jacket shirt over it.

Beth. That’s what Norman thought. 

He didn’t think of Emily, the original actress, he thought of Beth. Maybe because Emily was Emily and was a real person. The farmer girl was however more like a strange character, not telling her name, popping up from time to time or disappearing for months. He did not know her for real. Only her lips and her voice and her hips. 

„We are going to the hospital Norm,“ she repeated, „We say you blackened out in a club. Maybe someone made you drink something with drugs. Could have happened here as well?“

Another flashback. A girl giving him a drink with saying „open your hands“ to leave a pink pill there. He went to a club first, before he called Amy. There he took the pill and wanted to drive back to his house suddenly. He watched the movie and called everyone he knew. He remembered that the rest of the other party people came high, they did not do drugs in his house although Tale was there. They danced and ate the snacks he had stored in his fridge, went crazy and destroyed a lot of personal things, jumped upon everything, even starting a fight that ended in a huge make out. The majority passed out very fast, he remembered walking outside the bathroom, realising the bodies laying on the floor touching each other. First he was also high, dancing like a crazy monkey and shouting „DAISY I AM READY!“ the whole time. But he must had got a starter pill only, since the depression came very fast. He headed to the pool in a need to actually BE water so he could not hear the voices in his head anymore. 

„I took Ecstasy. We don’t have to go.“ Norman said calmy.

„Ok are you sure? I took it twice, no joy in the end bro.“

He decided to not tell her about what happened in the pool.

„Yes I am. I know how to get back on my feet. When you are an actor here you have a lot of contacts with addicts. It’s a big „How to recover from drugs within hours to start again tomorrow“ lesson. I know exactly what I need.“

The man stood up. „I don’t want you to drive around tonight, you need to rest as well. Stay with me. Sleep here.“

She looked at him, first with doubts but then slowly relaxing.

„Yeah kay I really feel tired as well. But you have to eat something.“

„What a coincidence we have a car full of Pizza right?“ Norman joked.

After they put the food inside and ate, they went straight to the bedroom. After all, the only room not invaded by the party people.   
Norman let himself fall back to the soft blanket and pillows. 

The girl undressed her shorts and her shirt, climbing in the bed in the top and her underwear.

The man closed his eyes and as soon as he relaxed, he felt exhausted.

„You still have your bathrobe on.“ she started the conversation.

„Too weak to undress.“ the man mumbled.

„Maybe if I-„

He opened his eyes,

„NO!“ Norman said more harshly than he wanted to and then „Sorry.“ right after.

„No I am sorry, I was just used to act this way next to you. You are tired, you should rest now. It’s very late or should I say early.“ she turned and wanted to switch the lights off.

Norman observed her back, her hips. She had pretty curves. She was very caring. She was funny.  
It could be so easy.

„Wait.“ he said, taking her hand.

„Yeah?“ she asked curiously.

She liked him back. At least as much as to want to make out with him. Plus she was no fangirl and no secret reporter from the NY times.

There was just one thing. She was not Andrew. 

ANDREW.

With all the mess in his house and his head, going from one extreme to another, being on drugs, the pool, the people, crossbows, pizza - he did not have the time to think about WHY he actually started this whole thing. 

ANDREW AND DANAI TOGETHER

The words came back and said hello with a headache.

„Norman everything ok?“ the girl faced him with a worried look.

ANDREW AND DANAI KISSING

„Oh yeah…yeah….I’ll have to sleep….just wanted to say thank you so much.“

„Just give me a casting that'll make me famous.“ she said jokefully and turned off the lights for real this time.

Norman was glad to not be alone tonight, but he couldn't sleep at first.

Too much questions, too much 

WHY DID THEY NOT TELL ME and 

IS ANDREW IN LOVE also 

HOW LONG and 

HOW SHOULD I HANDLE IT came up. 

The kind of questions which made him take drugs to escape the heartache.

But this time he was too weak to think about another try. His body was in too much need of rest, that he fell asleep in the early morning hours, still with tears on his face that he cried silently the whole night.


	10. Not a fan

\---  
Andrew's view  
\---

The interviewer was a 20 year old guy named Kent, with cheekbones so sharp you could cut yourself hugging him.

"Pretty Young." Danai said raising her eyebrow. 

"He is perfect, trust me." Andrew whispered, right before the man entered the room.

"Oh look who's here! Danai! You grace of beauty, you absolute lovely flower." Kent shook her hand with an overall exited impression.

"HeeEEEeey." the woman smiled but looked at Andy secretly with a "WHOT?" look.

"Andrew, you handsome gentleman, still looking like from Buckingham Palace." They greeted each other and a camera team came into the room, positioned the equipment, light and sound devices as well as a chair. 

Andrew and Danai sat on a yellow hotel sofa, an old one, with ornaments of golden flowers in it, like from a long gone Japanese dynasty. To make it look even more exklusive the hotel stuff placed orchids in blue vases in the room. Everything looked expansive, modern and fresh. 

It felt strange and the man got nervous. How would people react? Would this be the end of their careers? Would this be the end of the series? What could they do to convince people? Were they dressed good enough or too dressed up?

He looked down on his blue suit with a more lighter blue shirt underneath and black shoes. Danai wore a grey minimalistic dress with a simple long silver necklace as an Accessoire and white platform sandals. She looked fantastically. They looked like a young president and his first lady.

"Welcome dear viewers, I am Kent Chateu and you are watching AN AFTERNOON WITH THE STARS. I am here with Andrew Lincoln and Danai Gurira, the stars from The Walking Dead," the interviewer turned his face towards them and smiled "It's so good to have you here in Paris. Welcome!" 

Both thanked the man and after a short smalltalk things were getting more serious.

"So I really want to talk about something that came up yesterday and I need to hear it directly from you but please stop me, if I'm too forward." Kent charmingly said.

Andrew smiled but felt like he had to puke.

"Are these pictures real?" he said suddenly with a very serious tone.

Andrew wanted to say something but he stuttered, Danai realized it and said: "Yes, they are."

BOOM. Shots fired! Andy thought. 

"That means, you really kissed, it was no photoshop." Kent continued to ask.

"All real." Danai said, sounding a bit like Michonne.

"But there is something more you want to tell me and the viewers out there right?" the interviewer leaned forward, indicating his interest.

It was like everyone hold his breath, it was really quiet.

Andrew wanted to run out of the room, but he overcame the fear and started to speak very clearly and convincing:

"Yes Kent. Danai and I were kissing and holding hands because we had to." he observed the room, looked the team in the eye to find some rejection or encouragement, but their expressions were overall tensed. "We....we were extorted. There was this guy, Evan, coming to our team 2 months ago, he was responsible for outside make-up. We talked with him a lot, we liked him." Andrew stopped to talk since he remembered joking with the young man.

Danai began to speak:" We found out too late, that he is a very ill man. He wanted the characters of Rick and Michonne be together so much, that he did things...I mean he did not know the actual script, that there would be a Richonne love story, but anyway, he wanted us to be an actual couple. He taped us rehearsing the kissing scene, thinking, we fell in love for real."

Kent interrupted her:"So to speak he thought his dream came true?"

Andrew answered in a rush:" Yeah, HIS dream. My mother also ships them but this was not about shipping, it was real life taping without us knowing."

"But why did you have to rehearse the scene, one must think you as experienced actors and with a partner didn't want to do that more than once?"

"We were super nervous," Danai admitted, "We knew how much people would see it, how many fans would go crazy, how many times it would be watched over and over. We discussed everything about this scene but some things you have to try out. Like: Do I lean towards him or not?", she did a movement towards Andy and back again "Or do I just lay there, not knowing what to do or how to react."

"But the airport pictures were after the filming. Rehearsal again?" Kent asked skeptically.

Andrew knew why he called him. He would asked exactly the questions, the common twitter users would ask.

"He did not only have 1 tape. He recorded me...," the man abruptly stopped talking.

There, this silence again. 

Andrew was embarrassed, but he had to say it to explain the mess.


	11. Gossip

"He recorded me...getting naked in Danai's trailer."

There, he said it.

"Our viewers sure know that in this special Episode we have a naked Rick and Michonne as well." Kent said without being surprised.

"Yeah, but it was no rehearsal this time. It was just a party going wild in her trailer." Andrew said out loud, pointing towards the woman.

"I was not at the set this day, they took my second key to the trailer from Melissa." Danai added.

Andrew nodded:"Yes, we wanted to do a prank, that's all. And in that trailer were only men actors and crew members. We were super drunk, we were doing bets, we were acting like kids." He smiled for a second thinking about that day, but then getting back serious, "And Evan must had recorded me right after that, maybe he did know that Danai was not there but he did not care. As I said he is very ill and created his own truth."

Danai sighed:"He did a montage of audiotaped files, making it look like Andrew and I had a real conversation, but in fact they were just snippets cut out of hundred of conversations he recorded hiddenly."

"This sounds like thriller to me." Kent stated.

"You can easily to that," Andrew felt angry, "an iPhone has a better recording device than some shitty recording studios in L.A!"

He did not know that for real, but Norman had one and he send him his voice recordings from time to time.

Norman. 

YOU ARE DOING THIS ALSO FOR HIM, CONCENTRATE! he said to himself

He lost some sentences of Danai talking 

"-so the files are about me worrying if I'm good enough to play Michonne, me worrying about Andrew's condition since he was very exhausted at the end of season 5 and then also..."

"Me talking about my marriage." Andrew said, feeling like the walk of shame Cersei had done in the Game of Thrones, would seem more comfortable now than saying this.

Kent was confused for a second, wanted to ask a question but changed his mind and started with:

"Why did you not go to the producers? Fire the guy, take the files. Call lawyers?"

Danai answered:"Because we found out after the last day of filming. He confronted us with it on the phone when we were right about to leave the set," the woman cursed under her breath, "He claimed that the producers should have gave him a voice in the writing, maybe because his own writing did go wrong as well before he made it to the make up. Or maybe he just wanted to continue Richonne forever, who knows. He said if we would not do that deal in 24 hours, the tapes and montages would go online."

"You have to think about how many fans we have and man, they love the show, they love us, all these people coming to Comic Con every year, it's amazing! But he wanted to destroy it. He wanted to destroy my family with it and Danai's relationship as well. Not to speak about our careers. We know media and we know what they would do with it." Andrew added sadly.

"Man-eater" Danai said slowly, quoting an article title they read today about Danai's behavior.


	12. A new term

"You were extorted by this crazy, crazy man who had montages about you and also tapes he would set in a different context. So why give him even more content?"

"This is a serious thing. We never experienced something before this way. But people were close to doing that. We wanted to make the stunt before he would make a move and we wanted to make a statement, too. A statement to not believe everything the media says. For leaving us our privacy, not taping things we don't like, not stalking to our houses, asking our families, neighbors and friends over and over about our private life." Andrew said emphatically.

Danai nodded:"Last season I was afraid to go outside because of all the paparazzi. We are actors, we enjoy to be in the spotlight but not at our homes and not when it's directed to our beloved ones. We were getting used to Hollywood press over the years but last year was very difficult for all of us."

"And then you decided to show the media the mirror, like a self-reflection on the writing?" Kent leaned back.

"Kind of. It was not planned all over, we were on our own and we were desperate. It was not meant to go outside but we had to. We informed everyone close to us...with some difficulties cause one person released the press photos too early...." Andrew said, thinking about the horror Gael felt and how released she was, when he finally had the chance to talk to her. 

Of course she was more than angry, frustrated and especially disappointed. She also said she needed some time for herself now. Although it was a stunt, his wife had to face millions of messages from family, friends and strangers for one day, still counting. He kissed another woman and although his wife understood why they did it and that it was all about this psychopath, she asked him if there would been no alternative to doing such a thing. She was right, he should have called her. Ask for advise. 

The reason why he didn't was not so easy to explain. He convinced himself that he needed time for the conversation and did not wanted to wake her up. But in fact, he sat in his trailer, listening to his own voice recording over and over, "-and now I'm thinking about it, you know, that I need the break or maybe the divorce.".

"Andrew?" Kent asked, leaning forward again.

"Oh yes? I'm really sorry. What have you just asked?"

"About if you think an action like this would do any change?" Kent repeated

"Well, we hope so, maybe for our crew and co-actors, maybe the media people will think about it before they do their next gossip. And now everyone knows how to handle the montages and clips that eventually will show up online soon." Andrew said and knew, it was the last sentence he would said in the interview.

Danai answered the rest of the questions, she was such a strong woman and his friend.

When they walked back to their own hotel room, both were lost in their own thoughts. They were afraid, how the fans would react and the people they hadn't call. 

And one of this persons, was Norman.

Of course Danai thought, Andy had called him before. Even Gael was surprised about the news. 

"Why not?" she asked, still sobbing on the phone.

"I will." the man lied.

He didn't.

He told himself that it wouldn't matter, that Norman would be ok with it. "If you are more happy with Danai and thought about it, do it." Andy imagined him to say.

So it did not matter right? 

Andrew said goodnight to Danai, entered his room, closed the door and walked to the bed. 

With a loud sigh he sat down and buried his head in his hands.

He felt tired and old.

With Norman he never felt old. 

Norman.

His best friend.

Surely Andrew was a man with many good friends from college times. He was a man who almost everyone liked and appreciated, even before his success.

He never felt alone and like an outsider, like Norman experienced it.

But Andy was gravitating towards this mysterious man, who was living such a different life style when they met.

Norman could go for hours of talking about the absence of light in photography and everything he said was interesting. 

Not only because Andrew was interested in art, too. 

It was more because of HOW his friend talked, with such a passion in his speech, a glint in his eye.

Andrew did not know, how often he actually thought about his co-star, till they really were apart.

The filming break should be one of the best times for Andrew, spend time with his family and at home. Of course he loved his kids and was more than happy to see them again for more than one day. He also enjoyed the time with Gael, it was the girl who chose him after all and they trusted each other. 

That did not change the fact, that Andy missed Norman so much sometimes, it was hard to hide.

People were coming up with this term „bromance“ and first time he heard it, he thought „exactly.“ 

But people had to come up with a new term, or maybe there was one available already.

Andrew was afraid of it.


	13. Escape

"You are sure, Norman?"

"Yeah goddamn."

"REALLY?"

Norman looked at the palm of her right hand. The girl was presenting his Phone like it was a royal sceptre and looked at him with disbelief.

"Yes, take it" the man said, reaching for his Coke.

They had woken up very late in the afternoon and headed straight to a steak house in the city for a dinner and a cold drink. Sun was shining brutally, like always, so they were happy to sit inside, enjoying air condition.

"But I never seen you without it, more like with two of them. So you think you can live the whole weekend without it?" she asked.

"It's distracting me. 'Have work to do. Other people can take pictures." Norman replied, looking away in the distance. He did not care anymore about his fucking phone. He switched it off in the morning, feeling numb and betrayed but also ready to forget. 

"Okaaayy?" she said, closing her hand and putting the phone into her bag, "Then you'll write me via Email, Jesus how old that sounds, when you return so we can meet."

"Yeah yeah sure." Norman answered with a warm smile, still being lost in his own thoughts.

Andrew and Danai were dating. For reasons no one know they kept it private for a while - HOW LONG? his brain shouted - only to make it public then with these paparazzi pictures they did not deny. Andrew did leave Gael for it, so it must been a pretty serious love affair. Only because of this thought the actor felt like he had to throw up the Rib-Eye-Steak he just ate. 

"It seems like you are in a different universe. Are you okay? Because of all the...you know..things you took yesterday." she pointed out.

"Don't worry, am fine" he drank the whole glass and put it on the table, "just a bit dizzy, that's all."

"Alright, I have to go now and I take your phone with me, this is your last chance." she said while standing up.

Norman went over, hugged her and mumbled "thank you so much, for everything, for...yeah for everything." 

She smiled, "I must admit I'm a bit jealous of the girl you are thinking of 24h. She must be one of a kind." and before Norman could say something, she was gone.

Back at home Norman felt the urge to leave the house again as soon as possible. He was glad when he checked his agenda book and found an entry for tomorrow:

EW PHOTOSHOOT w DIANE KRUGER, NY

and under it a note from his manager "They'll pick you up at the airport at 2 pm, tickets: print or code"

Why on earth was he so glued to his phone? He had given away his private one, but for official dates he had to carry one with him, at least for security reasons. He went to his desk and grabbed the "social media" phone. The man opened Instagram, uploaded a promo pic of his new movie SKY and switched to the flight mode right after. 

He felt bad, not reading at least some of the comments but he did not want to see the millions of "OMG NORMAN :(" or "Richonne beat Rickyl =D" from most of his fans. He knew, they loved the bromance between him and Andy but at the same time they would freak out about real Richonne. He would freak out as well. If he just wouldn't have feelings for the man on his own. If he would be just a simple fan. But he was Norman Reedus and Daryl Dixon. And after they talked about Daryl becoming or being gay in the earlier seasons, no one had mentioned it again.

The actor put the phone into his jacket and went to his bedroom to pack for New York. He was used to live out of the suitcase, flying back and forth between the the season break. He liked his house here, it was quite and comfy but he also was a fan of New York and its artsy places and people. 

What was even more important, his "other" friends, who had nothing to do with The Walking Dead, were located there. And he needed them right now, escape the scenery, escape the memory.

He tried to focus on filling his two suitcases and somehow he managed to pack all his things and drive to the airport. Of course, he would not wait until tomorrow and use the official tickets, so he booked a flight on his own. 

Later on, when he sat in the airplane, and realized, he had nothing to do, the thoughts came back. 

ANDREW ANDREW ANDREW

Since when did they see each other? When did all this start? Why did Andy never told him about his feeling? 

WHY THE HECK DID NORMAN HIMSELF NOT REALIZE WHAT WAS GOING ON? 

Sitting there, he felt like a wild animal in a cage. He did not want to watch the latest movies on the small plane screens, he also did not want to talk to his neighbour, who seemed to be a business man not recognizing the actor. He was afraid to order drinks, he was still not in a good condition after the drug use and didn't want to make it worse. He put his headphones on, skipping to a moody song he really liked and pressed play.

ANDREW ANDREW ANDREW

He had to accept it. He had to find a way to be there for his friends, support them with their love and hide his own feelings. Or maybe, this was all happening for a reason, maybe this was a sign, saying "NORMAN STOP IT!". His crush had brought nothing but miserable lonely nights, acting strange around his best friend, fantasizing about him and being not able to look him in the eyes after. 

Andy was not stupid, he tried to spoke with Norman about the strange atmosphere a few times by asking "Norman, are you in love with me?" when the older man kissed him on the cheek the hundredth time. 

"Oh come on, SHUT UP!" Norman replied, laughing, but screaming inside.

One of the biggest problems was him being jealous. 

He was jealous of everyone even talking to Andy, especially old friends that Norman did not know. He was okay with the crew - OR AT LEAST HE THOUGHT THAT 2 DAYS AGO - but when other men showed up next to Andrew, he always had the fear of losing his best friend, of not being cool enough for him, of having to do a competition over and over again. 

HE wanted to be Andrew's best friend and as childish as it sounded, as deep was it after all. 

This British man was his constant, his calm anchor, his buddy, his crush.

Norman was afraid to use the word "Love" but he knew, that this was the perfect term for it. 

He stared outside the window, watching lights appear and disappear, listening to a special mixtape he once made for Andy, but was too afraid to give it to him.

ANDREW AND DANAI

The hell he would do. He would not act like a teenager giving his crush a mixtape.

He would accept it. 

He would cut his heart out with a spoon, leave it on the floor and replace it with a stone. He would do everything for his friends. He wanted them to be happy.

ANDREW AND DANAI HOLDING HANDS

He wanted them to be happy.

ANDREW AND DANAI KISSING

He really wanted-

ANDREW AND DANAI TOUCHING

He-

ANDREW AND DANAI MAKING LOVE

Norman raised his hand and a flight attendant came. 

"Yes, Sir?" the blonde women was dressed in blue uniform and looked at him with an extra big smile. 

"I need something to drink." Norman mumbled.

"Sure, can I bring you some water...or juice?"

BRING ME SOME STUFF AND THANGS-

"Peach."

"Peach juice, alright."

Norman looked at the women, smiling back with a desperate, horrible grin "Schnaps. I meant Peach Schnapps."


	14. That escalated quickly

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm back! I read the story again and think that I would be so awesome if someone could help me with making it error free. I think a lot of Grammar is wrong, some sentences are maybe too long or so. If you are interested in helping to make this story the best to read, meaning, if your mother tongue is English and you want to correct it, then please write me! :) I myself prefer stories with no errors so I also would love to have that for mine, too. I am also unsure if you like this story, I mean is it readable?  
> \---  
> Fun fact: When I wrote about Diane, I never thought that months later it would turn into a real thing. Gossip or not, it is fucking strange :D

"YES, LOOK AT ME, YAAAAAS, sooo intense, YES!, RIGHT!"

Normal felt weird about the cheering of the photographer. It reminded him on the photo day they do in schools every year were you have to sit still and fake a smile. Here at Entertainment Weekly the photos should be inviting, some nice guy pics, some what they call "hot dude" pics, some pics where he had to wear expansive clothes and act like a Paris Model. 

"YEEES! GIMME A SMILE NORMAN! BE MY BUDDY!"

Norman thought about how he threw Mingus in the pool and smiled.

"OOOH YAAAAS!....aaaand we're done!"

The actor sighed, left the shooting and went to the catering table, where he took two bagels and ate it with hesitation. He was hungry this morning, since he overslept and had no time to buy something. He felt tired and empty, but at least he had something to do that distracted his mind for a while. 

"Want some coffee?"

Diane Kruger, looking gorgeous in a white Coachella looking dress and brown boots, handed him a starbucks cup with a smile.

"You are an angel." Norman replied, taking the coffee and sipping on it.

"I watched your single shoot, you're doing a better job than me." Diane said, while they were walking to the elevator, which would bring them upside to the roof balcony.

"St'lng yr shw 's 'lways." Norman tried to say. Usually, he would have never shown a behavior like that, eating and talking at the same time. But he knew Diane from the movie and how chilled she was about a lot of things. And he was super hungry.

They arrived at the roof which was a setting itself but today not used for shootings. They had put a lot of plants and small citrus trees here to make it look like an italian terrace but combined with retro city flair of red wall bricks. At one corner there was a beautiful white bench where the actors sat down and enjoyed the view of skyscrapers, since their own building was very high.

"It's so cool to see you again. Seriously, I missed you a lot after we finished filming SKY." Norman admitted, looking at Diane. They did a partner shoot this morning but did not have any time to speak personally.

She laughed:"I don't remember you that emotional Norman."

"Well....," Norman said, "I get old. And when you get old, you soon realize that the only thing you have, is the relationship with other people. The ones who like you and support ya."

He didn't want to make it sound so serious, it just came out of his mouth. He was still a wreck, over fatigued and hyper sensitive after all this mess.

"WOW they really put something in that coffee...." Diane smiled but suddenly saw, that Norman went quiet. "What's wrong with you? Did something happen?"

So Diane hadn't read about it. Good. Also the crew seemed to treat him like everytime, no bad looks or hints while talking to him.

"Nothing, just testing out a new figure they want me to play. Philosophical movie." Norman lied.

Diane sighed in relief. SHE REALLY DOES CARE ABOUT ME, he thought.

"So....you did miss me?" the women asked quickly, watching the tip of her boots right after, like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

"Yes, as I told you. We had a lot of fun, hadn't we?" the actor smiled at her, being a bit confused about her shy behavior. She was a very confident women but now she acted so differently. "And with your life, everything good?" Norman continued to ask.

They did not date. Yes, she kissed him in that bar but it happens when you play a romantic couple, it happens very often. Then you have press dates, movie premiers but after that there comes the long silence and you realize you can live without the other person. That it what just an imagine of being in love, not real love. At least not for him.

"I really don't want to talk about it right now." she mumbled and then suddenly stood up to put on a big smile "Hey, you wanna have some fun?"

FUN? GIVE ME EVERYTHING THAT IS FUNNY I DESPERATELY NEED IT, the man thought.

"Always, Diane." he stood up as well.

"Follow me." she said, walking slowly and very feminine to the elevator, looking back over her shoulders with a flirtive expression.

Hell yeah, this woman was hot. But Norman followed her more because of his curiosity and because she was fun to talk to and overall such a great person.

She leaded him to the set again, shouting to the photographer: "We need to shoot again."

The guy with the camera looked very confused "Oh, I think we have a lot of perfect couple pics of you already." 

"Maybe for EW, but I know your works. You are so much better than doing this TV smile shots. You do art. You love art. You love it dark."

"Well, Diane....." he looked at her still being surprised, "yeah of course. I do my own thing next to the business shoots...."

"You have a dark room here, right?" Diane said with a big grin.

WAIT. A DARK ROOM? WHAT WAS GOING ON? 

Norman wanted to protest but Diane saw his expression and said:"Silly Boy, a room with black walls for shootings!"

"Oh, hehe kay...?" still the man did not get what she wanted to do there.

"I'll be back in a minute, just have to undress me. You can as well, take off your jeans." 

WELL, THAT ESCALATED QUICKLY? 

Diane continued:" Let's show them what they wanted to see all the time. Instead of blurry, pixelated pictures of us being in a bar. Let's give them HD." 

Norman hold her arm, feeling the need of to stop her in her rage:"It will only cause more gossip. They will talk about you and Joshua. Not about me. They will attack you, say you are the cheater here." Yes, Norman knew a lot about how people shamed women into being the vicious role, when men could get away with everything, if they liked to.

She starred him in the eyes:"So let them talk. Let them analyse it till they go and see our movie. So I earned something with their fucking gossip and hate."

With that being said, she walked away to the make up room.

The men looked at each other, eye-brows raised. 

"She slays." the photographer said.

Norman knew, he should't do it. He was okay with his body and he knew that Diane would love absolutely amazing in whatever artsy half naked thing she planned to do for them. But what about AMC, the younger fans, ...what would his manager say? Was he allowed to do it? 

ANDREW WASN'T ALLOWED TO DO IT. HE IS MARRIED. OR MAYBE NOT ANYMORE. BUT YOU ARE FREE NORMAN. His inner voice said.

And then he thought about the next thing happening. Andrew and Danai walking onto the set, joking, laughing, disappearing into the British man's trailer. Normally, It was so cold looking, empty inside, because he spend all of his time in Norman's so far. But it would change. Danai would bring life into it. Then what? Holding hands on set? Asking the producers to make Richonne a long lasting relationship in the series? Kissing on Comic Con? DOING PHOTOSHOOTS TOGETHER, HER HEAD ON HIS SHOULDER LIKE THE MEN ONCE DID?

"Check your camera, we're going to do a shoots for adults only." Norman said, taking off his shirt very quickly and throwing it to the ground.


	15. Bad boys, bad boys

The pictures were intense, cool, dark, moody. Everything that Norman loved. Most of the time you could only see their shilouettes or shadows, laying next to each other on the black ground, over each other, strangely set up like dolls that were placed up by someone else. The actor could already see the pictures in his inner eye on a big wall at an art exhibition. The light play in each photograph gave away only spots of naked flesh, it was provocative but not in a bad or tasteless way. 

Feeling Diane's body on or next to his own was somehow tempting, because he needed comfort and love so much right now, but in a way also not, because he even more found out, that his only interest was in the guy who adapted the American accent so well, everybody thought it was his own. The guy who could make everybody around him smile with no much action, just because of his polite and lovely attitude who he shared kindly with everyone. 

EVERYBODY LOVES ANDREW, Norman thought and it sounded like a movie title he would give his life, where the setting is in the 90s and he is „the gay friend“ but only a side role next to Andrew dating a charming woman with a big sweet smile. There would be a lot of misunderstandings and drama, because the woman would think Andrew is homosexual, too. But then Norman would help them come together and in the last scene there would be this wedding where all the guests do a funny dance and Norm would dance with the other gay guest who, what a coincidence, came out of nowhere to the party as well. But at least, the movie was better than his life, because in reality nobody knew his preferences or love interests for real.

A knock on his door jolted him out of his daydreams. Was it so late already? Diane and him had arranged to meet at half past 8 in the evening and since the bar was close to his hotel, she decided to just come over. and pick him up. „It’s not like a date or something“ she stated. Over the day the memories came back of what have happened but Norman was so tired he slept the whole afternoon. 

"Coming!“ the actor shouted and went to the door, to open it only in his boxershorts. 

Diane, in a black maxi dress with golden sandals, look surprised but started to laugh:“ Haha, you are unique. What have you planned for tonight? A sleepover party?“ 

"I’m sorry, I have no phone this weekend and set no alarm to wake up, please, come in.“ Norman said in a hurry. 

She entered the room and sat on his bed, while Norman disappeared in the bathroom saying "Back in a minute.“ 

He felt embarrassed, he hated it to make people wait…even the crew from The Walking Dead, where he was more late than to be in time. Andrew mocked him a lot about his chaotic lifestyle, especially in interviews, but it was all part of the game and the bond between the two. 

"You have two phones mate,“ Andrew said once in Norman’s trailer, while they waited for another shoot, "NOT ONE, TWO! There must be an alarm function on it.“ 

He reached for Norman’s phone, laughing. "How do I put it on?“ 

Andrew tapped on the screen, concentrating so much like it was a bomb he had to defuse. He tapped a few times and nothing happened, Norman thought he died of his laughter but then walked to him and helped him. The men were pretty close in that moment, Normans hands above Andrew’s, just a single moment, a single touch in the silence that gave Norman the creeps all over his body. 

"Aaaw mate, I’m so lost here.“ Andy stated and looked absolutely stunning while saying it. 

Norman would have kissed him right away, whisper "God, why are you so cute?“ in his ear and throw him on his bed and just be close to him, if… if this was in a parallel universe. 

In reality, he just mentioned:"I always said I be the first to give you a phone to your birthday dude. You’ll learn it.“ 

"But I don’t need it! I’M on time!“ Andrew replied. 

BUT I WANT TO TAG YOU ON INSTAGRAM SO YOU SEE HOW MUCH I ADMIRE YOU AND THEN SEE IF YOU WOULD POST A PICTURE OF ME TOO FROM TIME TO TIME AND I WANT YOU TO HAVE TWTTER SO I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE UP TO WHEN WE DON’T SHOOT AND IF YOUR SAD OR HAPPY AND I NEED TO SEND YOU WAPP MESSAGES CAUSE I FUCKING CANT SEND YOU FANART VIA NORMAL MESSAGES AND I CANT SEND YOU THESE VIA MAIL CAUSE I KNOW GAEL SEES IT AND SHE-

Oh. He again thought in old patterns, not including Danai in his thoughts. He felt anger coming up, the need to break something again or harm himself, but then he heard Diane in front of the door:

"Norman, are you okay? Are you jerking off? It’s very boring here and I did not know you need half an hour to shower.“

Oh damn. He decided that this dreaming had to stop and he needed to control himself and his thoughts more.

"In a second“ he shouted, hurried up to dry himself, brush his teeth, put on a good perfume, put a towel around his waist and stepped outside. 

"I think the rainforest shower thing gets me every time, it’s like wellness.“ Norman tried to explain, walking to his wardrobe and putting on black jeans and a black shirt, while Diane looked outside the window. 

"You and wellness? Okaaaaayyy?“ she said from the other side of the room.

"If you would work with Steven Yeun, you would be an expert in wellness and spa very soon, too,“ Norman joked, putting a grey vest over the shirt and slipped into black leather shoes. 

Diane turned around with a big smile: "And what expert will you become working with Andrew Lincoln?“ 

WHAT? DOES SHE KNOW SOMETHING?

Norman stood there in a shock, his biggest fear, which he had to face every single day, was that somebody discovered his crush. Although, he did meet women for official press, there were people out there who saw more than a bromance in the relationship between the friends. 

AND THEY WERE FUCKING RIGHT.

"Norman?“ Diane walked closely to him, touching his hand, „Did I say something wrong?“ She looked very concerned. A few strands of her blond hair, which was put together with a beautiful green butterfly brooch behind her head, escaped and fell over her face. 

The touch of her hand was gentle, he could seem himself falling into her arms, falling on the bed, crying, making love, feeling, but - she was not Andrew.

"I…no…I just miss the crew that’s all.“ Norman stuttered, which was no lie, „Let’s go, I’m ready and my hair has almost dried, hope you are not too embarrassed walking around with a messed up dude like me.“

"I like bad boys.“ Diane giggled. 

Norman was sure she flirted with him, they already kissed and hugged each other and she made no secret in showing her interest but he did not ask about her relationship with Joshua. It was her decision, no one knew what really happened between them and Norman Reedus was not the one to bring these questions up. They were close and some kind of friends but not like he was with TWD guys. 

"Well then, let’s go and rob a bank.“ Norman offered, thinking about the 1975 song but with the only difference that in his imagination, the actors were only male.

"I’m more into robbing a Mc Donalds, I’m getting so hungry right now!“ Diane yelled, while they were walking to the limousine with black panels. 

Norman hated cars like that but this was NY and they didn’t want to get the attention from anyone. Also they were on their own, with not even the driver seeing them because of the separated areas. Privacy was a treasure in Hollywood and you were lucky if you had a bit of it on your own. They were driven to a Mexican bar, where you could eat as well and was also famous for their perfect Caipirinhas. Of course it was a bar with a VIP lounge.

About 3 hours they chatted about this and that and Norman relaxed himself for the first time. He drank some alcohol but not too much, he was still concerned about the impact of the other drug, still in his body. Diane ordered only one cocktail, but switched then to water. They both did not need alcohol to have fun and went to the bar more for the atmosphere.

"I think it’s time to leave“ Norman said with a warm smile. 

"How do you now? You don’t have a phone anymore which I can’t understand since you and your phone are best buddies.“ 

"I enjoy this night so much with you, but I’m getting to start dizzy.“

"No, you’re getting old.“ Diane pointed out.

Norman raised his hands: "I surrender.“ 

They walked to the limo, but right in front of it a crowd of about ten people were waiting.

"I’m sorry Mrs Kruger, Mr. Reedus, they just appeared here.“ the driver aplogised.

Fans chanted his name. Norman did not see any paparazzi so he said „It’s ok.“ and went right to them. 

"Hey….hi….hi…“ Norman greeted everyone, "Hey how you’re doing?“ the fans took some photos and totally oversaw, that Diane took the chance to disappear in the car. They might have seen her or not but they did not pay attention to make pictures of her.

"See you soon, enjoy your evening.“ Norman wanted to say goodbye but then suddenly one girl shouted:"NORMAN, WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT ANDREW AND DANAI THEY ARE SO CUTE!“

It had started. 

People read the stories everywhere and now they were asking for his opinion. 

Norman seeing himself giving interviews, faking a smile and saying "Oh yes, they are absolutely lovely together, I wish them the best.“ 

He could not show his real feelings, people would think even more that he fell in love with Andy. 

He was trapped.

He was an actor but not only on-screen.

His life was a play and he himself was Hamlet with the tragic flaw, hunted by nightmares of being alone forever.

And then, he decided to turn that thing around, to absolutely let go and break his inner promise, which was to not get close to anyone anymore, only Andy. 

He decided to get back into his old life of meeting girls, attractive girls, so when Andrew and him would meet again, the conversations would be filled with funny, crazy stories about all the supermodels he met. Andrew wouldn't even have time to talk about Danai. Norman would also not be available anymore as the private therapist, who gave marriage advice. 

He would only take care after himself from now on, denying all affection he once had for Andy, burry the feelings deep down and never get back to that place. 

"Goodbye, Andy.“ he whispered to himself, turning away form the confused crowd and got in the car. 

"Hey Norman thank you so much for distracting them, they would have thought that we-„

The actor interrupted her speech, by pulling himself closer to her in the backseat with one move. She was surprised, but smiled. He then quickly touched her face - she approved it with a nod- then holding it with his hands with a mixture of real sensuality and role-playing aggression, looked her deep in the eyes and said:

"So you like bad boys, right?“


	16. ANDREW LINCOLN IS MY LIFE

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A not so normal chapter.

„Are you kidding me?“

The voice of Andrew’s manager sounded everything but amused. It was the special pitch of the voice where you can tell somebody is right before bursting out in anger, but politely trying to calm down and not succeeding.

„Please tell me you are kidding. Please tell me the media is all wrong.“

„Well,“, the actor, who sat on the balcony of the hotel room in the early morning hours, searched for words, „I….we….Danai and I had to do it.“

„One question Andy: How old are you?“

„I know that I caused a lot of trouble.…“ Andrew starred at the morning sun, rising above Paris. 

Like a big bald head.

Since Norman came up with the term he couldn’t get it out of his head. He even thought about it, when Gael and him were standing on the beach of that beautiful Hawaiian island, they spend their holidays on last summer. 

„You call this trouble? It’s rubbish that’s what it is. Do you know how much time is needed to fix all the broken glass you left behind? Was that a James Bond game for you, a secret service thing? Bloody hell!“

Andrew never heard his manager speaking this way and it made him feel even more guilty. Yes, he was a grown-up man and his management was still his agency, not his parents, but they got very close through the years, advising the actor very well with new ideas he had like movie projects. And he payed this people to kick his ass from time to time. So he was not angry about the statements.

So….what were Andrew and Danai thinking? 

Yes, they thought they had no choice but they should have informed the police. 

Or some consulting detective. 

Inform Benedict Cumberbatch.

Anything, instead of what they actually did.

„Listen,“ Andrew tried to explain, „You know that we did the interview right? Most people will calm down after it.“ 

„We really don’t know how it will turn out in the end… but all workers here will try their best to support you Andrew. We don’t want our clients suffer from a bad image and help whenever we can,…but it was just too much for the moment….I’m sorry.“

„You were right with everything you said. No need to excuse. I’m going to call Gael again now. Or let’s say, I’ll try.“ Andrew stated.

„Of course, the most important thing is that you now get your stability back, your family, your wife. Cause fighting on your own against the press is something you don’t want to do. Trust me.“ the manager said, not being upset anymore and back in his role of the advisor. 

„I already experienced that and it is not on my ‚things I want to do again‘ list. So I’ll call you back later.“

„Alright, take care Andrew.“

The actor hung up the phone and closed his eyes. He felt tired and searched for excuses not to call his wife. 

‚It is too early.‘ 

‚She has to see the interview before.‘

‚I don’t want to wake up the kids.‘

‚She does not want to talk to me.“

In his mind’s eye he imaged her in their bedroom, sobbing all alone. She would not want to burden anyone with her problems. Or maybe, she was packing his clothes right now very angrily into suitcases, so the goodbye would be a short one.

TUUT-TUUUT-TUUUT

She did not pick up the phone. 

TUUT-TUUU-

„Lincoln.“

Her voice sounded cold, robotlike.

„It’s me.“ That’s all Andrew could say.

Silence.

„We did the interview yesterday, as I told you.“

Silence.

„It will be broadcasted this afternoon.“

„Good.“

Her voice did not shake. There was no cry, no heavy breathing.

He should have said something, apologise, but the words in his head all sounded silly right now. 

He should have said something meaninful.

Like ‚I love you‘.

He did not know why, but he couldn’t do it.

Instead he said:“I want to come home.“

Again, silence.

„I miss you and Matilda and Arthur.“ he tried again. 

It was no lie. Usually this would be the time were they all would have breakfast together and celebrate the first day of TWD break. 

The first day were they could finally be a normal family on a normal morning. With a cup of tea, toast with eggs and The Times. He even missed London. 

The rainy, foggy London with its grumpy inhabitants, who only showed their real self, when you got to know them better.

That’s how Norman called them once.

“We have a lot of media trouble right in front of our house. I’m afraid that if you come, our kids will even have more cameras pointed out to their faces, before they go to school.“ Gael mentioned, sounding a bit more than her real self again.

„I understand. Can you come to Paris?“

He knew it was desperate but it was all he could offer.

„I don’t think it is a good idea to leave the house.“ she replied.

„I need to talk to you, in person.“ Andrew craved.

After a long silence, Gael said:“ See you tonight. I’ll send you the arrival time via mail.“

Andrew respired:“Thank you….I’ll send you the driver then.“

„Bye“

„Goodbye Gael.“

TUUUUUUT

He threw himself on the bed and starred at the ceiling. How could he ever doubt his feelings? He missed his family so much and would always wanted to protect them and be near them. They would come over this stunt and all of them having a stronger bond than before. Gael would come. He would see her tonight. 

He felt the ease of the tension and reached for his laptop to check mails and not miss the one from his wife.

337 unread mails.

After 1 day.

Spam not included.

Most of them were redirected fan mails, that the management had sorted out.

He opened one.

_„Dear Mr. Lincoln, I love you so much. You are my greatest actor in the world. Please, can I get a signed autograph with my name on it?“_

‚Some people like it short‘, he thought. He opened another one.

 _„Hello Andrew Lincoln. I’m a big fan of TWD and your character and I wanted to thank you personally for always be there for me in my darkest times....“_ the mail was very long so Andrew decided to read it when he was not so dizzy. He appreciated the personal fan mails and did not want to rush over it.

He clicked on a mail with the subject - MUST READ - from his management. It was redirected as well:

_„Andrew, my dear honey boo. This is the 28th letter I’m writing you and still no reply. But Tony said he read in the sun that you are busy, so here I am. I want to remind you on that promise you gave to my at the Walker Stalker Con. I asked you if you would want to marry me and you said „Why not? Let’s give it a go.“ So since then I am really busy with planning everything. Tony said, you should help me with it but it’s okay, I am a good organizer and if I would not have lost my job 3 years ago because of that rat Judy who snitched to my boss that I stole the money - I would be in a very high position now, organizing things. I have a notebook with collected data about you so don’t worry, I know everything I need to know. My dear old mother herself is tailoring your suit right now, I gave her the size and weight, but you surely know that you must try it on once before the actual wedding day. My mother said the dress I chose for me looks pretty, still I am unsure if I should really wear lavender or maybe change to pink. I always wanted to have a barbie wedding, still now being in my late 50s, so maybe you can change your hair to a more lighter brown since Ken had not so dark hair like you now. I included 8 pictures where you can see the color and show that to your hair dresser. We also need to talk about the music. I think you have great connections so maybe you can call Westlife because I like one song of them I can’t remember the name but when they sing it, I know. I included the guest list and the seat arrangement. I am sorry that I could not include your ex wife, but Tony said that she looks a bit too posh for us and I really want this day to be perfect and everyone to feel comfortable. Will your castmates do funny games and the program or should I ask my aunt Bessie? You see, a lot of things to do but for my honey boo I am doing everything! I hope you got the parcel with my self made muffins as well. Tony said it would need only 3 days to arrive and we sometimes eat our cake still after 5 days. Don’t believe the hype they say. Anyway, I included little love messages in everyone of them to give you a surprise. I don’t want to spoil you but they are small paper notes inside with quotes from The Lion King cause I once saw an interview with you were you said you started to play in theater and they do this as a musical now so you will love it. Sending all my hugs and kisses boo boo, your true love one and only forever xoxoxoxo kisses your soon-to-be- Mrs T. Lincoln.“_

Andrew raised his eyebrows but the funny thing was, he was not shocked after all. He was used to mail like this.

He decided to open just only one more for today:  

_„Mr. Lincoln I am Todd Dunkin from the official ANDREW LINCOLN IS MY LIFE- Forum. I was ordered by the members to ask you a question, which was very widely discussed and left people in wonder. It is my task as the leading head to bring this question to you. In the episode 3x07: When the Dead Come Knocking you wear a checkered shirt with two buttons open. We from ANDREW LINCOLN IS MY LIFE measured the distance between the buttons and it was exactly 12 inches. When you multiply that with 3, because of TWD, you got 36 which is, as everybody knows, the amount of seconds Daryl spoke in the following scene. So we at the ANDREW LINCOLN IS MY LIFE - Forum think, that this must be the ultimate proof that Daryl will die, since an open clothing item meant death in the history of chikawa tribes and there is this Japanese Haiku from 1867 where the author wrote about two men being connected through their clothing in a spiritual way and Rick and Daryl are so we think we found something very important here and if the producers don’t like you to say that we are right you could log in to our forum. We have already a special register field for you if you’ll ever come across it. The name is: ALismL and the password is: clutterbuck73. I use it as well but we can have the account together in my eyes, right? My Skype name is cluttyBucky if you need more information. Thanks in advance, your Todd Dunkin._

"I'm Dead." That's what Norman would say right now. With a big smile on his face. "Andy, I'm dead."


	17. Polaroids

The shades of light red, which were painted to the Paris sky, got darker and darker until they faded into a melancholic blue that stayed so long till it lost its battle against the closing darkness. But the city knew how to defend, suddenly all the lights went on, shining brightfully, shielding the blackness with millions of glowing stars reflected in the peacefully Seine.

_CLICK._

Andrew stood on the balcony, a camera in his hand. It was a nice evening, warm enough to be outside only in a shirt and a light pair of trousers combined with casual sneakers. 

He would never call himself a photographer or an artist. He was someone who knew how to push buttons and read manuals and get accidentally a good shot. That’s all. But still, Norman got him this Kodak to his birthday. 

Norman, the one who had around 100 pictures of Andrew next to his mirror. Most of them were blurred, because Andrew moved too fast, not knowing that his best friend had again took one. None of them were like in a real photo shoot, were they tell you „action“ and you smile - they were all polaroids. 

„Why would somebody give me a camera to my birthday?“ Andrews asked Norman.

„Because…“ Norman stopped, like he would rethink something and then continued, „you have a talent for it.“ and he looked him deep in the eye. 

Andrew looked away and laughed in that shy way people laugh who get a compliment but don’t know how to handle with it.

„Ah Norm, pffhhh no. Me not.“

But in fact he was flattered about that. 

Everyone knew how cool Norman was and his art so somehow the media gave him the role of the mysterious, crazy one whereas Andrew was more the practical, serious kind of guy whose role was to laugh about Norman’s jokes and make him look a bit childish.

They also gave him the role of the „Well buddy, we love each other BUT we are still manly men so don’t kiss me for real“ guy, the one who should calm everybody down and say „Oh, it’s just Norman, he is crazy. No one is gay here.“

Why did they always have to insist on that, why can’t Andrew be the one to end a interview with such a hint. Why should Rick be heterosexual anyway? 

BECAUSE SOME PEOPLE STILL DONT WANT TO WATCH A GAY SHERIFF ON A HORSE. 

When the producers asked Andrew if he could imagine Daryl to be gay, he thought it was an amazing idea but unfortunately they never did that for real. It would have been a huge step for such a show and bring more diversity to TWD. But somehow they were not brave enough. This was still America where you got shot because of your sexual orientation and the candidate president thought you had a disease when you are attracted to a man.

„Come on Andy, show me the pic.“ Norman begged from time to time, putting himself next to him to see the picture the camera immediately printed out and Andrew looked at.

„I have to practice first“ Andrew stated, stepping away from Norman just to take another picture of him.

„Haven’t I told you that the first rule is never to take photos simply because of there is another person in the room?“ Norman tried to catch the polaroid.  „You have told me to capture real emotions, that’s what I’m doing“ Andrew flew to the other side of the trailer. Mocking his best friend was the funniest thing on earth, he could do it all day. 

ANDREW LINCOLN WHY ARE YOU THINKING ABOT NORMAN SINCE 2 HOURS?

He couldn’t believe he spend the evening doing that. In the afternoon he was so happy about Gael to come and now this again. He often found himself thinking about Norman when they were separated but of course it was normal, when you spend so much time together and suddenly there are continents between you.

Norman. Did he see the interview? He should have by now. He was the internet guru, he surely had post something about it on instagram right after Danai and Andrew were spotted at the airport, captioning the pics with #richonne.

There was one voice in Andrew that told him, his best friend would make fun of it and freak out about it, in a positive way. 

But the other part in him questioned his behavior from the beginning. Would’t Norman be angry and think he betrayed his friend? Wouldn’t he think his best friend lied to him and a very good friend, speaking of Danai, too? Would the guy who were betrayed often in his life forgive them so easily? Would he be hurten that no one came to him with the problems? 

„You know that I love him, but we have to stay quiet so everyone around us will act like they would do if it would be real. Even Norman.“ Danai had said.

Andrew went inside, put the Kodak on the table, grabbed his phone and dialed Norman’s number. He suddenly felt very bad again and wanted to speak to him and know everything was ok with him. Maybe he also wanted to …..just…. hear his voice. It was ok for buddies to feel like that. That’s how best friends react. It was ok.

He grabbed his phone and was right before tapping the „Call button“ when..

OH SHIT! He totally forgot the different time zones. He watched at the clock but felt a release. Evening here, so it must have been early afternoon in the US, whether Norman would still be in Atlanta or in his home in New York.

Again he tapped norman’s number but right in this moment he got a call himself.

_INCOMING CALL: GAEL._

_ANSWER IGNORE_

He did not know why, but it took him 5 seconds to decide.


	18. Fading lights

From his bed, he could still see the night view of the city. The lights, which were so prominent in the beginning, had faded. The Eiffel Tower was the only building still shining in its glory, whereas many parts of the city seem to got darker than before. 

Paris was asleep.

For the hundredth time he switched the position and laid side positioned.

The blanket on the other side of the bed was used, still the bed was empty.

Andrew did not want to touch it, or lay on it, he still had to sort things out.

It all was wonderful at the beginning. The hello, the hugs, the conversation, when they both relaxed more and started to kiss, to touch, to feel each other again. But then, laughing about something, while unbuttoning his shirt, Gael said:

"Maybe we should do pictures like Norman did." 

"Hm...?" Andrew groaned by the touch of her hands on his body. Her voice was so far away, his eyes closed. He hadn't been touched since 3 months. 

Of course they had a house in Atlanta, but the family still stayed in London to send the kids to school there and to give them the feeling of a normal life, being surrounded by their relatives. So Gael and him didn't see often. He had to focus, she had work to do as well. At the beginning, she often visited him but then they realized that it would make it even harder to concentrate on their work. 

Now after all they were finally next to each other and she talked about Norman? She always avoided bringing in his name.

"I mean," Gael continued, placing herself over her husband, only wearing underwear, "they had a really good photographer so it does not look like porn or something."

WHAT? Andrew opened his eyes.

Gael did not see his reaction in the dimness of the room.

"I mean some could argue if it is, cause I read that they were dating before so it would be only natural to come so close except that you let someone take a picture of it."

WHAT IS SHE SAYING? Andrew was wide awake. He did not know why, but suddenly he couldn't concentrate on her touches anymore, so he excused himself by having to go to the bathroom. After a while of standing there alone in the bright unnatural light, watching himself in the mirror and thinking WHAT THE F ARE YOU DOING HERE? he went back to the room. She was drinking water so he took the chonce.

Casually he asked:" So...what about these pictures? What had he done wrong this time, that bloody idiot?" 

Gael stopped drinking and put the glass on the ground "Nothing wrong. Just very provocative. But don't you want to come back to bed again and do something different than just talk?" She put on her most inviting look.

"Of course." Andrew laid beside her and started to kiss her shoulders. She relaxed and smiled. But Andrew's thoughts came back so he stopped unconsciously.

WHAT KIND OF PROVOCATION?

"Andy...," Gael moaned.

"Oh I'm sorry." Andrew continued to touch her but it felt like a robot doing what someone told him to do. After a while he had to stop again and said: "What do you mean by that? Who was involved in this?"

Gael opened her eyes, looked at him and he could already feel her getting angry.

"Are you serious?" she said in a pissed tone.

"I'm...Gael sorry. No...of course not." 

What was he thinking? Why did things like that always happen when they were close? Always it was about Norman whether she mentioned him or Andrew himself.

She reached for her bag and grabbed her phone, "I know you can't concentrate when you worry about your best mate."

Yeah, right. Best mate. That what it all was about. Just friends. Worrying about your friend. Normal Andrew, it is normal! He felt relieved somehow cause she stated what he wanted to hear.

Gael's phone went on, the brightness blinded them both but after a second Gael continued browsing the internet. Then she said: "Well here." and gave him the phone.

 _EXCLUSIVE: NORMAN REEDUS AND DIANE KRUGER, 50 SHADES OF MAKING JOSHUA CRY?_  
_Whoopsie, seems like actress Diane Kruger and Walking Dead star Norman Reedus took their affair to the next level. Joshua Jackson might not be amused about these super hot pics, that were shot yesterday at a EW shooting. According to an insider the special shooting took place after the official one, where you can see the couple in very provocative yet sensual pictures. The shots were intended to go online only on the photographer's art homepage, but we got the tip and checked it out and all we can say is_  
*meme of Beyonce making a hot pose*  
Check it out on this page

Andrew clicked on the link and was redirected. 

"Hot right?" Gael asked next to him, getting up and going into the bathroom.

The first thing Andrew saw was a male naked body, laying on a bed that seemed to be from gothic era. The man was only covered with black fabric at the most "male parts", like a silk scarf or something. He also wore a thin scarf around his eyes. The light of the photograph was very dark, like there was a heavy vignette all around the picture, but you could still make out that the man was touching a woman's naked breast, holding it very strongly. One could not make out the woman's face because she had a silver mask covering her eyes. But her mouth, painted with a dark maroon red, was open in joy. 

NORMAN AND DIANE.

Andrew's heartbeat was so fast, he thought every person in the hotel must have heard it. His breath was short.

NORMAN AND DIANE.

He clicked through the slideshow. More pictures with more nudity. 

NORMAN AND DIANE.

Diane sort of on top of him, smiling at the camera, he turning away his head. Always this darkness and sometimes also the effect of fog, so you could never point out the sexuality directly, cause sometimes body parts were cut out and you wonder if the flesh you saw was just the elbow or the back or other things.

NORMAN AND DIANE.

Diane on her knees, Norman with a mask on. 

Andrew was full of anger.

BUT WHY?

'Because it would bring trouble to Norman. That stupid guy. That's all Andrew. You worry.' said his inner voice.

NORMAN AND DIANE.

He holding her face in his hands, a tear on her face, both their eyes shot.

IF I WORRY, WHY AM I IN SUCH A RAGE? he asks back

'Because you want the best for him. And Diane is clearly not."

SHE IS LOVELY, he said to himself.

Gael came back to the bed and jolted him out of his inner fight by saying:"We can do such pics as well."

"What? Yeah...yeah of course...listen, I'm very sorry but I'm more than tired right now. Maybe we could...postpone...our....."

"You sound like your manager Andy." Gael laughed, "I'm tired, too. I'm just glad everything is okay now between us." She kissed him.

Andrew tasted the kiss but it tasted like nothing. 

It didn't even taste like joy.

It tasted like the closer coming darkness and Andrew felt like trapped in a melancholic blue.

And the only person holding the light, was miles and miles away.

"Andy,...everything is okay right?" She looked at him in a worry.

Andrew said nothing, he couldn't. It was all too much. 

"ANDREW!" she shouted at him, shook his shoulders till he said "I think I have to go for a walk."

"You....you WHAT? No...no...just no...I'll go." and with that she got up, put her clothes on, took her jacket and her bag and left the hotel room. 

The actor was still in shock but got up after a few seconds, put his clothes on as well and went outside to look for her. 

Nobody.

He searched the whole floor and finally found her standing at the reception, talking to a staff member and receiving a key card.

The actor went to her and tried to control his voice:"Gael! Please! Let me explain." He touched her elbow.

She stepped back and turned into another floor direction, walking very fast.

The staff member watched the two closely so Andrew just shouted after her:"Gael please." but she disappeared into a single room.

Andrew thought about to run after her and talk about everything but she clearly didn't want to have contact now so he respected her space.

He felt bad when he walked back to his own room.

HAD HE LOST HIS MIND TO TREAT HIS WIFE LIKE THAT?

He entered the room, closed the door and laid on the bed.

WHAT WAS GOING ON WITH HIM? 

He closed his eyes but that didn't help at all.

So all he could do was starring outside the window, searching for answers in the dark sky, that had now won the battle against the fading lights of Paris.


	19. Don't you...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone, I am super sorry for letting you wait for such a long time, I felt it was not the right time to go on and I also was very busy. The many kudos I got from you all motivated me to keep the story going. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for that, I love you all!

"Norman? Is everything okay?" Diane put her hands over Norman's and slowly turned them down.

'Even in this state she is completely kind and caring more for me than for her.', Norman thought.

"I.....I am sorry...." the actor said, falling back into his seat. 

"Please drive us back to the hotel." Diane said to the driver, looking very concerned.

Silence.

Diane looking at him.

APOLOGIZE NORMAN!

"I ....Diane listen....I really like you..."

"..but you never were interested in a long term relationship... or you think I'm not attractive enough." Norman shook his head to this statement of Diane, she continued:"I don't know. What I know is that this behavior came all of a sudden and does not fit to you. Yes we were flirting, but you look like there is something eating you up inside that you want to forget. That's why I stopped you." 

The man looked down, whispering: "There are some problems I cannot talk about."

Diane watched him for a few seconds, then simply said: "Hollywood is cruel."

Norman smiled a bit and nodded. He was glad she did not ask further questions, so they drove back in silence. At the hotel she hugged him for a while, he being unable to rejoin. His feelings were still in chaos, a mix between anger, frustration, lust and self-pity. 

The moment he closed the door in his room, standing alone in complete darkness, he felt so tired and exhausted, he did not even turn the lights on to go to his bed. He undressed his jeans, vest, shirts and socks, walked slowly to his bed and let himself fell in.

WHAT IS THAT?

He felt paper under his naked back so he turned around. Did the room service staff accidentally leave something from their own things? He once noticed that they always had a formula of cleaning with them, like a checklist.

No, it was smaller.

He turned on the bedight light, quickly opening his eyes...

It was an envelope! 

Usually you had to go to the reception to see if someone left a message for you, but being a VIP there are some services you get for free. Like receiving messages from directors, producers, friends when they could not reach you via phone. It was not uncommon to Norman, he often had been to interviews or photoshoots with no phone signal. But it was rarely used, since he did not tell a lot of people were he would spend the night. 

The actor used his thumb to open it, he was curious but was also too tired to stand up and search for another tool. His eyes opened, while he read the message:

_Hey Norman, I tried to contact you, please call me back, Andrew._

HIS FIRST MESSAGE FROM ANDREW SINCE....

since...

Andrew and Danai!

So they really wanted to talk to him after all has been already said? 

THERE IS NOTHING TO SAY ANYMORE!

It's all clear, it's all okay.

Andrew and Danai..... the new love couple of Hollywood.

And they wanted him to give his blessings, making him the stupid best friend of the bridegroom and bride or whatever they had in mind.

He balled the letter up angrily and threw it against the wall in front of him. 

HELL NO THEY SHOULD LEAVE HIM ALONE!

He reached out for the envelope, ready to crumble it up as well but then he saw a small note from the hotel, done in a very ornate writing:

_"Dear Mr. Reedus, You have 4 calls from "Amy". If you know this person and want to call her back over our service, feel free to dial 1 anytime so we can connect you."_

Amy? Why.....oh yes right...he gave her the hotel name because she was taking care of his mobile phone and they would need to make an appointment for when to return it.

'I don't want to deal with that right now' Norman thought. The man closed his eyes but he still saw in his mind the balled up message from Andrew.

He once made a prank to Andy that the British guy never told the press. All fans thought they were informed but they did not know about this one and there was a reason for that.

Andrew and Gael had problems in their marriage, serious problems. She was once seeing another man, it was only a short time and according to Gael, nothing happened - but Andy did not trust her anymore since then and started to get emotionally unavailable to her, then to everyone else. It was like Rick and Lori, and on some days Norman did not know if Andy was playing just a role, or simply being out of his mind. Frustrated, deeply sad, apathetic. 

In this time the men connected through looks, little touches like a clap on the shoulder or sitting next to each other in silence, watching a movie, but being completely okay with it.

It was also a hard time for Norman, he suffered a lot seeing him that way. After a while Gael and Andrew came over the crisis and suddenly the actor did not show up anymore in Norman's trailer. The British man could not wait to finish his scene and then head back to his family. Suddenly, the bound with his best friend was nothing more than "the two dudes from The Walking Dead giving an interview", not "the two best friends". 

Norman tried to make him jealous, but Andy did not react to "Hey look how Steven is my new best friend-jokes". So Norman, in a moment of too much Gin, wrote over 100 post-its and placed it on the windshield of Andrew's car, so only the person sitting inside could read it. 

_HEY._

was written on every post-it. 

Norman hid in Lauren's car so he was able to see his friend's reaction. 

No one was around when Andrew appeared. He wore his typical clothes he came to set with, jeans, a grey shirt and some old sneakers. The actor was walking to his car when suddenly he saw the papers in his car. He put his hands on his hips, looked at the sky and was a bit annoyed like someone, who had enough of the silly games of a kid. 

It hurt Norman somehow, but he was not surprised. Andrew could not wait to get to his family. The former pranks and jokes were only in his way.

He opened the car and got in and closed the door. Then a moment of silence. From outside Norman could see him then starting to take the papers away. His face seemed to had lighten up a bit. When the windshield was clear, Andy turned the keys. 

DON'T YOU, FORGET ABOUT ME -

Simple Minds sang from his radio.

DON'T DON'T DON'T -

Norman had also prepared a CD in Andy's car with the song, which was now automatically played in high volume.

FORGET ABOUT ME -

Andrew hold still for a second, then a big smile came upon his face.

NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NAA

And till today, Norman did not know why. 

His plan was to show up and talk to him or just laugh and see how Andy would react. He expected him to be angry or simply drive away but the actor stayed in his car for a while, and then finally driving off with the song still on and the smile still on his face.

WHY. Why did Andrew do that? He also never talked about it, although he knew for sure which handwriting it was and that only one person would do this. But he treated Norman better after that and their friendship started to become even bigger. 

Still, no one said a word about this. Norman expected him to talk about it to the press, like he always did. But no. 

It stayed something special, something only they knew. 

That was what made Norman so dreamy, so thoughtful, so hopeful. 

And he never forgot Andrew's beautiful smile at that moment......

Norman opened his eyes. 

On his floor the paper, on his bed the message with the envelope.

'Oh how much I want to call you back Andy...how I miss you....your voice...' Norman thought, sighing heavily under the pain of missing him.

Andrew and Danai kissing.

I WON'T CALL HIM.

Andrew and Norman joking.

OH GOD I HAVE TO CALL HIM.

Andrew and Danai in bed.

I CAN'T DO IT.

Andrew and Norman smiling to each other.

I'M DYING TO HEAR HIM.

Andrew and Danai ... 

DON'T CALL HIM NORMAN, the actor screamed to himself, DON'T YOU-

He dialed 1.

Forget about me.


	20. Hello...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So finally, after 1 year or so, I had the time to continue this story. I hope you'll find back to the story :)
> 
> Thank you for staying with me, I love you all!

"Hello...?"

“Hey buddy, it’s me.“

Andrew quickly opened his eyes to the familiar voice coming out of the phone speaker.

He had picked up the phone to stop the ring tone, not looking at his screen. Andrew was excited to hear his friend, but still half asleep, cuddled up in his bed. He closed his eyes again. It was more a murmur, when he replied: “Hey…Norm…“

"You sound…tired.“

"It’s early dude.“ Andrew rubbed his eyes and opened it again.

Outside the window he could still see some stars, slowly fading, being competed by the rising sun.

"You call 1 am early?“

OH! Norman did not know that Andrew was still in Paris!

"I am in….France.“ the British actor said.

Silence. No reply from Norman.

Andrew was suddenly awake.

So Norman heard or read about the stunt. He must have been angry.

Andrew continued, this time with a more steady voice:“ Okay I guess you heard about this thing with Danai and me. Listen, it was“ and here he spoke very slowly, stressing every word, "something we had to do.“

Still silence. Andrew continued:

"Nobody knew. Not even Gael. We did not want to exclude you but we had to.“

———-

"We did not want to exclude you, but we had to.“

The sentence echoed in Norman’s head.

Before he actually called Andrew, Norman desperately convinced himself, that it must been a joke. That this was all a huge prank from these popular prank shows.

And Norman, was the protagonist.

But hearing his friend taking so seriously came unexpected. How long would they have to play the game?

Feeling a bit dizzy, drunk and sort of euphoric to how Andrew had planned this all well, Norman decided to turn it around and make Andrew look like a fool.

They wanted him to think that Andrew and Danai were together for real? Well no.

"Yeeah…yeah I see. Don’t worry Bro. It’s totally ok and I hope that you don’t have to hide anymore from now on. Live freely.“

——

'Wow, he totally got what we wanted to say with this whole stunt', Andrew thought, 'That we cannot walk freely anymore, without press...he must have seen the interview, where we talked about Danai being blackmailed.“

He thought about the argument with Gael and that he should follow her back to London. But for some reason, he had the urge to see Norman.

"I hope that everyone will accept that now. But we both know how Hollywood is right? Look, I will fly back today to the US.“ Andrew continued.

-——

'It is getting ridiculous now', Norman thought.

Fly back? This was totally a prank. It was series break and there was no reasons for Andrew to be in the states.

Norman wondered, why he believed it in the first place, why he made such a fuss about it, why he almost …

He wanted to see Andrew’s face, when he told him that he found out about his plan to prank him.

So he said: "Oh yeah, I understand. There must be a lot of things you have to care about now. Will you go to Atlanta?“

"Yes and it would be great if we could….talk in person…if you have time.“

"I’m in NY but will also fly back today, so maybe we can meet day after tomorrow.“

"Sure,...please turn on your mobile phone. I was surprised, that it was off to be honest.“ Norman could see Andrew smile in his inner eye.

"Oh“ Norman chuckled „I just needed a social media break.“

"That makes two of us. So call me when you’re back.“

"I will. Take care.“

"Yeah,…bye.“

„Bye.“

Norman’s heart jumped for excitement. He would see Andrew very soon and then everything would be fine.

Suddenly he felt warm and comfy inside and wanted nothing more than cuddle himself up in the sheets and dream.

Dream about the meeting. Dream about seeing Andrew. Being close to him. Getting lost in his eyes.


	21. No Richonne in real life

Kisses. 

Soft kisses. 

Hard kisses. 

Kisses.

Andrew’s smell.  
———

"You want another beer sir?“ 

 Norman woke up from a daydream. He looked at the young waiter like he was from another planet.

"Oh no….no…thank you…just a coke please.“

The waiter went inside the cafe, secretly shaking his head on his way back.

Norman did not care. What mattered was that Andrew was late. That was untypical for him. 

For the tenth time Norman checked his phone, which he picked up from Amy the day before. He had not went to Twitter or anything else, he did not even read the hundreds of messages from other people. After all the stress, he needed a break. He checked only for one call: Andrew’s.   

Nothing.

He then decided to distract himself by watching other guests.

The small blue cafe was almost empty like always. It was not on the main tourist route, where all the Walking Dead Fans would go, you could have missed it easily. Greg had recommended it to him and the other actors. It was a secret spot.

There was only one man at the bar eating pancakes and a young couple that shared innocent glances between each other, while holding hands.

Norman sighed. 

"You look like a stalker.“

Norman turned his head.

"ANDY!“ Norman smiled all over his face.

Andrew stood there in a white shirt, grey jeans and black sneakers. 

He looked so casual yet like a god.

Norman stood up and they both hugged quickly. 

Andrew looked at his friend and said: "Norm, we just ended shooting and you look like snowwhite. Where did all your tan go?“

This was Andy. He never failed to make him feel good. It was such a trustful, jokingly atmosphere from the second on, the actor arrived. 

That’s why everybody loves him, Norman thought.

They both sat down.

„That’s the tan of a busy working man, my friend.“

Andrew laughed. „Watch out or they will book you for the next Twilight movie.“

STILL A BETTER- Norman’s brain shouted.

The waiter came with his coke and Andrew ordered one as well. The young boy looked at him and then at Norman, then back to Andrew. He made a strange noise. "OOohh.“ The he left.

"It’s funny, they both recognize us more, when we’re together.“ Norman bursted out.

Andrew suddenly looked sad. 

Norman felt, that this was the moment where his friend would continue acting the prank, so he started to talk seriously:

"So…a lot of things happened…“

Andrew seemed relieved that Norman brought up the topic. 

WOW, he is really such a good actor! 

Andrew began:“ Yeah, quite a lot of trouble in Paris…and with Gael…and Greg…and Danai…“

"Man, you sound almost like you started a fight with everyone.“ Norman laughed.

The British actor looked away.

The waiter came to their table and put the drink on the table. His cheeks were red, one could see his excitement. 

"I r-r-really like your show…I mean I love it, I love it!“ 

Andrew smiled but Norman saw, that he looked very stressed out. Another thing that was untypical, because normally he would have been the one talking to fans, laughing and chatting.

"Thank you so much man.“ Norman smiled at the waiter, „We enjoy being here. But I haven't seen you before, are you new?“

"Y-y-es, it’s my second day. ….“ he turned to Andrew again.“ S-s-ir, I would like to say that I think what you did was brave….with Michonne I mean….what was her name again?“

"Danai.“ Andrew replied. 

Norman observed, that he was thankful for the statement but also a little bit upset, because often fans did know their names but not the one of the women, who were working as hard as they did.

A man from inside was shouting "TAY! WE NEED YOU HERE.“

The waiter shouted back "COMING!“, then turned to Norman and said „Well, so no Richonne in real life for us, right?“ and left.


	22. Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid

In seconds, Norman’s world fell apart. If this would have been a prank, the waiter would not have said such a thing. 

So they were a couple, but not anymore?

Was it real?

 He almost panicked, felt sweat everywhere and rushed to drink half of his coke.

"Everything’s alright?“ Andrew faced Norman.

"Yeah, yeah…“ Norman tried to calm himself down, "You wanted to talk? You are here in Atlanta, not in London…that is strange.“

"Oh I thought you knew it? Have you not seen….the pictures?“

Norman felt like his heart stopped beating. 

He spoke the next words very slowly: "You mean, Danai and you?“

"Norm….I……“, Andrew wanted to say something but then stopped.

"Are you…?“ Norman could not speak any further. He was totally confused and tensed. 

"Have you not seen the interview?“ Andrew frowned.

"What are you talking about? I have seen pictures of you and Danai, kissing.“

It sounded so much like a reproach, but Norman did not care. He needed to know the truth. Now.

"Someone blackmailed us….blackmailed Danai.“

Norman almost fell from his chair. „WHAT?“  
———-

After Andrew explained everything, Norman was still unable to say anything. Too many thoughts ran through his mind, too many questions still unanswered. 

"Danai is now with her family. She wants you to know that she is sorry.“

Norman could not look Andrew in the eyes.

He felt released that Danai was okay, released that they were not a couple…but there was something else.

They both did not went to him with their problems. Although, they always told him, that he was such a good buddy. 

In the end, he was an outsider to their plans like everyone else. 

Norman felt excluded from his two best friends.

"We did not want you to feel left out, I promise. We had to decide quickly what to do and I even lied to Gael.“ Andrew’s voice broke when he mentioned his wife.

Norman looked at Andrew and saw his regret.

If he could, he would have hugged him right away. 

"Andy, it’s okay, I’m glad you are both unharmed and I feel sorry for what you had to go through.“

Andrew nodded in silence, looked at him with a thankful expression.

Norman continued: “And for one time in history, I’m glad you don’t have social media.“

Andrew smiled a bit.

"So, do you want to go to the lake? That’ll take your mind off things.“ Norman wanted to see his friend feel better again.

"Yeah sure, that’s a great idea!“ Andrew’s eyes looked lively, again.

They both left a huge tip for the waiter. 

Then Norman sat on his motor bike, while Andrew took his white Ford and they drove off.

\---

Norman enjoyed motorcycling, but it was completely different when he knew, that Andrew was driving right behind him. 

Driving alone was freedom. 

Driving with Andrew was fulfillment.

Pure happiness. 

Just Andrew and him. 

No cameras, no other people, just the road and the two men. 

Like Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid.


	23. Para-para-paradise

They had to drive two hours to get to their favorite place. 

It was a hidden, small lake surrounded by beautiful trees, which led their branches hung deep down in the water, so it reflected the greenery of it and mixed it with it’s clear blue.

Around the lake one could find yellow and purple wildflowers and of course, the white Cherokee rose.

There were wood ducks, slowly letting themselves drift. There were Hawks majestically flying in the distance. 

A pictoresque scenery, made for those who wanted to see beauty, to feel beauty.

Norman had discovered it on one of his "I need fresh air“ trips and showed it to Andrew right after. 

"You found paradise.“ Andrew observed that day and Norman felt happy for a long time.

Usually they would wander around, not talking much, sometimes they would walk straight through the woods, feeling a bit like in the series, again. But in contrast to that, with no Zombies.

Today it seemed like Andrew was not heading for the forest, but wanted to walk around the lake on the small path.

Normally they avoided that and Norman always wondered, if it would look to romantic, too much like a couple if they did that. 

Then he told himself again that Andrew was not interested and he was only dreaming.

"I have spotted a bench right there last time.“ Andrew said and pointed into the distance, "See? Right there!“

Norman saw it and thoughts ran through his mind. 'Why would he want to sit on a bench with me? Like …. two old people? Like two old married people?'

But he nodded instead of saying something and they went for it.

\---

The weather was quite comfortable, it was not the brutal heart like always in Georgia, but more the a perfect warmth, where one could still enjoy the sun. 

After a few minutes, they arrived at the bench.

Andrew sat down immediately, rest his arms upon the rest and looked super relaxed.

Norman did not know what to do.

SHOULD I SIT DOWN AS WELL OR? 

He was nervous and picked up a branch from the ground and acted liked he would crafted something with it. 

He felt Andrew glancing at him, then at the lake.

Something on this scene felt familiar.

"This is exactly what Daryl would do.“ Andrew stated behind Norman after a while.

Norman turned around, SO THIS IS WHY THIS FEELS SO FAMILIAR! They were Daryl and Rick again.

Daryl, the tough guy, but also the one who flinched, when someone came to close.

Rick, the leader, who could be so thoughtful and emotional when he was with people who he trusted.

"Gimme a break man and sit down.“ Andrew suggested with a laugh in his voice.

So he was Andrew again, but with an American Rick slang. 

Sometimes it was really confusing!

\- Just buddies, dude! Just buddies! -

Norman sat down at the end of the bench. Andrew took his arms down.

OF COURSE HE WOULD DO THAT. 

Why should he…leave them there like they were…?

It’s not that Andy was uncomfortable with his presence, they also almost cuddled at this one Walker Con, but there was one difference: They were surrounded by people.

So it was okay. It was JUST A JOKE. JUST BUDDIES!

Hahaha, audience laughing at the Bromance joke. Norman sending Andrew fan pictures of them both, Gael getting concerned. Hahaha. All for the laughs right?

Here there were no cameras, no people, no roles to play. 

Here they were Andrew Lincoln and Norman Reedus and they were friends, collegues. Nothing more.

Why would he leaves his arms there?

Norman did not know what to do with his own hands. They felt like they were in the way, like so often.

He looked at Andrew to get an answer what to do next, to be ready for the "Okay, fine, enough of that, let’s leave“ sentence.

But it did not come. 

The man watched the lake in complete calmness and looked so satisfied, that Norman did not want to interrupt that.

Seeing him this way was enough, he did not need more. Sitting on a bench with him, without anyone else, was more he could ever ask for. 

He felt not nervous anymore.

After a long time of stressful and emotional days, Norman could finally relax.


	24. Best buddies chilling in nature

Andrew watched the scaups diving, like they run a race against each other...or a silly game of diving.

The last days felt like he had dived as well, but then forgot how to emerge. 

Only being out here, had made his head clear, his self calm. 

Although his life was a mess at the moment and he had to face so much trouble, he felt like he could finally breathe again.

But was it really the nature alone, the beautiful landscape, that made him so relaxed?

Norman. He was with his friend Norman. That's why.

He stole a glance at him in a moment his friend closed his eyes and enjoyed the sun.

Norman wore a black shirt with a grey figure on it, maybe from sin city?, black jeans and black shoes. He also wore a cap, slightly turned to the side. Like so often, he looked like a pro skater but with a twist of elegance in his outfit. It differed slightly from his style when they had film premieres or something. There he often wore vests, ties and looked like a fashionable rockstar. 

Andrew looked at his own outfit. Some old white shirt, some old grey trousers. He wished he could be more like Norman, more mysterious, more cool, more Vogue.

But it was not only Normans outfit that made him so special. 

It was his laid back, mysterious attitude, combined with a drive to make everyone feel comfortable around him. Even if that meant he would make a fool out of himself, to make the other person feel more comfortable. 

He also was a great father and treated children with high respect. Even the youngest fans that came to the Walking Dead Conventions left with a smile after Norman had talked to them. On top of that he treated everyone on set the same, famous actress or catering staff.

Andrew felt so thankful for this friendship and realised, that he had often took it for granted. 

Usually they shot the last scene and straightly headed to all their families, went back to their „other“ lives. 

But here in this moment, slowed down from the every day stress, he had the time to think about it. 

He also thought about Gael and that they stopped doing things like this, because most of the time it was about spending time with the whole family. There were grandparents to visit, holidays to make together. 

Sure, after she fell in love with another man it was a chaotic time and then after that, their love felt so fresh and new. But still they could not manage to go back to their old status, to their old trust.   
   
'Norman was there all the time“ Andrew thought. 

But it was more than that. 

There were some feelings that he was not able to explain. 

——-

 Norman looked at Andrew, who sat there and listened to the quiet waves from the lake and watched the birds. 

So here they were again. Everything back to normal. Everything like it was before. 

Best buddies.

Suddenly Andrew broke the silence:

„I could do this all day.“ he said in a longingly tone, still looking at the lake.

Best buddies chilling in nature.

„Gael and I ….“

Best buddies chilling in nature, with one of them being married.

„we -„

Married happily. With kids.

„I think we will …I think I will…“

Another kid?

„- break up.“

Norman turned his head and looked at Andrew in shock.

THEY WANT TO DO WHAT???


	25. Not this time

"Andy..I…don’t know what you mean with that? Is this a joke?“

Andrew watched a duck family swam away from their sights, so it was almost like the two men were the only creatures there.

"Andrew?“ 

The British actor looked briefly at Norman: 

"I did not tell her that Danai and I …that it was just a stunt…She suffered a lot…althought it was not true.“

His explanation sounded annoyed, like he thought Norman was stupid for not getting it. 

Norman did not know where this change in their conversation came from, but he tried to overhear it and suggested in a rush:

“Yeah of course. She is sad. She thinks you don’t put her first anymore. You should show her some extra love, go on vacation. Helena and I can take the kids if you want to. I’ll talk to her.“

Andrew looked down at the soil, his face was tensed, almost like he would cry in a second. But then also, the palm of his hands were clenched to fists, pressing against the bench.

"Yes…no…thank you….but I’m not-“ He did not finish the sentence.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM? Norman had to put himself together to not hug his friend right away and get close to him. 

”What do you want to do now?” Norman tried to ask.

"I’m not sure.“ Andrew replied and looked very distant and cold.

"Oh“ Norman said and then continued, again very fast speaking, „But it’s normal right? You are together for so long! You get unsure, it’s normal!“

Suddenly Andrew's face tensed even more and he stood up, shouting from a higher position to Norman:  

“WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT LONG TERM RELATIONSHIPS? YOU DID NOT EVEN HAVE ONE IN THE LAST YEARS. YOU WALK AROUND LIKE EVERTHING IS SO COOL AND FUNNY. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING” 

He came very close to Norman’s face and pointed with the finger towards him 

”YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT KEEPING A FAMILY TOGETHER, ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS GET BROKEN. AND YOU DON’T FUCKING CARE.”

And with that he turned around and angrily kicked a stone into the lake.

Norman was speechless. 

He never saw his friend that upset towards him. 

He felt overwhelmed because he could not handle Andrew being so mean to him. His body was shaken because of the anger that grew inside him as well and of course the anger, that was directly coming towards him. 

What had he, Norman, done? Hadn’t he been there all the time? 

Why would Andy say such things? 

What made him mention Norman’s single status? 

Yes, it was true, he did not have a wife or even a girlfriend. The last long term thing was with Helena.

A flashback. The sad face of Mingus. The disappointed looks of Norman’s parents, the tears on Helena’s face when they were officially over. He was used of not liking these thoughts, but he was not used to be confronted with them that way. Andrew's anger, his body language, his shouting, his mean sayings, it felt like someone stabbed him from the back. He did not care??? OH REALLY?

He stood up, ready to leave, filled with frustration and sadness.

Andrew turned around, coming very close to Norman. Two or three feet apart. He seemed not angry anymore, he seemed broken.

His voice was unsteady, weak and quiet again: ”I’m sorry.” and by saying that, he looked at Norman with guilt. 

’No, not this time’ Norman thought, ’Not this time.’

”You should get some rest dude. And then…good luck with Gael.”

Saying this words felt like, again, ramming a knife into his own chest and leaving the wound open, but after hearing all this it was just too much to handle.

Andrew looked exhausted, unable to say anything back.

Norman adjusted his cap to the front for no reason.

Andrew still stood there like a complete wreck.

Norman made a snorting sound, like he would wanted to give himself a signal that it was time to move.

’LEAVE, NOW!’ his brain shouted.

Andrew made a move towards him but Norman flinched back.

”Going.” he stated, turned around and walked away.


	26. Blueness

I WON'T LET YOU SEE MY TEARS MOTHERF*! Norman thought, while drop after drop landed on his cheeks and made it's way down.

Down to the mouth, down to the neck.

Running.

And like so often, Norman wished that there was a way to drown in this sea of tears.

He knew this situation so well, because it was the forth and back he experienced with Andrew, the time Gael had another lover.

The outbursts of his friend, the forgiveness of Norman, the advice he gave, the "You will get back together, don't worry" that he hated to say but had to, since all he wanted was to see Andy happy.

Norman had to face situations like these almost over a half year and in the end Andrew and Gael were happy and he was the outsider, again.

Everything back to normal bro!

BRO BRO BRO BRO BRO

it echoed inside him.

BROTHER, YOU'RE MY BROTHER.

Rick looking at Daryl and literally saying "I love you".

JUST BROS DUDE!

It ate Norman up inside.

He had walked half of the way back, took the path in the woods.

Suddenly, he stopped.

Another lake?

Had he took the wrong path?

He looked around and realized, that in his anger he might lost track.

The lake was not as big as their spot, but big enough to not see the opposite side that well.

Norman was heated up, he almost ran half the way and usually he would now think about to go for a swim.

But he was not interested in feeling fresh.

The actor simply did not want to go back to his bike, back to another pointless conversation with Andrew.

He wanted to feel like that night at the party, where everything floated and he could shut the world off.

Where dullness was accepted, where he could rest, where there would be no questions anymore.

Just a clear blueness that would welcome him.

The actor was sure about that.

Norman took of his shoes, socks, jeans and shirt, so he only stood there in pants.

He did not feel cold, why would he.

Norman stopped feeling anything.

He went into the water.

One, two, three, four swimming strokes.

He almost could not await reaching the middle of the lake, where he knew, that the blueness would wait for him.


	27. Run!

Andrew hated himself.

First he watched Norman leave, then, when he could not bare it anymore, he turned around, picked up a stone and threw it in the lake to relieve his aggression.

Then another one. And another one.

He repeated it about twenty times, then he felt how senseless this action was, stopped and sat on the ground.

He buried his face in his hands and persisted in this position.

YOU ARE SUCH AN IDIOT!

Norman had done nothing wrong.

Andrew when he thought about Gael and how fucked up his life was. How complicated.

Yes, of course he was living the dream of every actor around the planet. 

But was he living the dream of every man? Of every person to be?

Yes, he had a family and lovely kids. He had a safe income, a house, a car, he had friends.

But somehow, something was missing.

Trust? 

He was not able to trust Gael anymore, not like in the past.

Stability?

He felt insecure every single day. 

Desire?

He was longing for touch, but the touch that gave not only satisfaction but made him feel completely himself, made him feel like…like…like Norman made him feel.

Norman!

Andrew released himself from the position and sat straight. 

This was not their first argument but he never said such hurting things like today. For other people it would be nothing serious, but with Norman’s past and his broken family it was a more than harsh. 

Andrew knew that, maybe that’s why he shouted these things. 

He wanted to make him feel worse than he did himself, release his anger in a BOOM of reproaches.

And oh boy did he succeed.

But still the question remained: Why was he so angry?

WHY DID YOU LET HIM WALK AWAY YOU STUPID SON OF A B* ?

Because otherwise he would have to explain, what he did not understand himself.

He finally stood up and turned around.

The bench.

In his mind’s eye he could see himself and Norman sitting there.

Two best buddies.

Two best buddies?

He felt angry again and did not know why.

Two best buddies.

GO AND APOLOGIZE!

Andrew started to walk towards the path, his face expression fiercely determined.

Of course he had to apologize! What made him wait so long? 

He began to walk faster, then changed over to jogging.

Suddenly, he could not wait to overtake Norman, to tell him, how sorry he was.

How much time did he waste, sitting there like a baby?

Was Norman already on his way home? Or would he go somewhere else?

Andrew started to run.


	28. Song to say goodbye

Norman’s plan proved to be unsuccessful. 

Before he could even reach the middle of the lake, the strong current forced him to let himself drift along the banks.

’Even that I cannot make right.’ Norman thought.

Where would the stream lead him to? To the opposite side of the lake? To these rocks who stood proud from the water? 

Suddenly, re realised the change in the speed of the current. It was a force that he could not fight against and also, there was no need to.

He closed his eyes and let himself float.

The water surrounded him, again. 

This wonderful silence you can only experience underwater.

"You are one of God's mistakes,  
You crying, tragic waste of skin"

Somehow he had to think about that evening, he discovered the band Placebo.

It was one of these nights where he would rather prowl around in the streets of Tokyo then to go home to his small apartment. The city fascinated him but often he felt very lonely. Being outside, between the street markets, the crowded busy places and the huge neon signs made him feel like he belonged here. 

It was an illusion, but when you are young, you like illusions.

One night he found himself in a concert hall with Placebo in it. He was drunk so he did not know with whom he came, how he made it inside without a ticket, but what mattered was, that he was there. 

"Now I'm breaking down your door,  
To try and save your swollen face,  
Though I don't like you anymore,  
You lying, trying waste of space."

He loved every song, every minute of it. 

It was like the songs were completely written for him. The angst, the depression, the melancholy, everything combined in one band. But the lyrics, as sad as they were, gave him hope, the performance was so authentic, so real, so to the bones that Norman shed tears over it. He looked around and realised, that he was not the only one. And in that moment, he was no outsider anymore. 

"My oh my.  
A song to say goodbye."

It was the last thought he had, before his head smashed against the rock.

 

——

It was one of those moments, where you think God had pushed the slow motion button on the world’s remote control.

The second Andrew discovered Norman far away in the water.

The moment he watched him float.

The instant he took off his shoes, his jeans, his shirt, his phone, his keys, while running inside the water.

The blink of an eye when he stopped, when Norman crashed against the rock.

Where Andrew stood helplessly, feeling the harshness of the world hit in his face over and over again, when he realized, that he was so far away, so senselessly far away.

The second he decided to give everything, to give his own life to save Norman. 

The second he jumped into the water, swam as fast as never before.

FASTER FASTER IT IS TOO SLOW,   FASTER!

Andrew was out of breath but he kept on swimming, moving his arms, tried to cover the distance by using the crawl. 

ONLY A LITTLE BIT LONGER!

Determined. His arms felt so weak.

YOU ARE ALREADY THERE!

His heart was pumping so fast he thought he would faint.

JUST A LITTLE BIT AND YOU’RE - …

He reached Norman’s body.

RED WATER ALL AROUND!

Norman’s head was bleeding.

The current was strong here, water everywhere, Andrew gasped for air and started to panic.

IS HE?

Andrew did fight against the thought.

FOCUS ANDREW!

He deeply inhaled and focused on functioning, focused on Norman.

He towed the body behind him and swam, until he could stand again. 

Next he pulled the man away from the water, on the hard shingle beach.

There he hold Norman’s face in his hands and shouted: ”NORMAN! NORMAN! NORMAN!” and slapped his face one time.

Nothing.

Norman laid there still.

NO NO NO NO NO!

NO!!!!

Andrew was desperate, but tried to focus again and checked for vital signs. 

He used his fingertips and pressed them firmly on Norman’s wrist, at the same time he was checking for movement in his friend’s chest.

YES YES YES THERE WAS A WEAK PULS RATE AND -

Andrew started to cry

HE WAS BREATHING.

But that could mean nothing, he was still unconscious! 

Maybe he had swallowed too much water, maybe his head injury would get worse and lead to …

Andrew did not want to follow this thought.

He knew, his only help would be to reach his phone and call the emergency. 

He knew that every second counted and he knew that he was not educated for a case like this.

Andrew made the decision. 

He stood up.

With every little bit of energy that was left, he ran along the banks.

I SWEAR NORMAN REEDUS IF YOU WON’T WAIT FOR ME I WILL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN!

Tears all over his face when he reached his phone. 

With shaky hands he dialed 911, while already heading back to the body, who laid there without movement. 

Still. 

I SWEAR YOU FUCKER, I WILL - NEVER - TALK - TO - YOU - AGAIN!!!!!


	29. Bring me to life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Will this story ever come to an end? Yes, I promise. For now, have fun with the next ups and downs of our two favorite characters.

"Mum, why can’t we stay here? Why must we move? I have all my friends here.“

The teenager, who was wearing ripped off jeans, a slim fit punk rock band shirt and red chucks, looked aggressively towards his Mum, while leaning against a wall in an old, but friendly decorated kitchen.

The woman sighed "Norman, we have talked about this a hundred times. Spain is a new opportunity for us. For all of us.“ 

She stepped closer to her son. "Maybe you will like the school better than here, their education system is far different than ours. And you won’t even have a disadvantage, I know your Spanish is at least on a good beginner level.“

The teenager looked away angrily. 

"Please.“ the woman said, opening her arms. "Together we will make it. Like we always do.“

————-

Loud voices.

WHY CAN’T THEY SHUT UP?

Now even more loud voices. Busy talking. 

DEAR LORD, SHUT UP.

Blankness.

——

"B-but I caaAaann’t act!“ The man slurred totally drunk.

"NORMAN all these people are here to see you, this is your stage!“

The drunk man looked around. A birthday cake. Californian snobs. 

——

"MR. REEDUS?“ 

Oh God, not them again. He wanted to sleep.

——-

"Let’s call him Mingus. He is a Mingus.“

A man holding a baby in his arm, crying tears of joy.

—-

"MR. REEDUS CAN YOU HEAR ME? IF YES, MOVE YOUR RIGHT LITTLE FINGER!“

The hell he would do.

——

"DAMN, REM was so good! I can’t believe we were in the front, so we-"

A loud crash.

Pain.

—-

"MR. REEDUS, WE WILL NOW HAVE TO CHECK YOUR BODY. I AM DR. WILLIAMSON. IF YOU CAN HEAR ME, PLEASE-"

—-

A blistering hot Georgia day. 

Sweat.

That actor from England.

That smile, when he threw the squirrels. 

That motherf* smile.

——

"Norman? Norman?“

A quite male voice. A sob. A rush.

Darkness.

"Norman are you awake? Can you hear me?“

A hand, which found his. A gentle stroke.

Norman tried to open his eyes. Slowly.

Pain.

He groaned.

"Norman oh my God, you are conscious, Norman! I have to call a nurse, no, a doctor!“

He recognized the voice. 

Andy.

The door opened, he heard Andy walk away, shouting in the floors.

After a few second, it seemed like many people entered the room.

"Mr. Reedus, can you hear me?“

Norman tried to open his eyes. 

Again, the light felt like a million knives in his eyes, but not as bad as before. He succeeded to keep his eyes half-way open. 

A man. Andy.

A woman, who was walking around, checking the machines. 

Another woman was standing right next to his bed:

"I am Dr. Williamson and you are in West Central Georgia Hospital. You have had an accident. We already made tests, gladly you have no internal bleedings but we believe you have a concussion. Can you remember anything? Can you speak?“

Norman groaned again. He could not make any other sounds. It was too exhausting.

"It’s okay Mr. Reedus. We will take care of you. Rest now.“

Andy was taking his hand again. "Norman, it’s me, Andy. Everything is fine, you hear me? Everything is fine.“

'I have never heard him that worried before.' Norman thought, before he passed out.


	30. Get well soon

When Norman packed his bag, he was more than happy.

Finally, he could move around again without pain, after 2 long weeks.

Finally, he could leave his prison of medicine, daily check ups and bad hospital food.

Finally: Freedom.

He closed the zipper of the huge gym bag and grabbed his cap. 

"Off to the world.“ he thought, while leaving the hospital in a cab, not looking back.

——

When he entered the door to his house, he realized the green balloons in an instant.

"Get well soon!“ was written in white font on it. 

Norman put down his bag and went to one of the baloons, which had a card taped to it.

"Hey Norman, me and Mingus wish you all the best, We know you said you wanted to be alone after we visited you a hundred times in the hospital, so we did not come to welcome you here. I tried to cook your favorite Chinese food (Hu helped me so bless her) and put it in the fridge. We also left you fresh fruit and tons of juice. All your clothes are washed, you can thank me later. Please don’t start working to soon and make sure to call us at least tomorrow. Love, Helena & Mingus“

In another handwriting there was a note by Mingus: 

“PS: Hey Dad, I hope all of these balloons will simply just run out of air and not explode at some time. If they do, take it as a reintegration in our loud, busy world.“

"That kid!“ Norman said out loud and smiled.

He went to the kitchen, where tons of flowers and cards were stapled on the table. 

It looked beautiful and he was thankful. But he was not ready to read them all by now. Reading made him still feel dizzy.

He went to the fridge, opened it, grabbed the dish and heated it up in the microwave. After he had eaten between all the presents, he realized one card on the table.

It stood out.

It was a card with a handwritten „Norm“ on it.

Andy’s handwriting.

He hadn’t seen the British actor since he felt better. Nurses told him, that Andy was there the whole time in the first days, sleeping in the chair next to his bed in the nights, but mostly being awake. 

Then Helena and Mingus came and he left. 

„Mr. Reedus, we are no zoo. You have to rest, that’s why we told Mr. Lincoln to go. 3 people are too many in this room.“ one nurse explained to him.

Norman grabbed the card, his heart beat suddenly went faster. He was able to remember everything that happened. Andy’s outburst. Him leaving. The lake. 

"Mr. Lincoln saved you.“ the old nurse had said. She told him what she heard about the police investigation. Cause of course, there was one. „They thought it was a fight between you two and I sure think they will come and ask you about it.“ 

"Police?“ Norman was shocked. 

"Yeah, or maybe you attempted suicide. You are a Hollywood star they told me. What do I know?“

Norman wanted to call Andrew and asked him about it. But he did not have the courage to do it.

What would his friend write him after all of this?

He opened the card.

"Dear Norman, Please open the door. Andy.“

"What the f-?“ Norman walked to the entry and opened the door.

"Hey Norm.“

Andrew Lincoln stood right in front of him.


	31. One last favor

"Andy…I…..you…“ Norman was confused.

"Norman….“ Andy paused.

They both went silent and looked each other in the eyes.

Norman saw Andrew’s regret, his worry.

"Do you want to come in?“ Norman asked.

"Yeah…I mean…if it is okay…I know you just came from the hospital…they told me that…so…yeah…yeah I come in.“ Andrew stuttered.

They walked in, through the kitchen - Norman grabbing 2 cans of soda - and outside into the garden, where they both sat down in the grass, next to the pool.

It was a warm afternoon, both started to drink immediately and looking towards the water.

After a while Andrew started: "How are you?“

His voice sounded very weak, as if it would break.

"I am fine.“ Norman stated, by trying to use a deep, calm voice.

"That is great to hear“ Andrew answered in a warm, but nervous tone.

They both sipped on their sodas again, trying to look busy.

After a while, Norman started to displant clump of grass and weaved them into something, he didn’t know what and what for.

Andrew studied the ingredients of the drink, that were written on the beverage can, as if the writing were some kind of important Da Vinci Code. From time to time he went through his hair and fixed his shirt. He was obviously nervous.

Norman tried to distract himself and weaved what he would call an "ant mini grass carpet“ He smiled.

Andrew looked at him and said:“What is so funny?“

"I just imagine some Aladdin ant riding on this thing.“

Andrew broke out in laughter. "Oh Norman!“ and he smiled at him in relief.

Norman smiled back. 

”YOU DON’T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT KEEPING A FAMILY TOGETHER"

"ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIPS GET BROKEN. AND YOU DON’T FUCKING CARE.”

Andy's words echoed inside Norman. His did not smile anymore.

Suddenly Andrew looked sad as well.

"Norman listen….I am so sorry for what happened. For how I treated you. I was the worst. I can totally understand, if you … don’t want us to be friends anymore. I never wanted this to happen, this accident. Was it an accident? Please tell me?“ He looked worried, again.

Norman sighed and acted cool:“Yeah of course, you son of a bitch! That damn stream I tell you. I just wanted to swim.“

Andrew studied him in his movement and facial expression. Slowly he answered:

"Norman, I know I must have hurt you. Very deeply. … I just want to know if there is anything else that…gives you…thoughts to…“, he stopped and ran his fingers through his hair, then whispered: "hurt yourself.“

WAIT, NOW HE ACTS LIKE I AM A PSYCHOPATH?

Norman stood up very fast and angrily. Immediately he felt dizzy and his head hurt. He groaned.

Andrew stood up as well:“Norman, is everything okay? I did not want to upset you. Oh God, you have to rest. You have to go to bed instead of sitting here with me. This was so egoistic of me“ He fought with himself over tears "Come on buddy, let’s walk in.“ He touched Norman’s shoulders.

Norman stepped back. He knew Andrew was suffering of guilt feelings. But he did not want to brush that incident off that easily.

"No. I don’t want to rest. I….. I have gone through a lot in the last weeks.“

The men were standing close to each other. Andrew looked down, he softly said:“I know and I am so, so sorry.“

"What do YOU know about it?“ This time Norman was the one who got angry. 

Everything in his life went in the wrong direction and suddenly it was clear: It was all because of Andrew!

Andrew, who needed support. Andrew who needed a buddy, to feel good. A therapist, for when he and Gael would argue and a bromance partner, for when he wanted to yeah…feel loved. Feel desired. Feel good.

Norman, who would give everything to make his best friend feel better. Who would sacrifice his own hurt feelings, only to keep this man happy.

He had enough of this!

Enough of cuddling at Comic Cons when it was just to entertain people!

Enough of hearing „I love you“ when it was „just for the joke“!

Enough of being the funny, dumb best friend who was the fifth wheel soon after the shooting of TWD ended!

Enough of doing photoshoots, where they grabbed butts „Just for the photo“!

Enough of red carpets, where he would be called „a lover boy“ because it would be „so funny“!

Nothing about this was funny anymore!

It was pain. Cruel pain. 

No, Andy was not responsible for not having special feelings towards him. But he must have known deep inside, that Norman ….

that he…

That he wanted to be closer. All the time.

He must had felt it.

So why did he not leave him alone in his pain? Why continue with this ongoing screenplay of „we’re totally ok“ thing?

Norman felt his fists clench and he did not know why. Everything in his body was tensed. At the same time he felt his heart beat in his head. He was not sure, if the throb was a good sign. Then the pain came and he sank to his knees.

Andrew, who have watched him the whole time with unsteady looks, shouted „NORMAN!“, catched him and saved him from falling down to the ground.

"Norman, should I call the ambulance? Oh God you are shaky, I apologize for making you feel this way“ he groaned in sadness and Norman saw that his eyes were wet. 

"No…I…I need to be alone.“ Norman murmered, while Andrew put him back to his knees.

"Yes, of course…But let me bring you in.“

Norman said nothing and let Andrew guide and him inside, support him upstairs into Norman’s bedroom.

He almost collapsed on it, feeling completely weak.

'This whole thing has to stop, right now.‘ Norman thought.

Andrew took of Norman’s shoes and socks. Then he hesitated.

"It’s okay, I undress on my own.“ Norman murmered.

Andrew sighed and covered him with the blanket.

Norman’s eyes were closed, but he heard the sobby voice of Andrew. His British accent."I apologize for all I have done. I will never let this happen again.“

Norman said nothing. 

Andrew just stood in the doorframe. After a while, he whispered:„I think it’s better if we…if we take a break from-….I mean if we will not see each oth-….I mean I caused so much trouble and you have to rest.“

Norman suddenly felt anger, again. Andrew was trying to end all this? HE ending it??? The hell what was he thinking???

The rage caused him to open his eyes and directly look at the British actor.

"Andy?“ he said. „Can you do me a last favor before you go?“

"Everything Norman, everything!“ Andrew rushed to Norman’s bed, inches away from touching him.

Norman looked him in the eye. A snake ready to bite his victim. 

'Is this the pills?“ Norman asked himself but then brushed that thought away. 

Andrew had done HIM wrong. More than wrong. He used him.

In a very soft tone he asked: „Would you call my best friend?“

Andrew looked confused.

"What do you mean with that? I mean…I thought we…were…?“ he looked so perplex, like a victim in rigidity. 

'Attack‘ Norman thought.

"Tell him I need him. Tell him I need someone who really cares for me. Someone I can rely on.“

And by saying the last words, Norman saw something break inside Andrew:

“Please call Jeffrey.“


	32. I love Vegas

"Fuckity Fuck, If we continue in this speed, we will not only have driven from Atlanta to Vegas, but all over the globe, bubba!“ Jeffrey Dean Morgan pulled his helmet off and clapped Norman on his back with a laughter.

Norman laughed as well:“Who thought your big old ass could make it longer on this bike than one day?“

This motorcycle trip was the best thing happened for months. Being away from all the stress, the depression, the lonely home…

Jeffrey was the perfect buddy, to forget all of that and just ride along. Both men shared their love for bikes, the drive for freedom. 

They never fought, they even shared a bedroom.

"If you’ll touch my butt, make sure to be ready for Negan’s revenge.“ Jeffrey always said before they went to bed.

Norman did not know why he said that. 

After all, they were both married (or have been married) to a woman. 

He assumed, that Jeffrey himself wanted to draw the lines openly. Maybe he knew, that in Hollywood everything was different. Or maybe, he really thought, that Norman was gay.

'Gay? Me? No.‘ Norman thought. "The feelings had overcome me, I was simply lonely and wanted attention from Andrew. I might be possesive, but not gay.’

'Then why do you google him so often? Why do you imagine him next to you? Why do you wish, that Gael and him would really break up? Why did you-...‚

Norman pushed the thought to the back of his mind. 

‘Nonsense. Nothing is better than this right now. Riding and enjoying life. Drinking. Eating. Repeat. With my new best friend.’

One week went by, then another. When they reached Vegas, Norman was not happy anymore. This was the end of their trip. Jeffrey would fly back to his family, Norman would fly back to his home. Or that’s what he told his friend. But there was nothing he wanted less than that. 

In the last night, where they had a huge party with people they knew from Vegas, in the hotel room of a friend, Norman almost drank himself into oblivion. 

He woke up to a scenery that came close to a „Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas“ scene. Fortunately, Jeffrey and him had only invited friends and not people who would misuse the situation. Nevertheless, people were lying all over the place. Some were only in underwear.

Norman was still dressed, so was Jeffrey, who slept on a huge coach at the other side of the room, hugging a „I love Vegas“ pillow.

After some attempts to stand up and not to throw up because of the amount of alcohol in his body, Norman finally made his way through the room towards the door. 

Pizza leftovers on the floor, people with champagne bottles half empty laying next to them. Norman peeked into the bathroom, it was half flooded. "Oh Gosh“ he said, rubbing his forehead. He felt sick. He did not remember half of the evening. He knew, that it was a wild one. But details?

"Normaaan!“ He heard Jeffrey’s weak voice behind him, „Norman you fucker. Help me up.“


	33. Sweet misery

They both needed a while to recover. 

After Norman slept the whole day, showered afterwards and put on clean clothes, he felt better. 

He visited Jeffrey and they both ordered light soup from the room service. They were still not able to eat anything else or to go outside. But it was okay to have a lazy day, Jeffrey’s flight was not until tomorrow. 

Jeffrey zipped through the TV channels, stopping here and there, when something entertaining was on. Norman sat on a purple coach in questionably taste, reading a geographic magazine. 

"We need to bike in Asia, dude.“ Norman said while flipping through the pages.

"Are you sure you want to do that with me Norm?“ Jeffrey asked in a joyful tone.

"What do you mean?“ Norman looked up.

"Just sayin’“ Jeffrey said with a smile and changed the channel to MTV, where they showed an old 90s rock music video.

"Seriously dude, what do you mean?“ Norman kept looking at Jeffrey.

The actor turned to him. "So you don’t remember it, right?“

WHAT HAVE I DONE? Norman thought in panic.

"Your silence means no…. Listen, I don't remember everything myself - that was hell of a night. But I sure do know that you talked a lot about our buddy.“

Norman went pale.

"What’s wrong? You look like you’ve seen a ghost, dude!“

"What have I exactly…“ Norman paused. He was too afraid to finish his sentence.

Jeffrey looked at him with interest and amusement and said:“

"Well, I remember you saying, what a fucking dick Andy is, like - here he imitated Norman's annoyed voice - „He is never there when I need him“, „He uses me“ and so on. Followed by a „I wish I could see him right now.“ Altogether, it was like we had our prom and your date did not show up so we spent the whole night in the toilet of our school, you crying and me trying to tell you, how much that quarterback Andy still loves you.“

Norman was used to play down his emotions, so he reacted quickly:

“Oh yeah and I hope after that we discovered, that we can live without the attention of boys like him, that we are ready for the world and go to every college we like and change the world. And I hope that in this night we discovered, that we are both good kissers as well.“

Jeffrey started to laugh "Okay, if you can joke like this, I see that you don’t feel down in any way."

He changed channels and let the topic drop. 

Norman sighed in relief and acted, like he would study the magazine, again.

But in reality, he just starred at the letters as if they were not there.

Cause now, he remembered. 

He remembered the pain he felt, when someone asked him about Andy. 

„Where is he? I thought you guys spend all the time together?“. 

The pain, when he saw couples holding hands, like their romance could go beyond every party. When he saw them kissing, laughing together. 

Two of his friends, Paul and Trevor, were there as well. A homosexual couple, openly gay. 

'It's funny,' Norman thought while drinking his fifth beer, 'when you think about that this could be any of us…Paul and Jeffrey….Paul and me….Jeffrey and me….' here he smiled to himself, 'or…Andy and me.“ 

Had he felt a playful emotion before, he then was suddenly sad and happy and the same time. It was not the first time, he imagined him and Andrew holding hands. 

They also did it before, in reality. It was no big deal. 

But in his imagination, they were holding hands also when they were alone.

Just….just because.

For no real reason.

"Because it feels good.“ Norman thought.

"Why can’t we do it? I mean, we are friends and female friends can do it as well. So why not we?“

It made him angry but deep inside he knew, that it made him more angry, that neither Andy or him, would do that in his trailer, when no one would watch and no one would judge. They still wouldn't do it. 

Maybe Norman would do it, but then Andy would say „Jesus Christ, Norman!“ and brush it off.

Then he would be distant for a while. 

Norman had experienced that many times, when he crossed a line, that should not be crossed between two male friends. Like leaning his head against Andys shoulder. Or saying „I love you“. 

'Men do not do such things, if they are only friends.‘ 

Andrew did never say that, but he had that look in his eyes, that Norman could interpret.

But after a while, Andy started to do it as well. Suddenly, HE leant against Norman’s shoulder in the car on the way home. Suddenly HE said „Love you“ a million times. 

But always around people.

All these thoughts were running through Norman’s head, when he drank drink after drink that night, watching Paul and Trevor interact. 

It hurt him, it made him angry. It made him weak.

„Norman?“

„Hm? Yeah?“ Norman loked up.

„I asked you if you want another soup. I’m starting to get hungry again.“

„Oh yeah, of course, same as before.“

Norman tried to focus on the magazine. 

'Andrew should not matter here‘. Norman thought. He had only one evening left with Jeffrey. 'And when I come home, I will not google him. I will not inform myself, on what he has done the last months. I will be so emotionally unavailable to him, like I promised myself over and over. But this time, for real.“

Jeffrey switched back to MTV "Oh, look, they’re playing Aerosmith!“

Norman looked up. 'No, please no. Not now.‘ he thought. 

But Steven Tyler did not hear him. He continued singing:

I was cryin' when I met you  
Now I'm tryin' to forget you  
Love is sweet misery…


	34. Separate ways

"Mr. Barnes, your pizza.“ 

"It’s okay. Just put it down at the gate, the money is in the envelope right next to you.“

Both voices came out of an intercom.

"Sir?“

"Next to you, the envelope in the letter box…see it? 12 £ right? I also put in the tip.“

"Ah..I see it. Cheers, Sir. “

The boy took down the pizza box, grabbed his money, went into his car and drove off into the night.

A few seconds after that, a man appeared at the gate. He wore a baseball cap and a long coat. He grabbed the box and almost ran back inside.

"Bloody hell“ Andrew gasped, while he took of his coat and cap, "I need to exercise more“.

He went into the kitchen, but not to take cutlery, but a bottle of red wine.

"What a great dinner“ Andrew said sarcastically, his smile as quickly gone as it had appeared.

He went into the living room, where he sat down on an old green couch. 

Around him were other pizza boxes, aluminium packacking with spoiled food and Chinese letters on it, a huge pile of laundry and bottles over bottles of Carling beer.

Andrew opened the box. The pizza was already cut, so he did not hesitate to start eating. 

‚Ta Daniel Barnes!’ he thought thankfully, while enjoying his meal. ‚Ta for letting me use your vacation apartment.“

Daniel, his old friend from Bath, was not even shocked, when Andrew had called him. 

"Take your time,... I sense there is something wrong between you and Gael... but I know you don’t want to talk about it, do you?“ 

"It’s all gone pear-shaped. No talking, mate.“ Andrew just said. 

Because of his job, Daniel would be away for 2 months, so Andrew was completely on his own.

First he liked the idea. 

Then, after one month, he found it very lonesome. 

The nature, that gave him a feeling of home and calming down, suddenly felt not joyful anymore. 

He turned melancholic, walking through the forrests, where, because of the rainy weather and wind, he extremely rarely met people.

He had missed England, he grew up here. But it was not the same, without his family.

Gael and him had decided to break up. There were a lot of tears. A lot of questions left. A lot of guilt. He missed his children so much, that sometimes he thought, he would go crazy. 

"It is better for us both, if we take this break and then after a few weeks, you can visit us again. But I need the distance between us. I need time to accept it“ Gael said quietly.

"Gael“ Andrew said softly, "You decided that you want the divorce, not me. I think we can work it out.“

"Maybe I decided to make the final step. But YOU choose to distance yourself before I did. YOU choose to go separate ways!“ Gael said with a bit of anger in her voice.

There was a lot of fighting, before they really sat down and talked openly. 

"You were the one who-" Andrew stopped. He knew, that it was not the time anymore, to address reproaches. 

Instead, he continued: „Listen, I will call Daniel, I know he is away for some time. I can live there. If you are ready, then I can visit the kids, take them with me for the weekend.“

"Yes.“ Gael just said. "I will contact you.“

"Please don’t let me and the kids wait too long, I need them. They need me.“ Andrew begged.

"Don't turn this situation around. You are not the victim here." Gael said angrily. Then she looked at Andrew and added with a weak voice: "I promise.“ 

After that, Andrew had packed most of his clothes in a suitcase, his laptop and a few personal items, and left.

It was one of the worst nights of his life. 

He felt like the worst father in the world. 

Andrew's pizza got cold, since he stopped eating, but he did not care. Near him lay a picture in a frame that he reached for now. 

He pressed the picture of Matilda and Arthur against his chest, that he had taken with him. Gael had not called him over weeks. What were the kids thinking? Were they missing him? Did they hate him now? 

"I love you so much“ he whispered, while the tears kept dropping on the glass frame.


	35. Mirror

Evenings like that were typical in the first two weeks. 

Then Andrew started to go outside to rediscover the city, he was raised. 

Of course, people knew exactly how he looked so he had to be careful. That’s why he let most of the groceries deliver to Daniel’s house and went for a walk only in the nighttime or when the weather was horrible. 

He chose to do that, because he did not want Paparazzos at his or even worse, Gael’s house, again. 

The consequences were, that he soon felt like a lunatic. He more and more felt the urge to just fly to the States.

Just to be in his second home. And do…stuff and thangs.

But what explanation could he offer the press? 

"How is your family?", they would ask. "Why are you here? Is everything okay? Is there a drama going on?" 

It would hurt even more.

Through all this pain, Andrew almost forgot Norman. Almost.

First he was too distracted with the drama going on in his own family. 

Then, when he had enough time for himself, he did not want to remember the fact, that he was a complete failure of a friend.

So he kept drinking.

„I am Andrew Lincoln, I do not booze! I live healthy!“ he told himself over and over. But the pain won and so he ended up every night with a beer can in his hand or like today, a bottle of wine. 

He put down the frame and wept away his tears. With a loud sigh he stood up, went into the kitchen and opened a desk.

He was already a bit drunk from a few beer he drank that afternoon so he struggled with opening the wine bottle with the opener. When he finally made it, he spilled the liquid all over his white shirt. 

"Bloody hell!“ He looked down angrily. "But who cares?“ he said right after in a forced happy tone. 

He poured out the wine in a glass, drank it down easily, refilled the glass and drank that even faster. "Now back to my lovely pizza." he thought, refilled another glass and made his way back.

He tried not to look in the mirror, which was placed in the floor connecting living room and kitchen. But but from time to time, he forced himself to do it - today as well. To see the wrack of a man. Under his eyes were big shadows, his beard was fully grown and dishevelled. Even more than when they shot the scenes in the prison in season 4.

„Look at yourself you bastard.“ He laughed out loud, but it was a desperate laugh. Then he raised his glass toward his reflection and acted, like he was in a Hamlet play, emphasized every word with big gestures, talking in his British accent:

"O God, God,  
How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable  
Seem to me all the uses of this world!“

Then he went silent and stepped closer to the mirror, as close as he could get. He turned his head to the side and let his cheek touch the glass. He closed his eyes.

Immediately he thought: "If Norman would be here, he would take a photo of this. Like every time.“ 

Norman took so many pictures of him, that every new season they went back for shooting TWD, Norman had to take off the old ones he had taken and placed next to his mirror.

“I need a bigger van!“ He always would say, slightly annoyed that he could not plaster the walls with pictures of Andrew. 

"Norman, my wife is getting concerned.“ 

That’s what Andrew said in Norman’s trailer, after they filmed a scene together in season 3. Norman had been putting up a lot of pics of the WD crew, but mostly they showed Andrew.

"Oh yeah?“ Norman asked in a neutral tone, Andrew could not interprete.

"Yeah.“ Andrew just said, watching him arranging the pictures on the wall.

And that was that.

The sentence stayed in Andrew’s mind, like it was an undiscussed topic. He used it a lot in interviews, because it made people laugh. It made himself laugh. But it left him puzzled as well.

BEEP BEEP.

The SMS sound of his phone in the living room made him open his eyes and shuffling back to the coach. He sat down, put the glass on the table, grabbed the old Nokia phone and opened the message: 

"ANDY, I know u want 2 be lone. But do not forget to pack for tomorrow. Cheers, Rory."

Andrew stepped away from the mirror and looked confused.

"Tomorrow? What is tomorrow?“ he asked himself like someone, who knows, that he has definite no plans on his agenda. What did Rory, his manager, mean?

"Pack? What for?...."

He checked the date on his phone.

"FUCK!" Andrew shouted and put the palm of his hand on his forehead.

The scales fell from his eyes. "The Euro Tour! Portugal!" 

He had hide himself here for so long, in this shell of desperation, loneliness and solitude, that he completely forgot time.

In a rush he stood up but because of his condition felt so shaky and drunk, that he sat down again. He drank another glass of wine.

Norman.

He would see Norman.

He would hear his voice.

See his smile. 

Norman.

For the first time for a long time, Andrew felt something. Excitement. Joy. 

But after a few seconds, it turned to sorrow. 

Would Norman talk to him after all?

What would it do to their friendship? 

Was there a friendship left, after months of no speaking?

Andrew looked around, like the answer would lay buried under these piles of trash.

He looked down on himself. 

Spots on his shirt. 

Suddenly he smelled, that he had not showered since 3 days.

Then the alcohol kicked completely in. 

Andrew felt dizzy, but he embraced it.

"Just one more glass and I'll be fine" he thought, "Just one more."


	36. I am Negan

"DARYL! DARYL! DARYL!“

Thousands of fans were standing in front of a huge hall, where the WD tour took place. The crowd was shouting the name of the character, that should be forever personified in Norman Reedus. 

Norman stepped on the red carpet, let the paparazzi do their pictures and then walked to the first row, to talk to the fans. 

He tried to be nice and right there in the moment, but he was super nervous inside. 

He had a plan. A good plan. But then everything turned out differently...

\--

Norman had stuck to Jeffreys like glue for the last few days. They even came with the same airplane, including Nic and the rest of the crew. Only Andrew was missing. “He had to take a later plane“ someone told him. Norman sighed with relief. He was in a happy mood and did not need a downer right now. He did not need a conversation about the ups and downs of a marriage that was not his own. He just wanted to go to Lissabon, meet fans and have a good time with his REAL friends. 

They arrived early in the morning, 1 day before the event, so it was plenty of time to rest and even do sightseeing for a while in the afternoon. For dinner, Norman and Jeffrey chose a traditional small restaurant, a tipp from friends, where the waiters and stuff kept quiet about them being there, being professional. 

Norman and Jeffrey hadn’t seen each other since their bike trip, so even here in the more quiet place, they were chatting about anything and everything, making fun of each other and ordering dishes for the other person that they couldn’t pronounce. When they returned to their hotel - completely satisfied after the delicious food - they were still laughing about Norman’s fail of eating lobsters properly. 

"And when his lil’ tail landed in the wine glass of this hot top model…“ Jeffrey gasped for air because he was laughing so much -

"Told ya I was making a move!“ Norman jokingly justified, while wiping away a tear from his eye. 

He smiled all over and looked at Jeffrey, who was smiling back.

'I love this dude’ Norman thought. ‚He is so funny! And his face…he is so good looking, you want to look at him the whole time…..“ Norman felt a strange feeling and pushed it back like he had to convince himself „….even I am of course not gay!“ 

They took the elevator to the top floor, where they earlier were given rooms. Even in the elevator they made jokes like small school kids, pushing all the buttons at once. 

When they finally arrived and the doors opened, they were fully blending out what was going on around them, only looking at each other. Norman even walked backwards to imitate a moonwalk.

That’s how Norman bumped into a man who almost fell down.

"Ooooh, heyyy, sorry dude I did not-“ Norman said while wanting to help up the person, but then stopped talking.

He had bumped into Andrew Lincoln.

"Hey….Norm.“ Andrew stood up and brushed off the dust on his pants, then he smiled at Norman. It was a small smile, but it was there. Like he did not want to do or say anything wrong. 

Andrew Lincoln. Here he was. 

Norman felt such a shock, such an excitement at the same time, then feelings of anger, guilt, then again joy. It all was a rollercoaster of feelings happening in one second.

"Andy!“ Jeffrey hugged his colleague. "Is everything okay? We were a bit …wild over here.“

Andy replied in a joyful tone "No of course not! You motherfuckers, I will sue you both for ruining my clothes!“

Norman stood there being unable to move or to say anything. Cause all he thought was

ANDREW.

All over his mind.

Andrew, who looked so good in his grey jeans and plain maroon t-shirt.

But at the same time, Norman saw, that Andrew looked horrible. Like he aged 10 years overnight.

'What has happened?' Norman asked himself.

"Norman, you look like you’ve seen a ghost, it’s Andy man, why don’t you hug him like the last episodes? I’m gonna go, so you can both start to cry now!“ Jeffrey said, still making jokes.

Norman cleared his throat, "Hey Andy.“ and hugged him in a rush. 

Like you would hug someone on the street, that you haven’t seen since high school but also don’t want to ask anything further than „How is it going? What do you do now for a living? See you somewhere around, Take care“

A clap on the shoulder.

He felt that Andrew did the opposite. He used both of his arms and hands, a stronger hug. Norman released himself too early out of it, than he was used to. 

Andrew looked sad after it, but tried to keep up the smile on his face :“How are you, gentleman? “ 

God, how he loved his British. When Andrew wasn’t aware of it, when he was away for a while from the States and came back and was so pure, so out of slurs like Norman and Jeffrey talked all the time - when Andrew was so polite, it made him super attractive. 

"You mates look like you’ve had a brilliant day.“ Andrew kept going. 

Norman said nothing, he looked at Andrew in awe.

Jeffrey put his arm around Norman’s shoulder, slightly annoyed. "You bet Andy, you bet.“

A silence occurred.

Norman got the feeling, that he had experienced this moment before…

"Now excuse us, we will go to my room…..and….this dude here“, Jeffrey pointed at Norman’s head, while still hugging him, „will continue making me very happy.“ He smiled.

NEGAN! Norman thought.

THIS WHOLE SCENE IS US BEING NEGAN, RICK AND DARYL.

It sounded so wrong, it sounded like a funny joke they used to make on set, but it felt so real, so intense, so full of emotion.

It was a play of power, jealousy and oppressed feelings.

They all loved each other - in one way or another. They were friends. But right in this moment, Negan was all over the place. So were Rick and Daryl.

It was an unspoken story of two friends being separated. 

Of filming scenes for 6 seasons together and then suddenly everything changing.

It was not Jeffrey's fault. It was not even a fault. But it was a fact.

They had parted Rick and Daryl. 

And the lonely days and nights in Norman’s trailer, began.

There were always people around, sure. But it was not the same.

When he had to shoot a scene, Rick had a break. And the other way around. 

They were filming at different locations, with different people. 

All because Negan and the Saviors entered the game.

Norman could not protest, because he loved Jeffrey and he loved to film with him. To hang out with him. Like today. 

But when the 3 men were in the room, it always felt like Norman was caught in the middle.

"You can join us...if you like to" Jeffrey said to Andrew with the sweetest but warning voice.

Norman knew this tone. He knew, what Jeffrey wanted to say here, what was lying underneath it:

\- "I want you to think about what could of happened. Think about what happened. And think about what can *still* happen." -

There was again, a moment of silence. Andrew and Jeffrey looked at each other like they would immediately start a fight.

Andrew's face was tensed - but then he looked down defeated. "I have...stuff to do."

"Oh, then I guess, we will see each tomorrow,...sleep well!“ Jeffrey replied politely and with a big grin on his face.

Andrew walked by them and entered the elevator.

Norman did not look back, he only heard the doors closing slowly.


	37. Lover boy

"You know that you don’t have to come with me to my room, right?“ Jeffrey said in a serious tone. "You look worried Norm.“

Suddenly, they were Jeffrey Dean Morgan and Norman Reedus again.

Norman tried to light up "Oh dude come on! I know you want me! But not today, I feel a bit tired and I have some phone calls to make.“ 

"Alright buddy, then I’ll pick you up for breakfast tomorrow?“ Jeffrey asked.

"Sure, don’t forget the flowers“ Norman joked.

Both men parted and Norman went to his room at the end of the floor.

When he opened the door with his room key, he hands were trembling.

'Goddamnit!“ Norman shouted to himself, 'What are you? A man or a pussy?' He hated to talk to himself like that. It was the voice of his own father, that echoed through his mind.

He stepped in, closed the door behind him and went to the huge, antique looking, wooden bed and sat down.

Andrew. 

Again, Norman was confused about his own emotions.

The man made him happy and sad and angry and …

He looked so good?

But he also looked so bad. 

Was he feeling down? What had happened? 

DIVORCE?

Did he really do it? Or was it because of Norman being independent now, being not so all over him, like before?

'Norman you are such an idiot. Why should another person look that bad because of you? It must surely be about his family. Or Gael. I hope everything is okay. I really want to talk to him.'

Norman felt the urge to straightly knock on Andrew’s door.

'Calm down idiot', he told himself, 'Whatever it is, it is not your business anymore. It never was. Focus.“ 

He tried to think happy thoughts.

Lissabon. The beautiful city. The fans. The day with Jeffrey. Seeing all the other persons from the crew. 

'You have a great life, Norman Reedus“ he tried to convince himself.

It did not work out.

He thought about how Andy felt, if he was alright. 

'He looked like he had boozed for months.' Norman thought in worry.

He suddenly felt sick and laid down in the bed. He looked at the ceiling. It was yellow and decorated with ornaments.

‚Andy would have known which time this was originally from' Norman believed.

'What if they really did divorce and now he needs a friend? Who can be there for him?‘

He studied the ceiling, again.

'Typically, after a break up, you suffer a lot. And then….“

Somehow Norman felt the need to vomit.

'- you search for another woman, to make you happy. Then you find her. Then you will be happy, again. Having eyes only for her. 

That’s life. That’s what they tell you in all these movies. 

The hell, even WE tell this story. 

EVEN IN THE ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE! 

Rick and Michonne. 

Who will be the next Gael, who will be the Michonne in real life, who will bring him joy again, make him forget all his friends, make him laugh, make him feel that he matters?’

Lover boy, that’s what he had called him once. That's where HE felt, that he mattered.

Lover boy.

'It is funny,“ Norman thought, „I would not have a problem with him calling me that the rest of our lives. It sounds flattering, I don’t know why but it does. It sounds lovely, although there is a sad interpretation behind it.'

Norman closed his eyes.

Lover boy.

He smiled, it felt good to remember that day.

"WHAT ARE YOU? A MAN OR A PUSSY“ his father’s voice pressed back in his mind.

Norman quickly opened his eyes.

But on the ceiling, on the walls, everywhere he looked, he saw the word “lover boy“ written with beautiful paraphs at the end of each letter.

He closed his eyes again.

Andy in a black suit with a white shirt. One button open. Giving an interview.

Norman giving a kiss on the cheek.

"Hello lover boy“.

Like nothing happened. 

Like it was the most common thing in the world.

Lover boy.


	38. Forgotten

Andrew stepped out of the elevator in a rush, his face was full of anger.

When he entered his room, he shut the door with a loud noise.

Then he immediately took a chair and dashed it against the wall with full force. 

Andrew got even angrier, since it did not break, like in all the movies. It just made a TOK.

He felt pure frustration and kicked the chair around the room. 

'OUCH!‘ he hurt his feet.

‘CAN YOU DO ONE THING RIGHT ANDREW LINCOLN? ONLY ONE?’ Andrew felt the need to push himself because he felt like a looser.

At the same time, he felt such an anger towards Jeffrey.

WHAT WAS HE THINKING? HOW DARE HE…

Andrew sat down on his bed to calm down and take off his shoe.

He observed his foot and touched his toe.

'OUCH!‘ it felt not broken but still injured.

He tucked some pillows together, put it under his foot and laid down.

He starred at the ceiling, which looked very interesting and beautiful with some ornaments in every corner.

‘Norman would have taken pictures right now“ Andrew thought, ’He takes pictures of every little detail. He observes the world more consciousness than we do …’

What would Andrew do, to get back the old times. Where everything was so easy, so relaxed and playful between the two. 

Where there were only them, sitting in his trailer and watching old movies, after a long day of filming. 

Often they were both tired but still pumped from the emotional or action scenes. So they needed something to calm down. 

Then Norman would put the TV on and they would watch whatever was on. More then once Andrew fell asleep in the comfortable chair Norman had put there. Andrew never seen Norman sitting there himself, it was like he extra bought it for him. His friend would watch from his back, on the bed. 

"This is strange, I cannot see you“ Andrew protested.

"So you want to watch the movie or my face?“ Norman asked.

It was weird, cause in moments like this, Norman acted never that 'romantically‘ like in the interviews. 

Only one time....when they came home after the „You’re my brother“ scene, Norman grabbed a camp chair and placed it right next to Andrew.

Andrew smiled and said "So now I have the honour?“

Norman said in a serious tone, like it came from the deepest depth of his heart: 

"I want to sit next to you.“

Andrew felt his heart skipped a beat and he did not know why.

He said nothing and so they sat there, watching an old black and white movie about love.

The memory of it made Andrew feel calmer, he realized, that he had been daydreaming for a while and that his toe did not hurt that much anymore.

But now the frustration and anger turned into sadness.

He really missed his friend, he missed to make jokes with him and to talk. To share memories. To share moments.

Yesterday he was in Bath, drinking like no tomorrow. He almost missed his flight. 

'What about a drink, now?‘ he asked himself, ready to get up.

'NO, you promised yourself to stop!’ he told himself, ‚If not for you, then for the kids.“

The kids. He missed his kids. And he missed Gael. 

'I could call her. I could talk about everything. Make it work.‘ 

But he knew he couldn’t. He had never come over her betrayal. He tried. 

Gael was human after all, maybe he was the one who made her do it. 

Maybe he should have cared more for her, be there when she needed him with the kids. 

“Or maybe this is just life and people fall in and out of love and no one is to blame.“ 

That’s what Norman would say. Definitely. 

He always knew what to say.

But a few minutes ago, he was very quiet. Distanced.

‘I must find a way back to him. I can’t loose him like that.’ Andrew thought.

Again, he wanted to simply drink his problems away. He thought about opening the mini bar next to his bed. 

‘This won’t help you, it will make everything worse’ Andrew said to himself.

So he turned off the light and tried to sleep.

But of course, he couldn’t.

He imagined Norman sitting next to Jeffrey in their room. Watching an old movie. Laughing. Being friends. Drinking together, eating together. Being happy.

'Maybe I must accept, that they are the new best mates now and forever. They both love the same things, they share their love for bikes so who am I? I must accept, that Jeffrey is way cooler than I am, even I think that. He is funny, he is a grown up man, he is talented, he is caring, so I have to just step back and allow him to take care of Norman as well. Cause Norman needs so much love, so much attention, I can’t be there all the time.‘

Thoughts like these were running through Andrew’s mind. 

But he knew, that it was not only about Norman, it was about himself as well. About his ridiculous jealousy. 

Sometime around 5 am he finally drifted into sleep with a last thought on his mind, the thought that kept him awake the last days, weeks and months:

‚Why had Norman never called him? Why could Norman live without his former best friend so easily?‘

AM I FORGOTTEN?


	39. Perfect Illusion, Perfect Life

Andrew slept till the afternoon, then he slowly tried to get up. 

He felt old. He felt tired. He felt powerless.

After he ordered and ate a late breakfast he somehow managed to shower and dress himself in the fancy suit, he had bought for this occasion. He watched himself in the mirror.

‘At least your clothes look okay and you smell good. Such a pity that your face will be shown and recorded worldwide today at the Con.‘

When he was finished with everything and was standing outside of his room waiting for the elevator, it was evening. 

He was lost in his thoughts so he did not hear the two men approaching.

"ANDY, look at you, such a good looking sport!“ Jeffrey shouted behind him.

Andrew turned around. 

There they were. Jeffrey and Norman. Again, like two best friends. Dressed for a big show, like prom or something, but way cooler. 

Jeffrey smiled and Andrew knew, that he was just joking. 

'Do not interpret everything‘ Andrew told himself, ‘Just go with the flow. These are your friends. Relax’

“At least one person is representing us well in Portugal, dude!“ He replied confidently.

Jeffrey clapped on Andrew’s back and laughed. 

The situation did not feel as tensed as yesterday. More like a normal set day. 

Maybe because they all had work to do now, interviews to give, at the big show. All were focused on the same goal and of course all were excited to meet the fans.

The elevator opened and everyone stepped in. It began to move slowly, it was a very old one.

Although all of them had enough space (there was room for even 4 more people), Jeffrey stood in the middle, between the two other men. His back was turned to Andrew, so he was facing Norman.

Andrew did not know why, but he did not like it.

Jeffrey started to talk to Norman in a low voice, like a whisper. Almost like a seductive whisper. 

Andrew could not understand, what he was talking about, although, he stood so close to them. 

Norman started to laugh. 

'A few inches more and we will have a hot scene going on here‘ Andrew thought to amuse himself but in fact it made him more angry.

"Guys, you want to keep that in your private rooms, don’t you? Outside there are people with phones. Everywhere.“ Andrew said more annoyed than he wanted to sound like.

Jeffrey turned around. He had such a huge appearance effect. His shoulders were massive, toned, his body language dominant. 

"Have we got bitchy-Andy here?“ Jeffrey asked, leaning forward.

Then he made a strange gesture, like he had forgotten something.

"Good that you mention the phone, I almost forgot mine!“ 

He pushed the STOP button in the elevator, so it stopped at the next floor. Only Jeffrey did such things. Then he stepped out:

"I’ll catch you later on the carpet“ He smiled and the doors closed.

Then the elevator began moving downwards, again.

The sudden silence was uncomfortable.

‘How many fucking floors does this building have?’ Andrew thought.

Norman reached for his phone in his pocket and began scrolling.

‘I thought one has poor signals in elevators? Why does he not talk to me?’

Norman kept looking at his phone.

The elevator stopped and opened the doors.

No one entered. 

The silence was awful.

The doors closed again, the elevator started moving.

\----  
Norman’s view:

‘Should I say something? God I am so nervous. Where is my phone, oh good Lord, here it is, thank you! Start scrolling Norman!’

Norman was shaking but he tried to act cool.

‘Andy will never find out, that this is just the old dashboard feed, he does not know anything about phones. So just keep scrolling and it will look natural!’ Norman thought.

‘Why does he not say anything? Everytime he talks to Jeffrey but not to me. I definitely should have called him. Yeah, I wanted to be away from him but now that I see him…he needs me…and maybe I need him too.'

“I think I will buy one.“ Andrew said and broke the silence.

Norman stopped scrolling and looked at him in confusion.

“What?“

"I’ll buy one.“ Andrew pointed towards Norman’s phone.

"Oh….,“ Norman was confused about the topic, but somehow relieved that Andrew started the conversation, „How come?“

"I need to install Tinder.“

Norman gasped for air.

DID THEY REALLY BREAK UP?

He was not able to ask the question, but Andrew saw his surprise and like he could read his mind, he just said:„Yes, man.“

Norman stood there with gaping mouth. 

NO MORE GAEL? 

WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?

Andrew continued: "No one knows it. It’s still fresh. Haven’t seen Matilda and Arthur for 2 months.“

Norman heard, that Andrews voice almost cracked at the end of the sentence. He saw the suffer and desperation in his friend’s eyes. 

SO HE HAVE BEEN ALONE ALL THE TIME!

"I am so….sorry“ Norman whispered.

Suddenly he felt like a big a*hole. 

Andrew had apologized over and over but Norman wanted to keep the drama going. He had even almost ended their friendship, choosing another person over him. 

YOU ARE THE WORST! Norman thought. 

He looked down in shame for a few seconds. Then he looked up again and at Andrew.

NOW HUG HIM, HUG HIM LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW!

He was about to step forward but then-

BING! 

They had arrived at the hotel lobby. The elevator opened and some people turned around in their direction.

"Andy! Norman!“ Nic shouted, "Come have a drink with us, we head to the hall in 10 minutes!“

"Andy? You finally made it! Dude, we have to talk!“ A stuff member was waving at Andrew.

They stepped out and started to mingle with the crew. Both going in separate directions.

Norman felt his heart aching, his body tensed. He felt like a big chance had gone by and - like always - he failed to catch it.

He talked to Lila, the camera assistent, but could not focus. From time to time he stole a glance towards Andrew. 

Sometimes, the man looked at him as well, only for a blink of time, but it was there. 

Two persons at the opposite side of the room. But the gravitation was strong. It was like they were both bound with an invisible string that they could never loose. 

Norman wanted to talk to Andrew so badly, ask him about his family and how he felt about all of this. He wanted to make him laugh, make him happy again, it hurt him so much to see his friend suffer like this. 

Norman loved the crew but right in this moment he wished, they all would disappear. 

Except one person, who meant the world to him. 

But this was reality. This was one of the reasons, why he made wild parties at home, why he drank too much, why he took E on that evening, why he wanted to draw in the lake. 

Because in this world, the only place, they could be alone, was in the Rick and Daryl illusion.

When they were searching for supplies in the woods of Atlanta. Killing walkers. Stealing a truck together. Feeding each other while driving. 

The one place, they could be themselves, was in a script, written by another person. 

And that, was the real drama in Norman’s life.

Something he could never talk about. No one would understand. Only one person would.

Only this British guy at the other side of the hotel lobby, whose body looked so good in this suit, that Norman asked himself how tight the pants were next to Andrew's skin. 

How his friend had dressed himself this evening, standing there with bare chest in front of the mirror. 

He had seen Andrew half naked before and strangely it always made him look away. 

He told himself over and over, that it was because of the jealousy, that he could not look at this trained body without thinking about his own shape and form.

'I cannot look at him, because he is in shape and I am just thin." Norman tried to convince himself.

But the explanation did not satisfy him. So often, when he could not explain something, he got angry. 

'Now you're doing this lady-thing again?' was one of the typical things Norman would say to Andrew, when the actor had to take off his shirt in front of the camera.

Usually, Andy would just laugh. 

But one time he came over, smiled at him and asked:"That coming from a model who takes every chance to undress himself."

Norman could barely concentrate what his friend was saying, because the half-naked body was so close to him like never before. 

He searched for a funny answer but his mind was just blank, the palm of his hands sweaty, he felt like he went red. He looked down and laughed like a shy boy who is not able to express what he feels.

But Andrew did not go away, he came from step closer, tilted his head and said with the most beautiful, soft voice: "Everything okay?" 

And even though the naked skin was now right next to him - such an easy opportunity to observe the muscles - that was the moment, when Norman for the first time realized, how pretty Andrew's lips were. 

"Gather around everyone, we are driving to the hall!" someone shouted and jolted Norman out of his daydreams.

He briefly looked at Andrew and again, his friend did the same.

Andrew smiled for a second. It made Norman feel super excited and he smiled back. 

With pounding heart he got in the same black van, like Andrew did. 

He was sitting next to him i the back and the world felt good for a moment.

"Make space for Negan's ass!" Jeffrey said while entering the van as well. 

Norman looked at Andrew, who laughed, but it was no honest laugh. Norman could tell the difference. This one broke in the middle and Andrew turned his head quickly to look outside the window. 

Norman did not have to see his friend's eyes. He knew his whole body language all along. 

Andrew's body was tensed and he touched his lips over and over with his fingers, almost squeezed them and turned them like he would do with an aggression ball. 

"Norm, greatest love of all, would you be so kind and fasten my seatbelt because I think the belt is right under your pretty butt." With saying that, Jeffrey clapped on Norman's knee.

Andrew turned his head and saw the action, without saying anything he turned his head back to the window view.

Norman liked Jeffrey's humor and he liked being next to him as well. But in this situation, he somehow did not feel comfortable.

'Is it because I know, that Andy does not feel good with this? Why does he never talk to me about it? Does he have a problem with Jeffrey?' the actor asked himself.

With his hands he searched for the seatbelt, found it and put it on Jeffrey. 

"There you go" Norman said in a neutral tone.

Jeffrey put his arms around Norman, like they were a couple on holidays.

"You are a TRUE friend." Jeffrey stated, making himself comfortable in the car seat.

Norman felt Andrew's body tensed, he saw him scratching his neck, touching his nose, all in fast actions like someone who will explode soon.

The driver put the radio on, the channel must had been a classic one, since there were soft violins and an orchestra all over the place. The melody was a melancholic one, sometimes light and happy, sometimes gloomy and sad, but always slow. Norman thought he knew this song, but he could not think clearly at the moment. All he wanted was to connect with his friend.

"Hey, it's...great to see you." Norman whispered to Andrew.

In an instant, his friend relaxed a bit. 

He turned his head towards Norman to say something, but right before he could speak, the female voice in the song, coming out of the volume speakers of the vans, started to sing:

_I've seen the world, done it all  
Had my cake now_

Andrew hesitated to say something.

_Diamonds, brilliant, in Bel-Air now_

He just looked at Norman and Norman looked at Andrew. 

_Hot summer nights, mid July  
When you and I were forever wild_

The world stopped in this moment and if a fairytale would have given Norman one free wish, it would be to be alone with this man. 

Forever.

_The crazy days, city lights  
The way you'd play with me like a child..._

The moment was interrupted by a crew member: "AND WE'RE HERE EVERYONE! You have all 5 minutes on the red carpet before we go in. Security as usual. Now go out and have fun! They waited for you the whole day! Out with you, out!" 

Doors were opened and the noise reached all of them, jolted them out of their thoughts, like a wave that overtook everything. 

NORMAN NORMAN NORMAN NORMAN

ANDREW ANDREW ANDREW ANDREW

JEFFREY JEFFREY JEFFREY JEFFREY

'Here we are' Norman thought while climbing out, 'here we are back in the play, the illusion. The perfect illusion of a perfect life.'


	40. Quite something

_"DARYL! DARYL! DARYL!“_

_Thousands of fans were standing in front of a huge hall, where the WD tour took place. The crowd was shouting the name of the character, that should be forever personified in Norman Reedus._

_Norman stepped on the red carpet, let the paparazzi do their pictures and then walked to the first row, to talk to the fans._

_He tried to be nice and right there in the moment, but he was super nervous inside._

_He had a plan. A good plan. But then everything turned out differently._

His plan was to ignore Andrew. 

But just seeing him again after that long time, had made him prove wrong. 

He never wanted to ignore his friend, it was an egoistic move of him and he felt sorry for it. 

Now he wanted everything to be good again. 

Even more, he wanted to be all over him, watch movies, go to dinner, make vacation with him, talk to him, laugh with him, cry with him and hug him. 

He wanted all of that.

Now.

But reality wanted something different. The Walking Dead Tour in Lissabon. That's what was on reality's plan.

Norman looked around and saw excited faces everywhere.

‘Don’t be such an idiot, look at all of these people, they are here because of you! They are your supporters! Without them, nothing is possible and everything is falling apart! Enjoy the moment!’

"Hey, wow, that is so nice of you, let’s do a Selfie!“ Norman started to talk to the fans and realized, that this gave him so much love and energy. 

While he signed a phone case, he looked around and searched for Andrew.

There he was, right next to the fans, talking to them and being nice. An interviewer approached him, so he had to step back and position himself in front of the camera. Norman could not hear was he was talking about, but he saw, that he looked somewhere nervous and out of place, like the scene in the car and everything else had finally come to a point, where he could not handle it anymore all alone.

‘God how I wish I could be next to him right now‘ Norman thought.

——-  
......  
(For having the real experience, check out the event + interview Andy gave: http://sicnoticias.sapo.pt/cultura/2017-03-08-Tour-da-serie-The-Walking-Dead-passou-por-Lisboa video from 0:28 on)  
…..

Andrew’s view: 

Andrew was not ready for an interview. He was confused, his feelings were a mix up between romantic love song and double base metal anthem and he still did not know why.

“Mr Leedus,“ the interviewer said while rolling the r in Mr, “What do you think about your fans here?“

"This is the most beautiful, sweet and overwhelming thing that I’ve ever experienced. It’s amazing.“

He knew, that one sentence was’t enough, since the interviewer made a hand gesture that he should keep on talking.

But in his head there was so much more going on. 

WHY DID NORMAN LOOK AT ME THAT WAY? 

DID HE FORGIVE ME? Is everything okay now, but still like it used to be before and Jeffrey and him are best friends forever?

Andrew kept talking but his minds where somewhere else:

"I just flewn in from-“

Bath.

OH NO RUBBISH, DON’T GIVE THAT THE PRESS!

“…eh…“

SAY SOMETHING. NOT BATH. Don’t tell them, that you are in divorce right now, don’t tell that about your feelings in that Jeffrey-Norman thing. Don’t tell them how much you missed Norman. Where have I been flying from? Where? 

LONDON! YOU FLEW FROM LONDON IDIOT! WHERE YOU LIVE WITH YOUR FAMILY!

“ eh London. So this is quite something so, thank you.“

‘This was the worst interview, you ever gave,‘ Andrew thought, ’The worst.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (check out the interview again to see how confused he was :D )


	41. Jealous

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For the full experience in this part, please check out the panel they did in Portugal. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G233R93CghU 
> 
> I will guide you with the times to stop, so you can follow the story that mixes up reality and fiction very much in this part.

Andrew’s view:

Right before they entered the stage, Norman and Jeffrey got themselves a glass of wine.

"Want one?“ Jeffrey asked Andrew.

It was tempting, but he said "No, thanks.“ with confidence.

His world and feelings were so chaotic, he did not need a drug to make it even more complicated.

They entered the stage one after another. 'Focus and be professional' Andrew thought to himself.

Like everytime, he was overwhelmed by the reaction of the fans. It made him happy in an instant. His heart felt light, cheerful and he felt that Norman, who sat next to him, experienced the same.

(1:33) He saw Norman checking out the microphone and - like friends do it - Andrew copied that action. A simple gesture of mimicking his friend because everything Norman did was cool.

“What does that sign say?“ Andrew asked the crowd. Norman looked at him and smiled and because of that attention and validation - the opposite of ignorance from months ago - Andrew had to laugh a happy laugh.

Norman even leaned in and Andrew felt like he could hug the world.

He was so cheerful and nervous at the same time. He just wanted to talk to Norman, so he started a sentence. (2:05) But Norman did not hear it because he leaned over to Jeffrey. His hands were still resting more on Andrew’s side, but Andrew felt like he has been the fifth wheel, again.

He tucked some hair behind his ear in frustration and leant back in his chair. He did not know what to do with his hands so he grabbed for the water bottle, while Norman and Jeffrey still were talking. He did not want to see it, so he turned away from them.

"Our boyfriend would propose if you would take a selfie with us!“ the moderator explained the sign.

"Is that true or is it-?“ Jeffrey asked, but Andrew was all way in, ready to pose with whatever fan it might be.

He almost ran to the crowd, just far away from the Jeffrey-Norman scene and close to the people who would give him so much joy, who were grateful for spending time with him.

But the other cast members followed and so he found himself standing next to Norman, who put an arm over his shoulder (2:51). He flinched back cause he already saw Jeffrey doing the same with Norman. But then he could not help but feel comfortable next to his friend. They did not touch since months. Suddenly the fan wanted to change position so she moved between them. 

After the picture a few more fans hugged Norman, but Andrew did see, that they accidentally put Norman’s suit a bit in a disorder. (3:18) He knew, that Norman hated that so like it was the most common thing in the world, he adjusted the jacket of his friend. Norman’s body tense for a second, Andrew could see that. He could not help but touch his lower back, when they made their way back to the stage. 

Touch, it was the one thing he missed the most. 

Usually, Andrew would be now start asking questions to himself, but he was to happy and electrified to feel down, again.

The interview began and Andrew sometimes thought that the questions were so much deeper than they actually looked like. Or at least, his answers:(6:25) "Apparently, people seem to enjoy watching me suffer….so maybe I should keep doing it.“

Norman applauded on his comment and Andrew thought about the moment in the writers room, where every season they also talked about money. 

It has to be done, there were projects outside waiting for him, maybe much bigger roles to come. Norman had always said “If you doubt because of the money, you can have my salary, as long as you stay.“

Andrew knew, that Norman’s biggest fear was, seeing his friend leaving the show. Norman did not care about his own death so much, like about the death of Rick: “Kill me, I’ll come anyway everyday and be one of the zombies or the lightning guy.“ he sometimes said to Greg. „But don’t kill Rick. Give that guy enough dollars and Disneyland, if he likes to. Just make him stay.“

That’s why he applauded nso much, because if Andrew said he would keep doing the show, everything was okay. 

‘Maybe we are still best friends, maybe he IS afraid of me leaving, despite of Jeffrey‘ Andrew thought.

The moderator continued asking, he mentioned „London“ but Andrew tried to not think about his family. He was now here, flying high on the love he received.

(7:28) „…And I made some of the best friends of my life….you know… and I do…-„ here he stopped because Norman leaned over and hugged him. 

He tried to stay in role, tried a „Not-“, tried to keep the „Oh-Norman-again!“ face, but inside, he enjoyed the hug so much, the hand of his friend right at his heart, his head on his shoulder, that at the end of it, he had to smile. 

A mixture of joy and frustration followed. 

WHY DIDN’T HE DO THAT IN THE LAST MONTHS? he asked himself.

WHY DID HE NEVER CALL?

He could not say it directly to Norman. He just couldn’t. So he talked about him in third person.

A lot of these unspoken sentences only could be addressed while Comic Con or a Panel. It was so weird, because with all the people there, it usually would be the last place to address tensions and conflicts. Of course, they always kept it playful, but underneath it all, there was still a truth to it. And that truth has been kept secret for a long time.

"Yeah but he’s kinda spend a lot more time with Jeffrey at the moment and I’m jealous.“

There, HE SAID IT.


	42. Don't go changing

He thought a lot of people would laugh now, but everyone looked at the direction of Norman and Jeffrey. Andrew did not, but he would watch it later on video.

Jeffrey laughed and looked at the floor. 

Norman just starred at Andrew and did not move. Just at the end of the sentence he smiled a bit and looked dreamy in the distance, like the answer, his statement was to big, to overwhelming to say. There was also a sadness in his face, something melancholical.

Then, the moderator turned to Norman and asked him about his happiness.

(8:33) Andrew did look at his friend, not believing him to the fullest when he said with the most unexcited voice:“ Yeah I’m super happy.“ 

Then Norman said his name: „Andy…“ and it made Andrew feel good.

"Even when we’re not filming we’re always on the phone“

Here he thought about how much of a lie it was right now and it hurt him, so he took his jacket and placed it somewhere else on the desk.

"His kids call me Nanny Norman.“

No one knew why, but the two guys.

Before the whole drama happened, Norman and Andrew would be on the phone, when they were not screening, 24 hours. 

Matilda and Arthur did know Norman very well and they loved him. He was like a second father to him but they already had two parents so they started to call him „Nanny“.

From time to time Andrew had called him that as well, because Norman often gave his friend educational advice. 

Andrew often was stressed out because of making everything perfect for his kids. Not making the right decision. Norman always calmed him down: "Andy, it’s okay man, they are great, you are great.“.

"He makes a great Nanny“ Andrew now stated, hoping, that Norman would hear the thankfulness in this words and also that he appreciated, what he had done so far.

Then Andrew talked about how his red carpet date is Greg’s family. He could not hide his disappointment here, cause Gael never showed up with him. 

"She can’t remember anything before TWD“ Greg said about his daughter.

‘Oh, like it is with me’, Andrew thought, ’it’s like that is all I have left and live for now.’

So with a commitment to it, he said: "Neither do I.“

As the panel went on, Andrew felt that he and Norman did connect better and better, they even started to mock each other with Norman’s black eyes he got from the filming. 

It felt natural and light. It was something, no season separation could take from them. And especially, not Negan.

The memories.

The feeling got stronger, since now they talked about Negan’s group and Rick’s group. It was the last thing, where Andrew had the feeling that Norman was totally with him. When it was about „them“ and „we“. 

Norman went into his playful mode and Andrew loved every second of it. (19:30) He played with Andrew’s microphone to get his attention and he then startet to move closer with his chair to him, to indicate, how much he missed him and his sillyness. When he was asked to whistle, Andrew could not resist to mock and compliment him at the same time:

20:14 "You’ve got a very sensitive whistle, …Norman“ and by saying that, he looked up in the sky. 

He wanted to make it look annoyed but instead he was in a dreamy mode of being captivated around the presence of Norman Reedus.

This guy could turn your world upside down and all you could do is been sucked in by the pure love and joy he brought to you.   
Andrew almost missed the next question.

'FOCUS' he told himelf.

Then he had to answer a question about Jeffrey. 

(21:10) „He is too sexy for this space“ and he meant it. He thought Jeffrey was such an attrative men, the only problem was, that Norman was drawn to cool and great looking persons. 

So when he said „Space“ he said it with a laugh in his eyes but also with a little bit of sharpness. Cause he meant „He is too attractive for Norman, more interesting than I am.“

Sexy, that was the term standing for „comeptition“. The most competition he has ever faced.

(21:55) „Begging….in front of him…“

That’s how Rick had to do it. And that’s how Andrew felt as well very often. Begging for attention, begging for Jeffrey to let him also spend some time with Norman.

"You gotta go somewhere, to go somehwere. If you know what I’m talking about? Yeah.“

The crowd cheered, they were with him. Andrew felt the rush of blood pumping through his veins. He was determined.

"He is very sexy but I’m gonna kill him… in an extreme sexy way.“

BOOM. He said it.

He might be less cooler than Negan, but he was the leader after all, the one who would take care of his people. 

'Andrew, you are an actor‘ his inner voice told him.

But he was too focused on this. He imagined taking back everything they have taken him.

Including Daryl.

Including Norman.

He felt pumped up. And he was not finished.

23:10 "The two guys that flew, invited me in to the cockpit.“

He knew that Norman would like this word play. And there he heard him clearing his throat. And there he was, repeating „Cockpit“ over and over. 

Andrew knew, he could be the king of charm and wit, at least to this guy right next to him. And he hadn’t been for a long time. 

It was time, to fight back that posotion. 

And then they did it. They really did it. They showed their hug. On full screen.

And all the emotions came back. 

Andrew heard Norman say „Cockpit“ again, he knew, that for him it would be as challenging as for him so he tried to make a joke about it. 

None of these people knew, what they really gone through.

But Andrew tried to not let the feelings overcome him and stayed in a positive mood. He had the attention of Norman, he had made him smile, now it was time to made him feel even more comfrotable. Cause that’s what he loved the most.

(26:34) "He smells so good“ he stated. It was a mockery, but deep down there was a compliment. Cause Norman really smelled good. 

Also, the sentence would bring the attention away from the hug itself. That’s what Andrew hoped for. But then the guy asked about the crying and all the actor could do was referring to Norman, like he himself did never shed a tear.

"Yeah you did you liar. You cried like a baby.“ he heard Norman say in protest.

Andrew could feel how Norman wanted to bring the truth out there, not accepting the role alone of the „emotional-silly-man“.

The moderator did not move on to the next question. He really wanted to know why they cried.

Andrew thought about that day in Georgia. Where they finally were shooting together after months. Where they could not hide anymore, how much they missed each other. 

What no one knew was that: Before that scene, Norman and him hadn’t met since 3 weeks although they were on the same show. And to that time, just for a short scene, where they couldn’t even talk to each other. Daryl had to shut up because of Negan and Rick was not allowed to talk to Daryl. After that day, Andrew came back to his trailer and found a note on his mp3 player. 

"Sorry but I had to bring in another song to your playlist.“ Norman had written.

Andrew turned the player on, put the headphones in and sat on his bed. Billy Joel started to sing:

 _Don't go changing, to try and please me  
You never let me down before  
Don't imagine you're too familiar  
And I don't see you anymore  
I would not leave you in times of trouble  
We never could have come this far  
I took the good times, I'll take the bad times  
I'll take you just the way you are_   
*listen to it in the footnotes*

That’s what Andrew was thinking about now. 

He could not answer the question. 

He could just start to sing the song that Norman had put on his player that day.

The day, where they were finally so close, but so far away from each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (listen: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HaA3YZ6QdJU)


	43. The only person

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You might have to re-read the last chapters to get the vibe of the story, again :)

After the Panel and the photoshoots with the fans, Norman felt so full of energy, he felt like a million dollars. 

Not only because of the feedback of the crowd, but because Andy and him were interacting like in good old days. 

And to top that, Andy would fly back with them to the States, not returning to England.

"Meeting with the broker.“ Andrew have told the crew. But Norman knew, that it was a white lie.

They all made their way back to the Vans and Norman, who was a bit behind them because he was the last one who left the panel, heard Danai asking:

"You want to buy another house there?“

Norman could not hear Andrew’s answer but he made a hand gesture that would say something like „Oh no no, just some basic things to discuss about the contracts of the old one“ 

People bought and sold houses every day in Hollywood, same with contracts who were changing all the time or needed to be redone - it was nothing uncommon.

Norman looked at his phone, people were already tagging him like crazy in their pics.

"Here Sir, Mr. Reedus.“ A guy with an orange vest was speaking to Norman and guiding him to a black Van. 

Norman climbed in, but in the car was only Melissa.

"Hey honey“ she said with a smile. He smiled back and placed himself in the back row, while she was sitting in the row before him. That way both could stretch out. The Panel was a lot of sitting and standing and it left them exhausted.

The driver closed the doors and they drove off. Melissa explained, that somehow there were more cars for the transport available than before, so they separated the team. 

"Now we have more legroom, haven’t we?“ Melissa turned around and laughed at him.

"Yeah,…yeah of course…so much freedom“ Norman replied with a smile but also absent-minded.

The actor was already missing his long-gone best friend. 

The connection between the two was so special that night, he wanted to spend every second next to Andrew.... and now fate did not want that. 

Melissa had already turned to the front again. From her body position, Norman could see that she was dizzling. It has been a long day for everyone.

'Screw you fate‘ Norman thought jokingly.

He grabbed his phone out of his pocket and wrote a SMS. 

While he did that, he felt so excited and playful, like a schoolboy writing his first love letter in class, asking his crush out.

"Negan has you now. Should I come n get ya? ;P“

He pressed SEND.

Hopefully, Andrew would write back. 

Hopefully, he would hear the message sound.

Norman was nervous, he hated it to wait, so he watched outside the window. But there was only light after light, car after car to see.

'What if he thinks I’m overdoing it again, that I’m already annoying him?'

Norman suddenly felt a bit sick.

'What if he is showing my message around and everyone laughs at me atm?'

HE WOULD NEVER DO THAT, Norman’s mind shouted.

In that moment, his phone made a sound.

In seconds he logged in and a message popped up.

Norman read it.

His jaw dropped

His heart sank to his boots.

"You are the only person who can save me now.“


	44. Teenage Dirtbag

Hundreds of butterflies, like the majestic peacock and the bright common brimstone, were appearing in front of Norman’s eyes. 

He felt them flying so much in his tummy, he had to imagine them right before him. 

Then he closed his eyes. 

To be alone with the words.

"You are the only person who can save me now.“

THE ONLY PERSON.

'What does that mean? Am I his only left friend?‘

SAVE HIM?

'I can save him. He is saying that I can save him.‘

Norman opened his eyes, the butterflies were still there. One was landing on his nose.

He closed his eyes, again. 

'He must mean, that I can save him from Negan. I am the only person left, because I have inside knowledge. He means, that I am Daryl and he is Rick. It is a joke.‘

Norman felt the disappointment in a sudden. 

But this was reality, he was used to it.

There was no need to write back.

JUST A JOKE.

When he opened his eyes, the butterflies were gone.

What was left, was only the dark night outside.

—---------

Andrew, who was in the car with Lauren, who was sitting in the back at the right side while he was sitting at the left side, waited.

Waited for a reply. 

He had a smile on his face. 

He was super hyped.

And he was glad that Lauren did not see him like this. 

She was sleeping like a baby and therefore could not ask questions like „Ok, this panel was the greatest, but why are you still on the edge?“.

'Norman is so quick with these things, what does him take so long? With whom is he in the car?“

Andrew checked the inbox of the SMS messenger of his old phone. 

0 new.

'Maybe he fell asleep“ Andrew stated to himself in his mind, followed by a feeling that said 'How could he? How could he after…“

The actor reconstructed the evening in his mind. 

What a great panel. What a great meeting. How awesome the fans, how much the love they received. 

And what a great interaction between him and Norman. Not only at the panel but even before.

First it felt so strange in the elevator, but then he gathered all his courage and started to talk about his breakup. He did talk about it like it was smalltalk and maybe that was, what made it so easy to talk about. No huge breakdowns (he had experienced enough of them to not want to go back there again), no big words - just a joke between two friends with the hidden information.

Nevertheless, he would have wanted to hug Norman so badly…

But the desire to hug was not only because he needed support. It was far more than that.

He had realized how much he missed his friend, so much, that he needed to touch him to be satisfied. 

To know: Okay, your friend is actually here, right next to you, listening to you. Not via Mail, not via phone, he is standing here in person. 

He exists and he cares for you.

….that DAMN elevator….

 

Then after the panel it all happened to quickly, that when he got Norman’s message, he was so excited he could jump. 

Norman must have felt the connection as well!

'Why is he not answering me?“ Andrew mused, while looking outside the window and reading a traffic sign. He estimated, that they would need one more hour to get to the airport.

But he did not want to wait. He could not. Because time was running… 

Andrew sighed and typed a new message, which needed around 5 minutes. He was not used to typing.

"Hey, u r with the Saviors now? Betraying me?“ 

'Does that sound funny? Does that sound desperate?‘ Andrew asked himself. 'I better re-write that‘

Somehow he accidentally pressed SEND.

"Oh shite.“ Andrew said out loud, then turning his head to Lauren. She was still asleep.

He looked back at his phone. Then put it in his pocket and closed his eyes.

'Now he HAS to answer. Or he does not do it and really thinks I’m stupid. Bloody hell, why am I acting like a baby? It's just Norman, right? Norman'

Andrew liked that name.

It meant so much to him. He could bathe in the name. 

'Wow, now I think like a psycho.' Andrew thought.

'Or a stupid teenager in love' his mind continued before he could even think something else.


	45. Happiness is the truth

BEEP BEEP!

Norman, who already fell asleep, opened his eyes. 

Another message?

"Hey, you are with the Saviors now? Betraying me?“ 

ANDY!

Now Norman was fully awake. His heartbeat rose in seconds. 

HE TEXTED AGAIN! That means he is waiting for an answer!

Norman’s hands were shaking, but he managed to type:

"Miss ya.“

Then he deleted it.

Then he wrote it again.

He looked at the words like some kind of commitment. He did not know which commitment, but it sounded serious.

He changed it to:

"Miss ya Lincoln.“

But somehow that did not work for this special moment. So he wrote:

"Miss yah luv.“

'Should I really send it?‘ Norman asked himself. 

"Yes…I should. Enough of the drama, he should and can know that I really miss him.“ 

Norman fought with himself but slowly convinced himself to do it. 

He was inches away from the SEND button.

WHAT IF SOMEONE ELSE WRITES INSTEAD OF HIM?

'What if, let’s say Danai has Andrew’s phone (as a prank or something) and writes back. What if it is not Andy?'

He deleted all the words.

Then he wrote:

"Meet me at seat 15B and find it out.“

Because they were flying with a normal airplane, not the TWD Private Jet this time, the plane would have enough space for all of them to have a little privacy.

If Andrew would then come to the seat, Norman would knew, that his friend wanted to be close to him as well.

Plus, it sounded very dope. 

And he wanted to be as dope as possible. Because he knew, that Andrew liked that cool vibe.

He pressed "send" and smiled.

After a few minutes, he closed his eyes, because there was nothing left to do. 

He imagined himself sitting in the plane and then suddenly hearing Andrew’s British accent from the back:

"Hey Mr. lover boy, is this seat still available?“

The voice was so soft, yet deep, yet welcoming. 

Then he asked himself what he would do, if Andy would lay his head on his shoulder, while falling asleep.

'What you would always do in this moment, Norman, nothing. Just be happy. Happy, to be alive next to this wonderful human being.“


	46. Take-off

While Norman was sitting in the huge plane for real, he got nervous.

Almost everyone boarded, except Andy.

They did not see each other at the airport, apparently the Vans arrived to different times and the actors and actresses who arrived had to go directly to the check-in and safety control. 

Norman tapped nervously on the table. 

He already had placed his favorite drink right in front of him and - on the table at the empty seat next to him - a drink what he knew Andy would order.

He even bought the SUN for him at a airport shop before, although they were all in a rush. He knew that Andrew did not like the paper, but it was more as a joke. This man was going through a lot and to make him laugh was maybe something he needed now. 

Also, on Norman’s lap were different kind of snacks, all healthy of course. 

Cause he knew, Andrew would like that.

'I am a little bit an idiot with all these things right now,....feels like I have a date.“ Norman laughed at himself but slowly getting concerned. 

He looked outside the window, but they were closing the gate.

WAIT??

He set back the tables, but the drinks and snacks in a rush on the floor and headed to Greg, who was sitting 5 rows behind him. 

He almost screamed, while leaning towards the producer:"THEY CANNOT TAKE OFF, ANDY IS MISSING!“

"Norman oh my God you look so frightened, Jesus! Calm down, everything is alright. Andy is taking another plane.“

Norman’s mouth left open.

"What?“

"Yeah, nobody told ya? He booked the flight this evening, we were all really suprised since we thought he would go back to London. But the flight agency, some dude who was at the check in, did not allow another passenger. They must be on a strike or something.“

"So that means what?“ Norman felt anger rising against the person who decided that. He wanted to punch this stranger.

"That means Norman, that Andrew booked the only flight which was left. And now guess what, it is even a faster connection! Don’t ask me about the company, must be an unknown one.“

Norman calmed down a bit: "So everything is okay you say?“

Greg leaned forward:“He will be there before us, then you’ll see him again. Now go back to your seat please, the flight attendant coming along the way looks really pissed. I think we want to take off as well.“ 

Norman went back to his seat, let himself fall in it, crushed all the snacks, poured the drinks. He did not care. 

When the attendant came to him, she had to close his seat belt because he was to numb to do it. Apparently she was used to do that, must have been the experience with drunk or stoned stars.

At least she did not see the mess under Norman’s feet.

'Hours of hours alone, no Andy next to me.“ Norman thought. 

And it was not only his impatience but also the fact, that this „high phases“ which would Norman call it, were only lasting so and so long. 

Sometimes, when they were separated in between shooting TWD, when they had the greatest moments together, and got back together, Andrew was always so professional again. 

Not cold but distanced. 

Like he reassured himself, that Norman was a collegue, a friend, not …. not his lover boy.

The plane took off. 

Norman was not interested in looking outside at the fading lights. 

He watched the liquid of his beer surround his shoes, then making its way to the other rows. 

After a few seconds, he heard Greg saying: "Madame, is this normal?“


	47. Melody from hell

When they landed in Atlanta, Norman had gone through a million plans. 

What to do first, where to go first, what would Andy like now, what could he do to support him, what could he do to be with him 24h?

But he came to the conclusion that he did not even know, if Andrew was still at the airport. 

Why would Andy want to wait? Wouldn’t it look awkward? What were his plans? Did he want to go to his old apartment there, were Gael and the kids stayed at the beginning of the filming back in the days? Or would he visit some actor-friends? 

Norman walked with a shuffle outside the plane, he was now really tired. 

He said goodbye to his co-actors who headed all in different directions - another flight, to their cars or motorcycles, back to their families and business at home. 

Even Jeffrey was in a rush "Norman, call me.“ he just shouted, while heading towards the exit. His family was waiting for him, that Norman knew.

He put on his phone and immediately checked for calls. 

None.

It must have been 2 hours since Andrew landed.

So he called his friend by himself.

Mailbox.

Damn. Now what?

He went to the baggage claim and picked up his suitcase.

Suddenly he saw Greg at an airport desk, talking loudly to a woman who was dressed in in a flight company uniform.

He started walking towards them and could hear Greg’s angry voice from half the way. Greg was never loud so he wondered, what had happened.

„…your resonsibility….take CARE of ….not accept that….information.“

Norman finally arrived and looked at his friend:

"What’s happening man?“

His friend had a red head, one could see that he was angry, but also his face expression was the one of worry.

"It's about....Andrew.“

"Greg, what do you mean by that? Everything okay?“ 

Norman placed his suitcase upright. 

He had a strange feeling about this situation, that he did not like.

"Andrew did not arrive. They say, that the plane is still in the air!!!!“

Norman felt like someone hit him with a hammer. 

But it was all a dream. He just have to wake up.

He wondered, why his voice was starting to make sounds, like it was not part of his body. He said, sounding like a professor, who was having a scientific disagreement with his laboratory assistant:

"How can that be? That cannot be. You said, they started before us and took the faster line.“ 

Greg stepped closer to him and grabbed Norman’s shoulder.

"Turbulences. A storm.“ he whispered.

"We have everything under control“ the woman said, with a very high stress on the word „control“. She was shaking a bit as well.

Norman looked at Greg and then at the woman.

It was like his world collapsed in a second. 

He heard the woman say something again, but it sounded very far away, like in a bubble.

Then a high tone.

'She has a great hairstyle', Norman thought. 'I wonder how long it take to make this perfect look everyday.'

"Norman, did you hear that?“ Greg asked, while shaking Norman’s shoulders.

It was like waking up from a nightmare with the difference, that there was no escape.

Norman got his speech back. 

And then everything happened very fast. 

He shouted at Greg: „NO! SINCE WHEN? SINCE WHEN -„ and then turned around to the women, leaning all over the counter with a mad expression "SINCE WHEN….HOW LONG ARE THEY NOW LONGER IN THE AIR THAN YOU PLANNED?“

The women shrieked and stepped back. She whispered: "3 hours and 35 minutes.“

"Jesus Christ“ Norman said.

"You can go to the waiting area where the other family and friend members are waiting. They are not many, since this plane was a small one, but I’m sure you can support each other in these times.“

Norman wanted to reply something but then suddenly the phone of the women rang. 

She picked up the speaker, did just say „Yes“ and then listened. 

Twice, she said "Understood.“

Norman’s nerves were so tensed, he thought he’ll explode.

Then the women hung up. 

She did not say anything, just stared at the men.

Greg asked with a trembling voice:“What? WHAT?“

She answered: "I have not the permission to tell you, Sir.“

Norman got full range. 

First he thought about jumping on the counter, but this was reality, not TWD universe. 

So he picked up his phone, with shaking hands, and pointed it in the direction of the woman.

"You know what a live video is, Instagram and that shit, don’t you?“

"Yes Mr. Reedus.“

"Oh okay, so you know my name? Good. You know that, if you don’t give me the information, I will live stream that the famous known Rick Grimes is missing and people can call YOUR company for more information or come directly to the counter here?“ 

He knew that it was blackmail, but for Andrew he would do everything.

"THAT IS....….okay…listen….I will give you that: They are not able to navigate around the storm right now. The have not enough….gas anymore…you understand? So they have to fly directly…into….the storm.“

"Oh my God“ Greg said so quietly, almost audible.

Norman said nothing. 

He was holding for support with his hands on the counter, but he felt weak, so weak. 

In seconds he found himself collapsing to the floor.

And the worst part of it was, that he did not get unconscious. 

He was having a breakdown, but was fully aware of it.

I SHOULD HAVE CHANGED MY FLIGHT AS WELL! HOW COULD I JUST JUMP INTO A FLIGHT WITHOUT ANDY? How could I not arrange something for him or even get into that plane with him?

And like an unforgiving machine-drumbeat from hell that lasted forever, one word tramped in his head:

BetrayBetrayBetrayBetrayBetrayBetrayBetrayBetrayBetray

and after each pattern it was followed by a cymbal sound, a hit as loud as it could get, a hit that felt like a whip on his naked back, over and over again:

DEATH!


	48. Daryl mode

After Norman had recovered from the first shock, he wanted to do everything at the same time. 

Yell at someone.

Destroy something big.

Hurt himself.

Call everyone he knew.

Call nobody.

Call his mother.

Take drugs.

Black out.

Stop breathing.

It was Greg, who helped him up form the floor and made sure, that they found their way to the waiting area. 

Norman said no word. He had transformed himself into a Walker, unable to talk, just making noises that sounded horrific.

Greg supported him with his arms and shoulder, that’s how they arrived at the chair rows.

Norman looked up and like through fog he could see that no one really paid attention to them.

The people, mostly families, were too distracted shouting to the flight attendants, who were usually responsible for the boarding gate. Now they were surrounded by a knot of angry husbands or wives, who often carried a small child in their arms. The children were crying. It was a loud place to be.

Norman wanted to join them, he wanted to protest, to scream, do whatever was neccessary. He made a move into their direction but Greg stopped him with his hands.

"Norman, no. You sit down here. They will probably recognize you. We’re in Atlanta.“

"So what?“ Norman mumbled, it felt strange to talk again, "They also do know you.“

"Let’s see.“ Greg just said. 

Norman sat down.

'This feels good‘ he thought. His body was welcoming the opportunity to rest. Although at the same time, Norman felt like he had to DO something know, not just sit aorund.

Greg quickly opened his suitcase and went through some clothes. Then he found a blazer. The one from the Con. He tied his hair back and hid it under a baseball cap. Then he fished some glasses out of his washbag, a pair that Norman never seen before. Greg put them on and looked very different, cause the shape was round, like from an old 70s movie. In another situation Norman would have laughed now.

"Listen,“ Greg started again very softly, going on his knees, looking Norman in the eye, "Would it be okay for you if you would contact Andy’s family? You know Gael better than I do and I think she would…“ here he paused, looked down, then again up „would wanted it to hear from you.“

Norman leaned forward, with a determined look in his eyes: "ANDY IS NOT….!“

Greg looked at him for a long time. Then he stood up and rubbed his forehead, then scratched it like he head flea bites. 

After a few seconds he said: "I know, he is not…..dead“ here his voice broke and he had to cough. Norman saw, that Greg had teary eyes. "He is alive, right? But still someone has to inform them. They have the right to know, what’s going on…..Gael would do the same for you.“

Here Norman stopped breathing for a second. Greg was absolutely right, Gael, come what may, would do the same. 

He exhaled. 

"Yes, I will call her. You see what news they have for us.“ and with a head nod he pointed towards the crowd.

Norman was in Daryl Mode. 

It was his only way to survive this.

Greg left and Norman watched him joining the crowd. But it was too far away to understand something. It also looked like the attendants did not have any news at the moment and only tried to calm down the people.

Norman looked down on his phone and searched for Gaels number. 

He hesitated for a second when he found it, but then pressed CALL.


	49. Used to surviving

"It is all well, please take it.“ Andrew handed his last water bottle to the single mother with her baby. They were sitting behind him. 

"Obrigado, thank you Sir!“ the woman said with an Portuguese accent, folding her hands to a prayer. 

Andrew looked at the baby, an almost newborn covered in white blankets. It had screamed half the flight but then suddenly stopped. 

First, Andrew felt released and made a vow to never fly economy class again, as posh as that sounded. 

Now, when the first panic was over - they’ve been through all of it, screaming, protesting, „I don’t want to die“ yells - people were just too exhausted to say anything again. They all were hungry and especially thirsty. They all wanted to get out of this plane. They all wanted to go back to their normal lives. And then relive it. Start new. Do things they never have dreamed of, because, after THIS everything would be possible. 

So the passengers were all now in a phase, were they were half-asleep, in a dehydrated condition, brains heavy, like in a never ending hangover. 

It was very quiet. 

Andrew wished, the baby would cry.

He turned around to his own seat and sat down. His legs felt so heavy. Was this the thrombosis everyone talked about?

The plane was going through constant turbulences. The flight attendants had their hands full to provide medical care but looked very tired as well.

From time to time the pilot would say something, it was the only time people raised their head to listen. 

It was a female voice and it sounded very focused. Andrew knew, that not all persons in this plane did like the image of a female pilot. 5 rows before him someone had shouted „Where is the pilot? Does a stewardess fly the plane?“ So Andrew and some other passengeres shouted back „Just shuck the fuck up.“ That was one hour ago. Before everyone drifted into „leave me alone“ mode.

The two seats next to Andrew were empty but he was to tall to be able to lie down there. It was a small plane in general, very old-looking from the outside, not to speak from the inside.

The crew had shut down the TV monitors, so Andrew had to distract himself. 'What year are these seat covers from?‘ but the objects to play with were very rare. After all, he was sitting here, with a limited view. 

Suddenly he realized an old man, who was leaving the toilet, coming back to the corridor. His hair was white, his beard looked like the one from Santa. He was wearing some old jeans, worn sneakers, a blue flannel shirt and brown braces over it. ‚Hershel’s brother‘ Andrew thought. 

The man was very shaky, but no one cared. When he passed Andrew’s row, the actor said:“ Would you mind sitting down for a while? I could use some company.“

The old man looked at him in surprise but then smiled and sat down at the seat next to the floor. They shook hands, „Jacob“ the man introduced himself, "Andrew, nice to meet you.“ the actor said. "I am sorry I cannot offer you a drink.“

The man smiled again "Never mind Andrew, I took care of it.“ With that he grabbed a small flask out of his shirt pocket. „Want some? It’s not the best whiskey, but it does its job.“

Andrew did not expect this. "I’m beyond marveled Jacob! Where….how…?“

"Well, I know where they hide things like that…“ the man gave Andrew the bottle. It was almost full. He hesitated, but then took a sip. 

'Oh God that tastes great.‘ he thought. "Thank you, that is very kind“ Andrew nodded in Jacob’s direction while still tasting the alcohol on his tongue. Raw. Burning.

The plane bucked a strong wind. Outside there were lightings. 

"Well, they said we should not drink water from their fancy bathroom, who knows why, so I cared for my own alternative.“ he laughed with a raspy voice. Dimples and wrinkles were all over his face, he could easily play a role in a Hollywood movie. "I just hope we will soon make it through this storm so I can eat a full meal. I am damn hungry.“

"Oh“ Andrew smiled and grabbed a small package of crisps from under his seat. "For you.“ He handed it over to the man, who took it thankfully "I guess, I am not the only one here who is used to surviving.“

This whole situation felt like it would happen in a TWD scene. 

Andrew could not help but answering in a Rick voice:“We are lost alone, together we are stronger.“

Outside again a lightning, then they heard the thunder even in the cabin.


	50. A life without fears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: The next 2 chapters contains flight and turbulences. Please skip that part, if you don't want to read about that.

The old man ignored it and asked:“So, who is waiting for you, after all this has come to a good end, which I am convinced, it will. You look like someone from the newspaper maybe, but no worry, a good one. Let me guess, you worked in Lissabon and now go back to your loved ones who must be from London but living in Atlanta?“

Andrew wanted to say "My family is waiting“, but then paused. There was no need to lie to this man, who did not seem to know, who Andy was. 

"You know what? …. I guess no one“ he stated and tried to look unimpressed by saying that out loud. 

"But you wish there was someone. Someone special, right?“ the old man asked with a tone, that these people in movies had, who are old and wise. Cause he was old and wise. 

"It is….complicated, Jacob.“ Andrew smiled at him but it was that kind of smile you give when you don’t want to burden other people with your shit.

"What I come to know about relationships after that many years I am on this earth is, that things are often very easy. But people choose the complicated way. Because of the fear of others, because of fearing themselves. They fear their own feelings.“

By saying that, the old man did not look directly to Andrew, it was more like they would sit on a park bench and talk about the weather. Two strangers. 

'Maybe that’s what I needed the whole time. Talk with someone who is not involved in all this.' Andrew thought.

"Now I better go back to my Lissy, she is even one year older than I am, 82, but if she does not know where I am and start to worry, she gets so full of energy and anger that you better be home in time.“ He laughed, stood up and shook Andrew’s hand. "It was nice to meet you, keep that bottle, I keep that snack, Lissy hates it when I drink.“ 

Andrew couldn’t say anything, he just nodded and in a blink of an eye, Jacob was gone.

The plane was shaking.

Andrew looked at the flask. 

'Drink!‘ his mind shouted. But he did not want to. 

He wanted something else.

He wanted to get out.

He wanted to start a life without fears.

He wanted to taste different things, try different things. 

He wanted passion, love, honesty.

He wanted to see his friends.

He wanted to see Norman.

Go on a hike with him.

\- „Ladies and Gentleman, your captain speaking, we are getting in some turbulences, again. Please fasten your seatbelt and do not leave your place.“ -

Taste the strange flavored ice-cream he eats every time.

Visit a concert with him, a punk underground band from New York.

He wanted to experience another prank, and another, just to see Norman laugh. 

He wanted glitter in his beard because his own prank did go wrong.

He wanted to hug this man.

\- "Cabin crew, please take your seats as well.“ -

To feel his support, feel the strong shoulders.

He wanted to watch movies with him.

\- The plane started to shake and did not stop. Andrew closed his eyes -

He wanted all the others to say that they have a bromance. He liked the fact, that other saw how close they were. 

He wanted them to say that they have a special relationship.

He wanted them to gossip about them holding hands.

He wanted to hold Norman’s hand.

He wanted Norman.

He.

Wanted.

Norman.

\- The plane dropped, people started to scream -

Norman.

Norman

Normsky.

\- Oxygen masks were dropping -

Norman.

Matilda.

Arthur.

Norman.

Matilda.

Arthur.

Norman.

Norman.


	51. Allow

"All they say is that the plane is still in the air. They can locate them. That’s all.“ Greg was very angry when he came back. 

Norman stood up:“We have to do something, man!“

Greg struggled to say:“I also want to do something…but we can’t…we can’t help them here.“

He looked desperate and sat down.

Norman saw, that he was very pale. He handed him a Coke, that he bought in a shop near the waiting area. It felt like a marathon to go there, but he made it.

Greg drank and burried his head in his hands. Through the palms he said:“Did you reach Gael?“

"2 minutes ago.“

It was a very strange conversation. Norman did not know what to say so he talked around the topic. His language was wishy-washy, Gael thought he was drunk. After she realized, that that was not the case, she went very stiff, asking about the plane, weather conditions and so on, that she somewhere read where the fuel tanks were in a plane. 

She did not talk about Andrew or the breakup. She sounded worried but very collected. 

'So that means they really are both through with each other? She cares for him as the father of her children but not as her husband anymore.‘ Norman thought. 

Still it felt very weird, cause after all they spend so much lifetime together, why was Gael not affected more by this?

It was a short conversation where at the end Norman promised to call, when he got news.

Norman wanted to tell Greg a different story, but he simply couldn’t. The long flight, the waiting, the worries - now was not time for continuing lying. ‘May Andy forgive me.“ Norman thought, while informing Greg about the breakup. 

"And that is for real?“ he asked.

"Yes man, both of them told me.“ Norman replied.

Greg was silent for a minute. Norman sat down to him. They both said nothing, sipping on their Cokes.

Then Greg stated:“So he is single now. Out in the field again.“

Norman was surprised by the joke and had to laugh: "I guess so.“

It was a relief to laugh, but Norman felt guilty right away.

YOU ARE SITTING HERE MAKING FUN WHILE ANDY MIGHT NEVER COME BACK! his brain shouted.

He closed his eyes so hard that it hurt and tried to distract himself with happy thoughts.

When he comes back, I will call him motherfucker.

When he comes back, I will hug him and not stop.

When he comes back, I will kiss him on his cheek.

I will go through his hair and make it messy.

I will carry his suitcase.

He can come to my house.

I can cook for him.

I can care.

I want to care.

I want to care for him.

I want him to be safe.

I want him to be close to me.

I want him to want to be close to me.

I want his hand in mine when we like to.

I want to make him laugh and take pictures of it.

I want to tell him that I need him and that he should never leave.

And in that moment Norman realized it: What had hold him back to think these thoughts were guilt.

Guilt because of Gael. Because of Andy’s family.

Now when they seem to have broken up, this feeling was gone.

Norman felt free, not free to show his full affection, but at least free to give his own feelings space.

And right here, at the airport in Atlanta, tired, dirty, mentally and physically broken, nothing else mattered anymore. 

Only the sensation of inviting your feelings in, not retain them. Giving space. 

To allow himself to …

to love this man.

\- Thinking that, made Norman excited. Butterflies came back. Norman felt alive. 

When he comes back, I will tell him that I love him.

He must know that I love him.

He won’t respond to my feelings, but that is okay. 

I just want him to know that I love him.

He has to come back.

He has to know it!

\- In this moment people at the desk were screaming, everything was getting hectic and loud. 

Norman opened his eyes and looked at Greg. 

Fear. 

In a rush they stood up and ran to the gate.


	52. Hope

"The plane crashed, there are no survivors.“

Norman knew, with hearing that one sentence, his life could end. It could. What else was there to live when Andrew was…..

When they arrived at the counter they saw people crying.

But there faces were light up.

Hope. 

Something that grows from one moment to another. 

First you have nothing and then you have this little plant looking out of the soil, ready to be nurtured. 

And you would press all the water out of your body to do it, if neccessary.

"What has happened?“ Greg asked a woman who must been in their 30s, face covered in tears.

"They made it through it!“, she said in excitement, "They made it through the storm!“ 

Norman looked at Greg and they both said nothing but hugged each other in relief. Greg was sobbing, Norman had felt tears on his own dropping down his face.

They heard one of the staff members shout:“Arrival in 5 minutes, Arrival in 5 minutes!“ 

And everyone started cheering madly.

Then suddenly someone tapped Norman on the shoulder. He parted from Greg, turned around and saw a teenager before him.

"Oh my God Norman Reedus! Hey Mum, look, it’s Daryl!“ 

Suddenly the people in the crowd realized, who they were.

Greg stormed to one of the employees and Norman, who was already surrounded by people, could see that he gave him money and talked to him. Then he came back.

"I am sorry but we have to go now“ he said to the crowd and took Norman with him out of the area. 

The teenagers, who were glad about the distraction, let them go and focused again on the gate.

"That was close.“ Norman said, "Where are we going? We need to stay here, ANDY IS COMING!“ He stood still.

Greg pointed towards a door with a flight company member before it. "Let’s go this way, there will be no fans.“

They walked to the door, the man was just ending a call and now spoke to them: 

"Mr. Reedus, Mr. Nicotero, we can help you, but due to safety reasons we can only allow one person to the floor."

Norman wanted to protest but Greg said "Thank you very much, Mr. Reedus will go.“

Norman looked at him, Greg smiled, Norman nodded. 

The employee opened the door, Norman entered and found himself alone in a dark floor. Only one lightbulb was burning. 

Instantly, Norman felt like he was on the filmset of WD. 

At the end of the floor, he went upstairs, it was the only option. 

Then another door. 

Locked. 

„Dammit!“ he shouted. 

ANDREW ANDREW ANDREW

He turned around and in a corner he made out a door, that could easily been overseen. He tried it - it worked.

After that he found himself in a huge, grey looking meeting conference room, that he passed by. 

'The man said I should wait in a floor, so not here‘ Norman remembered from the short conversation he had with the employee.

He entered another corridor, but this one, must have been a more official, public one, at least for staff. 

The wall of the floor to the right and left was made of glass. 

Norman felt a bit more free here, it was the first glance at the outside world that he got for hours. The sun was shining and although he was at an airport, there were no people in this area. He looked down, the corridor was almost like built in the air, connecting the parts of the buildings like a bridge. It was a long corridor, 'The staff must use cars here, no one walks this road’ Norman thought.

Suddenly he heard footsteps far away, but they were coming closer. 

Someone was coming along the floor.

Norman instantly grabbed behind him to reach for his crossbow, then realized that this was reality.

And then, the man appeared at the end of the corridor. 

He was still very far away but Norman knew him, when he saw him right away.

Andrew Lincoln.


	53. Run to you

_Andrew's view. Before:_

They told Andrew to take this floor, so he said Yes. He didn’t even ask more questions, he was just happy, so overly happy to be alive. 

To be able to walk out of the plane, his legs almost couldn’t hold his body anymore, he was shaking, but to feel the earth under his feet, was like winning the jackpot or even more, having found the water of eternal life. 

Althought he was weak, he was strong-willed. 

He had a mission, he knew what to do. 

He knew who to visit. 

He knew who to hug and never let go.

One day before, it would have felt strange for him. But now he was like new-born. He had promised himself while that dark hours on that flight, if he would come out alive, he would share love like confetti. 

Not only to his kids, but to one special person: 

Norman.

While he was walking along, suitcase pulled behind him, he grabbed out his phone and turned it on. 

'That bloody thing needs ages! Maybe I will even start to use a smartphone. Norman would like that‘ Andrew thought with a smile. 

Where was his friend now? On his way home to NY? In another plane? 

Andrew just hoped that he would be somewhere around in Georgia, riding his bike or visiting his Burger Shop. So that Andy did not have to enter a plane, again. 

He would not be able to, not today. After all, he did not develop a fear of flying, maybe he was really used to surviving and extreme situations, but he was simply not in the medical condition to sit or go through such a torture again.

He was happy to put one feet in front of the other and was daydreaming about his first shower. 

And his bed. 

He would even sleep in his trailer at the set, he did not care. 

He turned around a corner and was surprised to find himself in a glass corridor, sun was coming though the windows, an open huge space. Andrew found it absolutely pretty. 

He was squished in that plane like sardines in a tin of oil for more than 24 hours. 

Space to walk around and light were his best friends now.

Suddenly he realized from afar, that a man was walking towards him. 

He stopped.

Sun was dazzling him so he put one hand as a shield right above his eyes.

And like an angel, he saw Norman Reedus coming closer. 

\----

_Norman's view:_

ANDREW! 

Norman wanted to shout, wanted to run, wanted to scream.

But he remained silent, since he saw that Andy did not move as well.

And after all, this was not the Bodyguard movie, right?

He could not run, he was not Andy's wife.

BUT THEY ARE NOT TOGETHER ANYMORE

his brain shouted.

'Right, I can think these thoughts. I could start running, right now, who cares? This is my best friend, I love him, no one will stop me to hug him to death.‘

Norman smiled and wanted to start jogging, but right in that second, his phone rang.

Usually, he would just led it slip but what if Andy was calling right now from afar? 

What if he also could not wait to get to him?

Norman hearts jumped and he felt on top of the world.

He reached for his phone and -

GAEL CALLING?

Norman hesitated.

Everything now happened in seconds.

Norman panicked. This moment was so perfect, he did not want to ruin it. And also he had to inform Gael, maybe Greg could not reach her like they discussed before Norman went through that door. Gael deserved to know what was going on. He would just tell her the news and then say that Andy would call back. That sounded like a good, fast plan.

"Gael, hey, did Greg call you?“

"No, Norman, any news?“ Her voice sounded now so different, almost like shrieking.

"YES! Andy is here, the plane landed, everything is good you hear me, Gael, everything is good!“ 

Norman felt happy feeling her the good news. All would be okay now.

"Oh my god Norman! Oh my God!“ she repeated over an over totally in relief.

"Listen Gael, I am sure he will call you…when he is ready. He...just landed, haven't...talk to to him myself.“

"I called him but his phone is off, listen Norman, you have to do me a favour….oh God I am so happy!“ She was sobbing through the speaker. „Norman you have to help me.“

Norman was looking at the man in the distance, his best friend.

He did not want to stand here and make a phone call, but it was Gael after all. 

"Everything sweetie.“ Norman said, while not taking his eyes off Andrew.

The man started to move, again, now faster. 

It was like Andrew Lincoln was running towards him. Of course it was not real running, more a fast walking, because even from afar Norman could see how weak Andy was. But the man left his suitcase were it was and started to shorten the distance between them, again.

Norman’s heartbeat was so fast, he felt the butterflies all over and if he would not have that damn speaker in his hands, he would through up his arms and spread them out and run towards Andy, too. 

He did not care if this was „his style“ or not. 

Andy almost died. 

Norman was ready for everything now. 

He burst out in tears like a baby but they were tears of joy.

He started to walk faster.

ANDREW

"Norman, you there?“ Gael asked.

"Oh yeah, yeah.“ Norman said in a rush. "How can I help you? Listen I have to stop phoning.“

He was now jogging. 

He could see Andrews face now, clearly, his body, his shape, his friend was coming closer and so were Norman.

"Of course. Norman, just tell Andrew one thing, would you do that?“

"Sure.“ 

The men were now in eyeshot, just a few more steps and Norman could fall into Andys arms.


	54. Sirens

_Andrews’s view:_

He could not help but walking faster. 

IT IS NORMAN! 

He had to tell him everything, had to collapse in his arms. 

Norman needed to know how much he loved him. 

Love, a word he could not define right now. What kind of love? The answer was far more outside his comfort zone that he ever imagined. But it was love, the love he knew. The love where you want to share everything with another person and take care and love every bit of it.

NORMAN HAD WAITED FOR HIM. All the hours. 

All the time. 

He could make out his face expression from afar, he looked so worried but relieved. 

He saw him smiling. 

He saw tears on his face. 

He’s never seen him cry before.

In Andrew’s mind both of them would collide like in that Muse song, like a neutron star collision. 

Their hug would even be more strong, more deep, more soul to soul that the one when Daryl released himself from Negan. 

It would be the longest hug in history. 

But suddenly, he saw Norman pick up his phone. 

He stopped.

What was happening, was he calling him? He checked for his own, but could not log in since the battery was too low. The screen went black.

Norman was talking to someone on the phone, but held eye contact all the time. Andrew was not angry at all, he started to laugh. 'Norman, even in a situation like this he is glued to his phone‘ Andrew thought. 'Oh Norman, my Normsky‘.

They were now 50 meters (*164 feet) away from each other. 

Andrew felt like he had survived this whole thing, only to get this reward now. 

Norman and him, alone. 

Both happy.

NORMAN.

——

_Norman’s view:_

"Gael I really have to end this call, how can I help you?“ Norman said in a hurry, again.

Now Andrew was so close, that he did not care anymore about Gael. He was starting to put his phone away from his ears - but then Gael spoke again:

"Tell him that I love him. Tell him that everything was a mistake. I want him back. I want back in his life. I love him so much and the kids do as well. TELL HIM THAT I LOVE HIM, PLEASE NORMAN. PLEASE HELP ME TO GET HIM BACK“ 

The sirens. 

Here they were again. 

They wanted to kill him with their melodies, Norman knew that. 

But before he could try to escape, he ended as their victim. 

He heard the sounds from their voices... and everything from then on, was him being a mute servant, not remembering the life before.

\- In the back he heard Matilda and Arthur talking to Gael "Mum, is this Dad? Can we speak to him? We miss him!" followed by crying -

Not remembering the vows he made to himself, to flee the island.

Not remembering the vow he made under the stars, the vow of never leaving his best friend, again. His love. 

"Yes" he just said like a robot. 

And hung up.

He forgot, that he was a sailor.

He forgot, that his ship wrecked on the rocks while he was lured in by the melodies.

He forgot, to built a new ship.

He forgot, that he was able to built a new one.

He forgot, why he should built a new one.

His memory was deleted. 

He did not know his own identity anymore.

He was a voiceless object, a forgotten prop, laying somewhere in a trunk in an old theatre, that no one visited anymore. 

That no one used anymore. 

He was useless.

Only used by those, who misused him.

And by thinking that, Andrew Lincoln arrived at him.


	55. To balance out the Bro in Bromance

Andrew knew right away, that something was wrong.

From afar, Norman had looked very happy and joyful.

But, when Andrew arrived at him, his friend seemed to be very still, apathic, like someone or something misplaced him there.

Andrew, who had felt so confident before, did not know how to begin. 

So he just said:

“Norman.“

It was his serious voice. 

No hugs. 

No confession. 

Just two weirdos, two wrecks, standing there.

Andrew looked at his friend.

NORMAN. 

He wanted to hug him so bad but couldn’t. The other man seemed to look back to him, but more like he would see completely through him.

“Norman, is everything okay?“

Andrew started to worry. 

Maybe something happened with or to his friend, while he was in the plane, struggling for his own life?

“Y- your-“ Norman coughed. His voice sounded far away. "Your wife loves you.“

“What?“ 

“She says she loves you and she wants you back.“

“Oh. Okay.“

Andrew looked at the floor in confusion. 

Why was Norman talking about Gael?

She wanted him back?

‘MATILDA. ARTHUR.’ The faces of his children were coming up in his mind. 

“Kids alright? You know something?“ Andrew asked very quickly. He had the urge to call his children, but he knew, not in this condition and not to that time.

“They miss you as well.“ Norman said like a robot.

Then silence.

And more silence.

Andrew studied Norman’s face. His eyes. They were glassy. He had cried. 

“You waited all the time?“

“With Greg.“ Norman continued in his neutral tone.

“Well“ Andrew said to say something. 

Anything.

Then, like Norman would wake up from a deep coma, he gained back some human expressions. 

“You like me to take your suitcase? We have to take this way.“ Norman offered and pointed with a hand gesture behind him. The gesture looked very strange, like Norman was half-dead.

Andrew did not want to leave this place, although he was so, so tired. He had the feeling that, if they left, everything would be even worse in the future.

Being next to each other, without talking.

Missing each other, but only talking about it in interviews.

Not being able to be honest, to put on a show, to balance out the "Bro“ in „Bromance“.

Again, Andrew had to restrain the feeling to just let go and hug Norman. But the situation felt so serious, so sad, so much like giving-up, that he could not make a move.

It made him angry, for a second he wanted to scream or to destroy something. 

Destroy himself. Or Norman. He closed his eyes.

“Sure.“ Andrew said.

Norman picked up his suitcase and Andrew was thankful for it. His knees still shaky. 

They both walked very slowly, Norman before Andrew. No one said a word. Norman guided him through the floor, through the meeting room, through another floor. 

For Andrew, it felt like they were at the WD set. But this time, Rick was the one who got beaten up and Daryl was in the leading role.

Before he opened the last door, Norman said: “I’m glad that you are unharmed.“ He did not turn around to say it. Andrew wished, he did.

Outside in the public airport floor, the mood of the situation changed suddenly, when Greg spotted them.

„ANDREW! COME HERE!“ He hugged him like there was no tomorrow. Andrew slowly hugged him back. 

Finally, he started to feel a little bit more welcomed, a little bit more like it mattered, that he survived the storm and the flight turbulences. 

Even Norman seemed to light up a bit. Andrew could see that, because while he was hugging Greg, he glanced at Norman.

HOW I WISH, WE COULD DO THIS RIGHT NOW, he thought.

He send Norman a look full of unfulfilled hopes, desires and love. 

Norman seemed to realize it, but then looked down.


	56. Just Andy

‘My heart will explode like a bomb….just a few seconds more…' Norman thought. ‚Right here, right now, it will explode. And everyone will have to clean that shit up. All the arteries and blood and skin scraps. Someone would have to call the airport cleaner team.‘

It was a mixture of hate, anger, love and jealousy. 

Norman was slowly coming to himself, again. 

THAT SHOULD BEEN MY CHEEK. Norman thought, while Andrews cheekbones touched the one from Greg.

‘Andy is MY best friend.’

Oh how everything went wrong, jumping out of the frying pan into the fire.

Norman was, again, just a pawn in the big play between Andrew and Gael. No one could compete against their love, soon Andrew would return to exactly this airport and fly back to her.

Like in a Disney movie.

That’s what Disney love movies are about, aren’t they?

Norman did not grew up with Disney. He knew the lion king and jungle book, but nothing more. And for the lion king, he never watched it till the end, cause at that day, the electricity was turned off. So for him, the movie ended with Scar killing Mufasa and Simba running away.

His childhood contained more of watching a lot of Action movies. His mother was at work and his father nowhere. He had no siblings to put him in his place. The babysitters resigned one after another because kid Norman would always cause trouble. Mostly it had to do with fire or running away.

The Walking Dead family was his personal „Happy End“, at least he thought so. Cause where he found love, he also found out, that the love he gave to Andrew, could never be returned. In the way he wanted to.

He often struggled to find find out, what exactly he wanted from his friend. What was the difference between the two? What was stopping him from being 100% satisfied? 

When he thought ‚love‘ he always tried to convince himself to think about bromance love.

Then he believed, he had a problem with not always getting the most attention from Andrew. The fear to loose his friendship, just because he was talking to someone else. But it was more than that, it was deeper. 

Because even when they were alone, when Norman had Andrew "for himself“, he never had him per definition. 

Of course, he did not want to own him like Negan did with the saviors. Norman hated that. 

But he never had 100% of his friend, although they were literally soulmates.

There was always a part of Andrew - even when they were sitting in Norman’s trailer watching old movies - which was far away in London, in that old brick house with the white willow tree in the garden. With his family. With Gael. With her smile, her scent, her body, her taste, her thoughts, her laugh. That’s what Norman imagined.

Although he felt like in the last years Andrew had lost more and more the connection to this place. To her. 

And now she was asking him, Norman Reedus, for help.

He knew, that Gael did not only ask him for delivering her message, but convincing his best friend to return to her and the family.

She did not do that because she was a bad person, but because she was in love. Because she knew, how much influence Norman could have on her husband.

That was the problem, Gael trusted him, while Norman was in reality the bad guy. 

HE was the one, who starred at Andrew’s lips, asking himself how soft they were.

HE was the one, wanting to spend every second with him and being pissed when he left to England. 

HE was the one, who was doing mixtapes for her husband, with old blues songs about love and loss.

Norman decided: He had to help her, that was the least he could do. 

Greg and Andrew parted. Greg said with teary eyes:“ I have informed the others from the crew. That you are….safe now. They all send you much love and kisses. And they agreed to leave you alone for the next days. At least they promised to not call you. But you can always reach out…“ 

Andrew nodded. They started walking to the airport exit, Norman continued carrying Andrew’s suitcase. At least, he had something to do.

Greg continued: “Do you have a plan where to go tonight? Shari and the kids are waiting in our summer apartment in the city.“ 

Andrew replied with a weak voice:“No, no, … you go there and see your family. I will sleep in the trailer.“

“You will not“ Norman interrupted the conversation, "You will come with me. I have plenty of room and it’s only a one hour drive from here.“

Although the situation between them was more than tensed and complicated, he did not want to leave his friend alone now. 

How could he after all?

Andrew looked at him. It was a strange look, one of mistrust and hope at the same time.

Norman continued: “And it’s Saturday, so the Farrang has super spicy Pad Thai today. 2 meals for 1. Delivery included“ Norman added.

For the first time, Andrew smiled.

“I could eat a whole Farrang by myself.“ he joked, "and I hope they have Chang. A lot of it.“ 

Normal and Greg laughed.

THIS GUY!

After all this, being a total wreck, Andrew could make the whole group laugh, giving them hope to continue on their way.

Rick Grimes move, everyone would say.

But for Norman, it was just Andy. 

Andy being his wonderful self, that made Norman’s world turn upside down.


	57. British humor

After they said goodbye to Greg and went to a shop to buy some drinks and snacks for the drive, Norman organized a driver to pick them up. 

When they were sitting in the huge van and driving outside the city to the countryside of Atlanta, Norman peeked outside the window and was blinded by the light.

It was now late afternoon but the sun was still out there, still grilling everyone who was dumb enough to go outside without sun protection.

Norman wondered, why Andrew did not take a nap after all.

‚Must be the bright sun, he cannot sleep during the day.“ Norman thought.

His friend was looking outside, not saying a word. Only once he reached for his phone and called Gael. 

“Hi….yes…don’t cry…don’t…yes I’m ok….no I don’t want to go to the doctor…I need some food and rest..yeah…“ he said that with a friendly voice but one could hear the strange distance. „I need to rest….you too…tell the kids I love em. I…miss them…..Norman? Yeah I stay at his house, …he said that….yes he said that….Gael, I really need to rest now…ok…talk to you…bye“

Then he hung up.

Norman did not look at his direction, he acted uninterested.

It was enough to listen to their on-off-romance, he did not need to comment it. After all, he was in any case the outsider.

——-

Arriving at his house with his best friend felt surreal for Norman. 

Even when they were shooting for the WD, Andrew did never visit him here. 

„This is your holy place, the shrine of the Normsky, I am to unworthy to put my filthy shoe in your door.“ he once said in his best American slang imitation.

Norman never understood, why exactly Andy did not come, they shared his trailer everyday anyway. But maybe it was like a border, Andrew did not want to cross.

But today was clearly different. His fried was a mess and Norman wanted to take care of him.

When he opened the door and both stepped in - Norman carrying both of their suitcases, Andrew closing the door behind them - Norman felt how his body, that had been tensed all the time, relaxed. His friend must have felt the same way, since he sighed loud. 

"That is my signal to call the restaurant“ Norman said, while Andy sat on the coach.

20 minutes later - Norman paid double for the fast delivery - they both sat in front of the TV, ate, and watched an old episode of the Simpsons. They did that even before the food came, cause then, no one had to talk. 

But even then, Norman realized, how difficult it was not to get back in the "best friends forever vibe" they would always have, while for example watching TV together. 

'Gael, what about helping Gael?' Norman asked himself in his mind. 

Then Andrew laughed about something Lenny, the buddy of Homer Simpson, said. 

For Norman it was ridiculous, because it wasn't even funny. Maybe this was the British humor that Norman could not make out but what mattered was that Andy laughed and that sounded so good to Norman, that he felt more "home" than he ever did when being here alone.

BUT YOU PROMISED GAEL....Norman thought and felt guilty.

But then Andrew made a sound while eating, that Norman hated and at the same time he loved it, because his best friend was next to him and there were only the two of them, this jerk here laughing about jokes that were not funny and making strange sounds.

For nothing in this world Norman would leave this scenery or bring down his friend's mood.

And it was super hard to not stare at Andrew all the time. 

YOU DUMBASS, STOP IT' Norman thought, but was too fascinated not to do it. 

He just prayed that his friend did not realize it. 

That he loved to observe his facial expressions, his hair, his neck, his hands. 

Everything.


	58. You know nothing

After they were filled up and Andrew drank 2 bottles of water and no beer like he had announced, „I am so thirsty, although I did not pick the spicy meal.“, Norman slowly began to long for the shower. 

And what a bad host he was that he forgot to offer it to his friend!

"Don’t worry“ Andrew replied, when Norman mentioned it, "Although I am a skunk, food was more important. But I would love to shower now.“ 

"Of course man, follow me.“ Norman stood up and went upstairs.

Andrew stood up as well and began singing a silly melody, while going upstairs as well.

"What were you singing?“ Norman shouted from the bedroom, while he was getting some towels.

"If I coooould, then I woooould, I go wherEVER you will go“ Andrew sang again.

"Come on you jerk, seriously? The Calling? That was when, 100 years ago? And they made it to the UK yes?“ Norman asked with a smile.

Andrew acted so differently than before, full of energy. Like, when filming a scene.

"You have no idea Norman, you know nothing.“ Andrew laughed, while Norman was coming out of the bedroom and throwing a towel to him, which Andy did not catch. 

"John Snow.“ Norman added, fetching for the towel on the ground and giving it to his friend.

"What was that?“ Andrew asked.

They both went to the bathroom and stopped before it.

"The correct sentence is: You know nothing, John Snow.“ Norman said.

"So, you are the bastard I guess and I am the wildling? Something must be wrong here.“ Andrew smiled.

"Oh no no, it is exactly like th-“ Norman could not finish his sentence because Andrew had taken off his own shirt.

His body was toned. 

Norman could not help but notice that. Way more than he wanted to.

He looked so good in just jeans and socks.

And now he was starting to take off even more clothes. Norman turned around and started to adjust a picture on the wall. 

HOW OLD ARE YOU, YOU JERK? Norman thought to himself.

Of course he had seen Andrew many times half naked. 

But today, was different. Something in this whole scene felt so much more private than usual, more intimate, more like .....

A DATE, Norman thought, but then tried to suppress it. YOU ARE FRIENDS MAN, FRIENDS! his brain shouted.

"You know that they took a bath together, right?“ Andrew asked from behind him and laughed.

Norman held his breath. His cheeks turned red.

IS HE FLIRTING WITH ME? Norman thought. 

„I—i—-„

He was stuttering, he wanted to say something funny, but he was searching for words. 

He was too slow for the response, Andrew had already gone to the bathroom and put on the shower.

He heard him shout with his British accent: "I don’t think I will ever leave this place but if I will, maybe you can give me an old shirt. I can wear black.“

Norman laughed again at the GoT reference and went back to the bedroom and turned on the light. 

He suddenly felt much better, now that Andrew was feeling well and the strange tension between them was gone. 

He searched his wardrobe and put out a white shirt and black boxers. It belonged Andrew. 

Norman once stole the clothes of his friend, so he had to drive home with set clothes and a lot of feathers on it, one of the recent pranks. 

That evening he took Andy’s shirt with him and placed it next to him in the bed. He did not feel like a psycho, maybe for a second, but then he remembered he had seen this in many movies, people did things like that when they would miss someone like hell. 

After a few days he was afraid, that Andrew would want to claim his clothes back. So he put everything in the washing machine, washed and dried it. But his friend never mentioned it again, so he put the things in a special shelf in his wardrobe. Now it was a good time to give it back.

Suddenly he heard a sound from the bathroom, like someone had fallen down.

He rushed to the room and knocked on the door:"ANDREW?“

A weak voice, coming from inside: "Ee-e-verything good Norman, I just.......need a moment.“

"ANDREW, I’M COMING IN!“

Silence.

Norman was too worried to let it go. He slowly opened the door and stepped in.

Andrew, wearing a huge white towel around his waist, was lying on the blue bathroom tiles. 

He was awake. He even smiled. 

But he cried.


	59. What mattered

_Andrew's view:_

It was all too much. Too much.

Plane.  
Storm.  
Thunder.  
Crying.  
Screaming people.  
Die.  
I don't want to die.  
Gael.  
The kids.  
Norman.  
Greg.  
Portugal.  
Jeffrey.  
Plane.  
Storm.  
Thunder.  
Oxigen masks.  
Screams.  
The kids.  
Norman.  
Norman. 

Andrew had his breakdown, while singing in the shower. Then he slowly tried to get up, but couldn’t. So he crawled out of the shower, catching a towel that was in a low shelf and wrapped it around his body. It felt so exhausting like climbing the Mount Everest.

His body must have hold on to the energy until the very last second, before he could not work anymore. 

He hadn’t slept for 2 days. Or rest. 

He hadn’t been alone for 2 days. 

Voices. Everywhere voices. And noise. And then his own voice. Singing. Pretending, everything was okay. When it wasn’t.

It was all too much. Too much.

——  
_Norman's view:_

"ANDREW,please let me help you.“ Norman’s heart cracked. Seeing his friend suffer was the worst. He went on his knees and helped him up. He supported him and Andy did not say a word. He looked paler than before, Norman had never seen him this exhausted. 

But still, Andrew quickly wiped away his tears, like he wanted to "man-up" before Norman.

It was an awkward silence, till Andrew said:"Now what you fool." 

So Norman decided to act like he did not see the crying and suggested:"Guest room."

They wanted to reach the guest room, which was on the same floor but at the end of the corridor. Andrew almost fell down again, Norman was also very weak and knew, they would not make it. 

So he decided to change plans and they went to his own bedroom. He could sleep then elsewhere. 

He guided Andrew, who had his eyes closed, to his bed and his friend sat down. Norman brought the clothes and Andrew put it on with his last strength. Norman did not help with the boxers, when he saw that his friend was able to put it on by himself. He turned around for a second and turned off the light, then he turned around again - Andrew was now dressed - and put on the small light on his nightstand. It was a very soft light, very dark but comfortable.

"Now lay down“ Norman commanded, but in a worried tone.

Andrew was already falling into the sheets. Norman covered him with the blanket.

Here he was. Andrew Lincoln. At his home. In his bed. Cuddled up.

It was a sight for the Gods.

"I will quickly shower, then I will look after you again.“ Norman whispered to his friend.

He left the room backwards, with wrinkles on his forehead. 

IS ANDY REALLY OK? SHOULD I CALL A DOCTOR?

Norman decided against it, since he knew, that Andy just must have been completely tired but since his friend was at his home, Norman made sure that he drank and ate enough and now he should get rest.

The shower was quick but felt like being newborn.

The warm water, the dropping sound,….for a moment Norman could simply breathe.

He washed his body, his hair, he smelled the fragrance of his freshening herbs shower gel. 

Then he stepped out of the shower.

He was clean now, his skin felt good.

But he felt like he could breakdown as well. Giving his body the opportunity to relax must have had the same effect to his friend before.

Norman had taken his own blue shirt and black boxer with him in the bathroom, so he quickly put them on.

For his hair he just dried them very quickly with a small towel. He switched off the lights and went to the floor, then into the bedroom. He quietly closed the door behind him and went to the bed. 

Andrew had closed his eyes but tried to open it when Norman came in.

"Norm…“

"Shhshh.., Andy I’m here.“ 

Norman could not help but sit on the bedside.

Andrew was lying in his bed and looked like an angel. 

An angel with a beard.

'Who said angels must have a specific look, a specific gender, anyway?' Norman thought.

"Normsky…“ Andrew whispered.

Hearing his nickname, Norman had the urge to lay down as well. Not only because he felt ready to drop, but because he wanted to be closer to Andy.

His skin, his heart, his fingers, everything wanted to feel Andrew’s next to him.

Norman tried to blend out the voice of his father, "WHAT ARE YOU?“ and slowly succeeded. 

I AM WHO I AM.

He lied down, next to his friend, next to Andrew Lincoln, Rick Grimes. Andy.

Andy was here, everything was good. 

Norman started to breathe more relaxed, he even closed his eyes.

"Norm“ Andrew started again, talking almost in the pillow.

Norman opened his eyes "Yes Andy?“

His heart skipped a beat.

"No bath-sharing today for the bastard and the wildling.“ Andrew said with his last energy and smiled.

"Son of a bitch.“ Norman whispered.

Then he switched off the light.

He was so happy, he was so nervous, he was overwhelmed. 

Gael? He was too hyped, to think negative thoughts. 

But he was also too tired, to be fully aware of the situation. 

To fully understand, that they were sleeping in the same bed. In his bed. 

All he knew was, that Andy was with him. Next to him. 

That was, what mattered. 

What always have been mattered. 

And what always would matter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is not the end of the story ;)


	60. Number 1 rule

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone. It's time that this story finally finds an end :) I suggest to read the story again to get that vibe back, because huge things are about to happen.....Much love to all of you <3

Andrew woke up. 

It was a slow waking up. 

The one where you feel very comfortable, vey warm, very safe. 

Where you still feel drowsy, but well rested. 

Where you don’t think too much, because your brain only just started to defrost a long sleeping-mode. 

As if someone would stride through the floors of a huge, old castle, enter each room and open the curtains with a tranquility, that you see very rarely in the modern, busy times.

Andrew did not want to open his eyes. Not yet. 

He rolled over to the left side and snuggled into the blanket. 

‘Sleep is such a sweet thing’ he thought.

But while he thought that, he realized that it was too late: He was awake. No turning back into the pastel fog. 

In a matter of seconds, his perception alarmed him: 

That blanket, that mattress, that silence…he was not at home…not in a hotel….

Then his memory came back:

Norman….the plane….Gael…the kids….the plane….sweaty people, screaming people…..thunder….the Simpsons…..bathroom floor….Norman….Norman’s bed.

How did the evening end? 

He couldn’t remember.

Andrew opened his eyes - it was very bright, so it must have been midday - and turned his head.

No Norman in sight. 

'He must be downstairs’ Andrew guessed. ‘Maybe the guest roo-’ Andrew’s mind jumped from one thought to another. A flashback hit him. 

Norman, at the other side of the bed. Breathing calmly…..

Suddenly, Andrew heard a splash of water outside and then the sound of someone swimming.

He knew who it was.

The actor got up and sat on the bed for a while, mind racing, while outside he heard the noise of arms and legs, parting water.

Did the both of them sleep in one bed???

Did they…how close were they?

Andrew rubbed his head but could not remember anything else than him being super tired, hearing Norman’s breath, closing his own eyes and then…waking up.

After a few minutes, he felt ready to stand up, still feeling tired, but rested. What he needed now, was oxygen and to move his legs a bit. And answers. He needed answers.

“Oh look, Cinderella woke up!“ Norman shouted from the pool, when he realized Andrew was approaching, who was still wearing the clothes from yesterday.

“Can’t sleep when you try to imitate the whale of ‘Free Willy‘.“ Andy replied with a grin.

Norman smiled himself and swam to the pool ladder. He turned around, the back facing Andrew and with one, two, three strong steps, he climbed up. 

It lasted only seconds, but Andrew could not help but observe Norman’s muscles. 

It was not the first time.

At the peak of their bromance, around season 4, Norman send Andy gifs and pictures of old shots, where the younger actor did a lot of push ups at a pool.   
He also included the description: 

“Working out for you, what do YOU do for me?“

The British actor had to laugh, as always. But also, while looking at these pictures, he remembered why the fashion magazines always wanted to book his friend.   
Because he was a real model. He was trained. He had the looks. He was a mystery. 

Consequently at that day, the older actor sat down and typed in Google: “Andrew Lincoln pool“. 

Again, he had to laugh at the results. An old stock photo, him on some kind of platform over the water of a pool, in what he know would consider boring black jeans and boring maroon sweatshirt. He stood as stiff as someone could be and looked completely out of the frame, especially next to his co-stars. Like a lost school kid. And with every other shot of this shooting, it got worse. He send all of them via Mail to Norman with the subject < Baby Rick >. Norman mentioned that word once, it had to be some kind of modern internet language Andrew did not fully understand but in that case he thought it would fit very well. And it did, cause Norman called him right after and, like so often, they would talk for hours.

That was long ago, but the British actor could not help but think about it now, seeing Norman emerge from the water. 

His friend picked a towel that he had placed on the ground before, dried himself for a few seconds and then walked straight towards him. 

With every move, Andrew could see the toned body better, the wet hair, the small smile on the face of Norman.

He hated it, but he loved it. 

And he hated it, that he had to hate it somehow, to control his feelings. 

‘Think about that plane….what did you promise to yourself?‘ Andrew thought. 

Therefore, he accepted, that he got warm. That it did something to his body and mind.

That when Norman stood right there in front of him, his mouth felt dry, his heart beat faster. 

Single water drops ran down from Norman’s forehead, next to his nose, down his cheeks. 

One somehow made it to part into two drops, one down his neck, one straight to his mouth. 

Norman had a beautiful mouth. 

Andrew swallowed. 

‘God, why is it so hot here in Georgia?’ he asked himself.

But it was not even sunny that day, so why did his body react that way?

Andrew had the urge to bump against Norman’s shoulder, just do anything to relax himself and calm the situation down. 

But this was no prank, this was just Norman standing right in front of him, not doing anything, just being himself.

“I-I need to eat.“ Andrew stuttered and damned himself for acting this kind of Stone Age, short sentence, essential-need-communication behavior.

He was hungry, yes, but he did not know if any food in this world could satisfy that specific need.

Norman laughed again and replied:

“Well Princess, what about a royal breakfast? Or let’s say dinner, since it’s 3 pm.“

‘Finally he gives me a reason to do this‘ Andrew thought, while he nudged Norman’s shoulder.

But when he performed the movement, he someone made it softer than usual. 

For some reason, he thought of his friend as being not protected enough, having no shirt on. Although Andrew knew, that Norman and him had shared out several punches in the years, this situation was so different.

For the first time and despite the many muscles, Andrew saw Norman as a fragile human being that needed to be protected.

Maybe he knew it all along, maybe he acted that kind of way from the beginning, maybe that was exactly happening between Rick and Daryl: 

Protecting each other was their secret, but number 1 rule to follow.

As always, slow, gentle moments between them were somehow awkward. Someone always had to break it or act busy, act the part of the reasonable one. As always, it was Andy:

“Dinner sounds good, before I starve and then eat you up alive.“

Norman looked at him for a second, then he continued smiling, made a bow while stating: 

“It would be an honor, your grace.“


	61. Wonders

It was a very relaxing day. 

First, they went to Andrews trailer, where he quickly changed his clothes to dark grey shorts, blue shirt, and some sneakers - Norman wearing a band shirt, black shorts, old Vans. Then, they ate at Norman’s favorite Mexican restaurant and lastly made a small trip to the nearby woods of Atlanta. 

Norman on his bike, Andrew in his rented car. The British actor insisted on the car, because his body would tense up on a bike and after that horrible flight yesterday, he could think of better things.

They stopped driving at a hiking trail sign, got off their vehicles, took a small backpack with them with enough water and started to walk. Although Andrew was still tired, he liked to move for a while, breathing the fresh air of the forest, the meadows, feeling free, feeling happy to not sit in that damn plane. 

The friends did talk from time to time, about the last weeks, about the press stunt, Portugal, Andy’s time in Bath (he did not talk about his feelings tho), Norman’s trip with Jeffrey in Vegas, the photoshoot.

“So, you and Diane“ Andrew began, while walking, almost climbing up a small hill, looking ahead, “what’s going on between the two of you?“

He saw the pictures, he knew that they had an affair once, although Norman did rarely talk about it. 

Norman, being behind him, following his steps to the top, said: 

“I mean, she is Diane Kruger.“

Andrew wanted to say:“Yeah, she is awesome!“ but he couldn’t. Something in him refused to do it today, although he knew, that Diane was an amazing woman and that Norman deserved to be happy with her.

Today he was in a different, provoking mood. So he stopped climbing for a second, his hand holding a root - to balance his weight and to hold onto - and said over his shoulder:

“Yes, she is Diane Kruger. But does she has the famous Lincoln butt?“

And with that, he shook his ass a bit.

“Oh God Jesus, stop that Clutterbuck! You certainly did spend too much time in that Andrew Lincoln fan message board you told me about.“ Norman said in an amused tone. “Now move, before we both fall down this hill because of your need of self-display.“

When they arrived at the top, they first of all had to breathe, both standing there in a bent position, supporting their hands on their knees.

After they drank some huge amount of water, they were finally ready to enjoy the view.

‘And man, what a view’ Andrew noticed to himself.

It was not the Mount Everest they had crested, but it was high enough to see the small lakes in the distance, the forests, even a few hawks flying high,…majestically circling around the same spots and then letting themselves suddenly drift off onto the next wave, the next adventure.

It was so calm here. Green, thick grass, blossoming flowers everywhere. 

It felt far away from everyone, from every problem that bothered them.

“Oh my God a trumpet Creeper!“ Norman shouted.

Andrew turned to him in a rush, his heartbeat high. “A…WHAT? WHERE?“

Norman just pointed right next to them to the ground.

“LOOK ANDY!“

“Where?“ Andy bowed down to expect some kind of wild animal so he also picked up a stick from the ground.

“Don’t you see the Creeper? Here!“ 

And then Andrew saw what he meant. 

He burst out in laughter, stood straight up and said:

“Ooooh, so you mean the red wildflower? I did not know you are into botanics?“

“I just remember things that are cool, like the name of it. My grandma showed me one.“

Norman kneeled down and observed it. 

“Some people also call it Hellvine.“ He touched the blooms very carefully. “Usually they grow very high but these just started to come to life.“

Andrew was surprised. He always thought he could grasp the character of his friend someday, that someday, he would fully understand this man and his thoughts, his passions. 

But every time, Norman came up with another facet of his own, in his own, unique way.

That’s why he loved to spend time with him. 

One of many reasons.

He looked at Norman, the passion in his face about a single flower that had a creepy name. 

“You are full of wonders, Normsky.“

He just had to say it. It came straight out of his mouth, like a fact, that must be stated every day, because you and the world then would be reminded every single day how lucky you are to be blessed to know this man.

Norman stood up.

Andrew made a step towards Norman, coming closer, as close as they only stood when they did photoshoots. 

But here, there were alone. No cameras, no need to balance out the Bro in Bromance.

No need to stand close to each other, but here they were.

Here was, where Andrew wanted to be.


	62. Deer

“You are full of wonders, Normsky.“

Andrew really said that. And he really meant that. His look was so serious but his eyes yet so full of warmness, so welcoming.

If Norman could, he would jump right in.

He knew, that it was his turn to reply something witty now, but he could not think of a single joke. 

This felt too important. 

He could only think of fluffy words, butterfly letters escaping his mouth, flying, formatting two words:

“You too.“

For a long moment, no one said a word. 

Norman heard a small wind rising, gently blowing through the wildflowers, but besides that, he was not capable of realizing anything else.

He was too caught in looking at Andrew.

Like, when he woke up today.

He had seen his friend sleep before, at the WD set and in his own trailer. 

But not in his own bed.

It was different, intimate, close.

Because he himself, was placed right next to him.

He thanked God for waking up before Andy did and watched him breathe calmly for an hour.

He even wanted to take a picture of it, to have this moment available forever.

But it felt wrong.

Then slowly, the fear came back. 

WHAT WOULD HE SAY?

Would he be okay with him sleeping there as well?

He did not go to the guest room. He wanted to, but was simply too tired. 

That’s what he told himself.

But deep inside he knew, he could not leave this place, he wanted to be there for his friend, available every second. He wanted to be close to him. 

After a few minutes, he fell asleep, despite his nervousness. The day way simply to exhausting for him, as well.

He had only the morning. 

Close to Andy. 

Both in bed.

It was too much.

And then also, his rational thinking came back.

So he stood up and went straight into the pool.

It felt good to just function somehow.

After that, Andy was still asleep.

Therefore, Norman stayed downstairs and tried to keep himself busy.

He unpacked some things, quiet like a mouse.

Then he tried to read a book.

He did not even know what it was, because he could not concentrate.

He ate a small breakfast, but it was more because then he had something to do.

After a while, he went online, the Press already full with the flight and the famous actor in it. 

Fortunately, Andy had called his agent yesterday to give a small press statement, that he was okay and that he would be in the States because of finances and estate questions.

Later, Norman went swimming again, because he suddenly had to think about Andrew’s family and the promise he gave. 

Thoughts, he wanted to push to the back of his mind.

Then Andy woke up…

The way he looked at him, climbing out of the pool, made his heart go boom, boom, boom - like in that famous radio song he heard so often years ago.

And then, they made the trip, everything so wonderful… and everything leading to this moment.

Both standing there on the top of the mountain.

Dawn began.

On Andrew’s face, the streak of the setting sun, a strong, vibrant orange. The British man closed his eyes, to not get blinded. 

Norman did not stop to watch him. He looked at Andrew’s hair, how the wind gently blew curls into his face, a mixture of coal black and a gentle silver grey peaking through. His sublime face traits, the azure blue eyes, the full lips, …

Norman could not help but overcome the last step to stand directly in front of him. 

They were close before, but not like this. Not both looking in each others eyes, like now, don’t saying anything.

And still, Norman wanted to be closer, a little bit closer and then again, a little bit closer.

His hands were shaking, he felt the urge to touch Andrew, but a million thoughts running through his mind.

Should I? 

Could I? 

Would he like it? 

He simply could not overcome his fears, his shyness. He thought of himself being a weirdo, a creep, that deserved that name more than any flower. 

From this small distance, Norman could smell Andrew. 

An odor of a wild, fairytale-like garden mixed with the smell of a raw, but exquisite scent. 

He could see the sweat drops, being still there from the climb. 

He moved his hand in the direction of Andy’s shoulder - not sure where exactly to touch him.

Andrew suddenly looked confused, panic in his eyes. It hurt to see such a look, it was more a Daryl Dixon look, not fitting to Rick or Andy.

Norman moved back a step, looking to the ground. 

‘FUCK, I HAVE RUINED IT.’ Norman judged himself. 

“I..…did….not….……“ was all Norman could say.

But Andrew, did not flinch anymore. 

He just stood there. 

Then, all at once, he closed the distance again with a step towards Norman.

Norman risked to look up again - his friend’s eyes were not filled with fear anymore. He looked at him more in a self-protective, yet curious way.

Norman had too much fear to make another move, like when you see a deer in the woods and stop breathing, because you are so afraid to scare it away.

‘And you are a deer in panic, too, Norman.“ the man thought to himself.

'All these years you have been afraid, afraid of this, afraid of yourself. You are a looser, like your Dad said.'

Norman felt tears in his eyes.

'You are a looser" he said to himself with the voice of his father. "No one wants to be with you. No one wants you."


	63. The cliff

DID HE WANT TO….TOUCH ME?

Andrew’s mind was spinning. 

Should I have waited for the move? 

Maybe it should be just a bro punch in the end? Who knows?

What was happening between the two?

Why did nobody say a word?

Why were they standing so close, not moving away from each other?

Why did he want to come even closer to Norman? Why did he want him to try it again, actually touch him on the shoulder?

He did not know why, but his heart ached and desired the touch.

WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE? 

WHAT IS HAPPENING WITH ME?

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO US?

He saw Norman looking at the ground, then slowly looking at him again.

God, these eyes!….

He wanted to comfort the other man, say, that he did nothing wrong, that Andrew was so happy to be here with him, so happy to share time with him. 

All the things he promised him to say after the flight.

But he was out of words.

Unable to move. 

So he just starred at him with a warm look, a small smile, that said:“ Everything okay,“

Norman realized that and had to smile a bit, as well.

It filled Andrews heart up with joy, like nothing else.

‘Please try it again‘ Andrew thought, ‚‘Please.’.

The British actor tilted his head a bit, as a sign of validation. 

He also came a bit closer with his face, to show, that he was not afraid anymore.

—---------

‘Why does he look at me that way?

Norman thought, barely able to breathe because of nervousness, because of uncertainty.

He thought he would die of fear of rejection.

‘Looser!‘ one voice said in his head.

‘You are full of wonders, Normsky’ Andrew’s voice echoed in his mind.

In the eyes of his friend lay nothing but softness, an unspoken YES.

Norman made a decision.

His heart pumping fast….faster…..faster.

……….’Full of wonders.’……..

That was the moment, when Norman leant forward, slowly touching Andrew’s forehead with his own, still looking to the ground.

It was like jumping over a cliff from one second to another, hoping some wonder would happen, even if you had no parachute.

Only a wonder could save you now.


	64. BOOM

Andrew felt Norman’s forehead, the hair, the skin touching his own. 

A wave of emotions hit him.

A tingling sensation, a shock, an explosion of desire.

But also, a wave of voices.

Telling him to stop. Telling him to step back. To go.

A flashback of his kids, Arthur smiling, Mathilda dancing.

Thousands of screaming fans, flashlights.

The clap on his shoulder by his father on Andrew’s graduation day. The raspy voice saying “You made it, son.“

The day he met Norman. How he asked him to throw the squirrels.

Gael, saying “But you won’t develop interest for Norman, will you?“ The laughing of both of them, Andrew shaking his head.

The day, he said „You’re my brother.“ to Daryl.

It was like the voices inside him fought a war and he was helpless.

Andrew tried to shut down the negative voices, the guilt, the fear, to concentrate on what was happening right now.

He could not stand still anymore, not doing anything.

He wanted this, he wanted it now.

Now everything happened in a blink of an eye.

He reached out with both of his hands and touched Norman’s face, then kept them there, Norman’s head resting in them.

Norman looked at him in all surprise, his mouth a bit open, big eyes, his body position ready to jump back, like this was a trap.

“Got ya.“ Andrew said very softly, very quietly, but in his Rick slang.

He did not know why, but it was the only possible way to communicate now.

——-----------------------------

For the first time in his life, Norman could not trust his senses.

He felt Andrew’s hands, but it was such a surreal dream, that he hoped to wake up soon - or he would never return. 

He would be lost forever in this moment, sleep-walking through time and space with a spaced out expression in his face.

“Got ya.“ he heard.

And then he knew, it was no dream. 

It was Andrew Lincoln touching him. 

No show, no camera, no script.

Andrew Lincoln touching him.

And in that moment, Norman gave all in.

He also raised his hands, touching Andrew’s face.   
It felt soft, so soft-

feeling Andrew’s hands moving as well, gently up and down- 

slowly but steady been pulled closer by him -

Andys’ hands on Norman’s neck, then on his back-

his own hands mimicking the movement-

a never done before hug, an embrace, a collision-

both looking down, then up, then down, closing their eyes and then-

they kissed.

Softly kissed.

It was only one kiss.

But the world exploded.


	65. Bucket list

Butterflies escaped Norman’s heart. They made it somehow through the skin, through the darkness, spread their wings and flew. 

High, higher, highest.

One by one, a monarch, a common brimstone, a ceylon rose, a banded orange tiger and a blue morpho. 

They imitated a circle formation, praising the glistening, golden evening sun - then it was like they stopped right in the air. 

Time to say goodbye.

One last time, they showed all their beautiful colors, showed their variations, a last circle - before they flew to the other man, to Andrew, right into his heart.

————-----------------------------------

When Andrew’s lips parted from Norman’s, Norman had to remind himself to breathe in.

Otherwise he would have simply died.

Died as a happy man. 

But dead.

There was no way, that there would be a life after what had just happened.

It all ended with this moment, with this kiss, right?

This was heaven. No one would leave heaven voluntarily, right?

Angels singing, bright lights - this was really it.

But Norman’s body told his brain to breathe, so his lungs filled themselves with air and Norman opened his eyes. 

He saw Andrew slowly part from him, slowly opening his eyes as well.  
‘If there is a God above‘ Norman thought while still looking at Andrew’s lips, 'he made sure to send an angel with me on my way back to earth’.

———------------------------------------------------

Andrew had kissed a man before. In theatre. On Stage. 

Andrew had kissed many women before. His wife. Ex-girlfriends. 

But nothing tasted like this.

Nothing as beautiful.

It was exciting, thrilling, wonderful.

It lasted 1,2,3 seconds…..

………a sparkling sensation of feelings… 

…..until Andrew’s mind came to wake up again.

A dark storm inside him, telling him to stop, telling him that it was all a MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE

Andrew tried to fight against it, but he knew, he could not win.

MISTAKE MISTAKE MISTAKE

He released himself from Norman’s lips, but in fact, it felt like going back into a cage.

Going into solitude. 

Flying to a planet, where you know, you will die alone.

He opened his eyes and saw Norman’s beautiful blue ones. This time, the blue had different shades, like a blue wildflower on a meadow, like the deep blue sea.

And his lips….

Andrew was tempted to kiss Norman again. Just one more time.

But his mind told him, that this was wrong. Ridiculous. Sick.

Therefore, he looked at the ground, then made a step back, then turned around.

He watched the sun setting on the horizon, taking every life with her - as a revenge, that the earth was turning away from her light.

“I am sorry Norman if I…made you…believe….“ his own voice sounded so different, like from another human being, when he uttered them against the wind.

He noticed his friend moving behind him, then stopping.

“No, I am sorry. I shouldn’t have….“ Andrew heard Norman saying, a break of the voice.

He turned around and saw Norman with glassy eyes, standing there like a wreck.

‘You can still turn this whole thing around Andy!!! You made a mistake but don’t ruin it now!’ his mind shouted. ’You can still be friends!!!!’. So he stated:

“Listen, we are not.....gay, right?“ and as he said that, he tried to do it with a funny, amused voice but it sounded nothing but desperate.

——--------------------------------------------------

‘NOT GAY????

What is he talking about?

They both kissed! They kissed!!!!!

And it felt like nothing on earth.’

Norman wanted to do it again. 

But right after Andrew broke the kiss, he knew, how this would ended.

Guilt, shame. He knew this behavior. From both of them.

“Pfff…Of course not.“ Norman replied with a smile one could see that was completely forced.

He suffered.

Not even years of acting in TWD could prepare him for a situation like this.

He felt the worst and could not hide it.

“So let’s just file this under bucket list?….Done….haha.“ Andrew suggested in a hilarious tone, like someone who is completely insane.

Norman cleared his throat. 

Suddenly, he felt the need to run. Too much emotion and energy inside him. Too much things he could not say, not relief.

“We need to go, it’s getting dark“ Norman said in the most neutral tone he could come up with.

Andrew seemed more than eased about the suggestion and started to pack the water bottles in the bag in seconds. 

This was the famous Rick-mode. Surviving. Moving fast, moving tactically. 

When they made the climb-down, they did not talk. Just a few “Watch out, the stone“ or “It’s slippery“ from Andrew, who took the lead.

It was not like Norman would need instructions, but somehow it felt better than complete silence.

When they arrived at their vehicles and Andrew grabbed for his keys without saying anything, it was clear, that he would drive to his own house, that he usually spend time with between the shoots, when his family was there. He would not came to Norman’s house or go to the trailers.

Norman took the bag, Andrew kept his distance and did not hug him, he looked right through him, like his best friend was not standing there. 

Like he had seen a ghost.

So Norman just awkwardly waved him goodbye with the words “See you around then.“

“Yeah, cheers mate.“ Andrew replied, falling back into his mother accent. His tone was nervous, he tried to sound funny again. “Thank you for….ehm….the trip and everything…hosting me mate…“

‘Oh my God I need to get out of this situation immediately‘ Norman thought. He felt so embarrassed and unwell, that he just quickly said:“Yeah….yeah.“, nodded…..then took on his helmet. 

Andrew nodded too, then also went to his car, climbed in and shut the door.

Norman was so stressed and nervous, he fidgeted around with the keys, let them drop, cursed himself and then picked them up.

He did not know if he did that to play out time or if he really was too clumsy.

But he knew, that it was also the feeling of not wanting to go. Not wanting to part like this.

He thought about the kiss.

The butterflies came back.

Then he heard Andrew, who also had needed, for some reason, a great amount of time in the car, start the engine.

The noise killed the butterflies, one by one. 

They were falling to the ground right in front of Norman’s eyes, as he turned around to see Andrew drive off.

He turned back and started the engine of his bike. Usually he would have followed Andrew on the road to get to his own house.

But not this time.

Not anymore.

When he hit the road, he had nothing else in his mind than to drive far, far away and never come back to this place. Never go back to this state of mind, never loose himself in such a ridiculous scenery. 

He hated, what he had done. It was his fault. 

He also hated, that Andrew agreed to all of this and then again, had simply backtrack.

Andrew’s lips. His hands. His smell. 

“Bucket list….haha…..Done!“

Norman gained speed. 

Way above the tempo limit, in the middle of the night, somewhere in the narrow mountain roads. 

Some people would call it life-endangering. 

But how can someone be killed, who is already dead?


	66. Wicked Game

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like to, prepare the song:  
> Wicked Game - Cover by James Vincent McMorrow

**1 year later.**

“How do I look?“

“Stunning Diane, absolutely stunning!“ Norman replied and drew her closer to give her a kiss.

She refused it with a laughter, “Oh nooo, my lipgloss!“ 

Norman sighed “How come you spend so much money on such things when they are not even kiss-safe?“

“Because I buy them for me, not for you or us. And what I buy with my money, which I earned, is not of interest of yours“ Diane stated.

Norman loved, how independent she was. He also knew, that in these times, more than ever, he and his needs needed to take a step back so he was able to listen to her needs, treat her equally. He learned a lot from her and he recently read a lot of interesting articles about what behavior men could show to support women more in their independence.

“Point for you, but to come back to your question: I love the look. Very elegant.“ he touched the silk fabric of her white dress.

“And you look so classic as well, Norman.“ Diane said with a smile. 

In that moment, they arrived at the Critic’s Choice Awards, climbed out of the limousine and presented themselves on the red carpet for the first time as a couple.

Flashlights, screaming paparazzi.

Then they both gave short interviews.

Norman talked about his last movie, Diane about hers. Both oft them were famous, popular and welcomed guests everywhere. But together, it was like “Hollywood’s next super couple“ like some interviewer called it.

Then they asked Norman about The Walking Dead. He quitted most of the questions. This was the red carpet, not a panel. Also, he did not want to think about the show. About what would happen next. Particularly, he did not want to think about Andrew.

Still, one man in the crowd shouted:“Norman, where is Andrew Lincoln?“

“With his wife.“ Norman said, more annoyed than he wanted to.

Then they went again on the red carpet photo area, where hundreds of flashlights were pointed towards them.  
“KISS! KISS!“ the crowd screamed to them.

Norman felt a sharp pain, like someone would tear open an old wound inside him.

He thought about that day in Atlanta, Andrew and him on that mountain.

Lips, hands, touch, smell….

“KISS! KISS!“ the people demanded.

Diane agreed, she nodded. 

Norman flinched back but then realized, what he was doing.

So he kissed her. Quickly. Not even looking her in the eyes.

She looked to the ground. They moved on. Norman felt like shit. But then, Diane laughed. 

“What’s so funny?“ he asked, while still posing.

“It’s cute how nervous you are.“ Diane whispered.

Norman had to smile a bit, as well. 

He was nervous, right, that’s all! 

Again, he felt happy to have this woman by his side. She was understanding, funny, beautiful. 

What else would a man need?

Later, somewhere at night, the couple being back at Norman’s apartment, Diane asleep, Norman dressed himself and quietly stood up. 

He went downstairs, going into his living room, grabbing a bottle of the strongest whiskey he could find, open it, taking a sip, another one, another one…..while drinking going to his window.

It was an apartment where you could see the beauty of New York, it’s flickering lights, the city that never sleeps.

Norman took his headphones, heavy, old studio ones that go over your whole head, not the modern bluetooth ones, and put them on. 

He let himself fall into the chair, grabbed the remote of his music player system and just pressed play.

He did not have to choose the song. 

It was the same since weeks.

An acoustic guitar.

A moody melody.

It was a Cover song. With slightly different words. Norman usually did not like Cover songs, but this one….

The man started to sing:

_The world was on fire and no one could save me but you_  
_It's strange what desire will make foolish people do_  
_I'd never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you_  
_And I'd never dreamed that I’d miss somebody like you...._

Norman was half-drunk. So he drank more, just to ease the pain a little, to forget.

Andrew’s face.

His fingers, his hands.....

_No, I don't want to fall in love  
With you...._

His mouth….….

_What a wicked game you play, make me feel this way_  
_What a wicked thing to do make me dream of you_  
_What a wicked thing to say you never felt that way_  
_What a wicked thing to do to make me dream of you...._

Andrew going back. Denying. regretting. 

_No, IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII_

"See you around“

_IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII_

Andrew starting the engine……..

_....don't want to fall in love_

_With you._


	67. The Rocket man

“I thought about your offer Andy“ Gael said, while sitting on the warm sand, her surfboard laying in front of her, her eyes fixated at the ocean.

“Please tell me you want to do it, too.“ Andrew, who sat next to her, begged.

“I think it would be a good idea.“ the woman said, now looking back at her husband.

“Oh cheers, yes!“ Andrew sighed in relief, then turned over to her, hugged her from behind and watched the sunset with her.

“I am so excited to renew our wedding vow. I promise, everything will be better after that, the kids will feel the change and so will you.“ Andrew continued.

“Hm“ 

“Listen, we had some tough times…I will show you how much you mean to me. So you don’t have……to…..“ he stopped.

The night he found out his wife betrayed him, slept with another man, was nothing but a shock. 

But also, a release. 

Andrew felt guilty since the kiss with Norman for many months. He could not talk about it, with nobody. He was ashamed about the fact that he kissed someone else when he had a wonderful wife, a wonderful family at home. 

But then Gael told him, when her affair had happened. 

“Beginning of season 5.“

Andrew started to rage. It was before he had kissed Norman????

He wanted to ask her a million questions,….scream, …. but he could just utter:“One time?“

“No.“

“How often?

“Andy…I….“

“How often Gael?“

“Maybe three times.“

“MAYBE?“ Tears already running over Andrew’s face. 

“MAYBE???“ he asked again, in exact the same tone he had the whole WD prison season long. 

Mad, insane. He laughed like a maniac, he couldn’t believe it.

But no matter how often Andrew would ask, Gael would not tell with whom she betrayed him.

At some point in the argument, it was about 3am, Andrew just sank into the coach. 

“Why Gael, why?“ he asked, not looking at her, his mind somewhere between dead and walker-zombie-like.

“You should ask that yourself“ she replied.

“That is not fair, Gael“ the actor stated.

“Oh, no? I tell you what is not fair. raise these kid alone. Live alone. Marry a man, who is like an astronaut.“

“What do you mean with that? It’s not that I live on the moon, right?“

“Don’t you remember that book you’ve told me?….I forgot the name…an American author…. Sci-Fi kind of….a man is somehow….addicted to constantly go to space. He makes a mission to Mars, then misses his family, returns for a few days,….. then, even if he doesn’t have to, after three days he leaves them for his next flight. Stays away for months, then come back again for days, but leaves again….So space wins, always.“

Andrew remembered that story. Cruel to read, because you could really tell how much of a ghost the man went, despite his family loved him.

He looked at Gael:“I am sorry….I am….really….so sorry…“

Now Gael started to cry:“No, I am….I made a mistake…a huge mistake…many mistakes…“

Andrew thought about the kiss with Norman. Now it would be the time to say it. Be honest.

It was just a kiss, that did not matter. A silly game. A play. Maybe trying out what he had never done in his college years. Nothing serious. Nothing worth to mention. But he should.

But for some reason, Andrew couldn’t. Instead, he hugged Gael and promised her, to find a way for both for them to get back together.

Months later, in his holiday, miles away from TWD, he thought he succeeded in his mission.

He even gave Gael no more reasons to worry, to “get concerned" as he would always state it in public.

He shut down the contact with his best friend.

After the kiss of Andrew and Norman, everything was really strange between the actors. They did not talk about it anymore, in fact, they did not talk anymore in general. 

After each shooting day, Andrew went home to his apartment near Atlanta, where his family stayed for the rest of the season. 

Between shots, Andrew would speak to Lennie James or Khary Payton, to whom he developed a strong friendship. Or he would simply go to his own trailer, take a nap, rest. 

Although through this way, he was very fresh and rested for the scenes, it often felt like a big burden on his shoulders to not be able to go to Norman anymore. 

Danai was one of the only persons, who realized, that there must have been something wrong. The others simply thought, it was the huge cast and the different locations, who set the two best friends a bit apart. 

“What happened between the two of you? You come here, deliver your lines like theres no tomorrow and then disappear, even when it is night?“

“Glad to see Gael again.“ Andrew said with a smile.

He meant it, but also, this behavior was eaten him up inside. 

Being on the Walking Dead was not that fun anymore, it was simply doing his job.

On the other hand, it meant tension slowly releasing between him and his wife. They spend more time together, trying to re-built that trust, that was there a long time ago. Work on their relationship,...but often Andrew had to think about the betrayal. Not only hers, but his. Not only the kiss, but him being not present, being somewhere else. It was difficult. It was often just making love, but even while doing that, Andrew had to think about that man in the story, wanting to be with his family but also....wanting to be somewhere else...

Therefore one day, exactly at this surf holiday, Andrew asked Gael if she would like to renew their wedding vows.

His intension was to make a symbolic gesture for her and their relationship. But somehow, it felt like he did it for himself and he did not know why.

She said yes, so he should feel absolutely happy now. 

“Should we invite other people?“ Gael asked, gently touching his arm. “Would be great to have another big event coming up. But also I can understand, if you want it to be more private."

Andrew tried to not think about Norman. He really tried. 

“Just the 4 of us.“ He said.

“Yeah, it’s also better because of the press…“ Gael mentioned in a sad tone.

Since Andrew sat behind her, he could not see her eyes. But he knew, that she wanted it to be an official announcement, with a lot of people, their families, everyone. She missed London.

“Oh, fuck them, we’ll find a way that no one can sneak inside. Let’s invite everyone.“ Andrew said in a determined tone. 

Norman would not come, he would cancel it. He had Diane. They always had something to do these days.

Gael kissed Andrew as an answer.

‘Be happy, be happy.’ his mind reminded him.

So he was happy.

At least, he tried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note: Do not hate Gael.
> 
> In my story, I cannot think of her just saying "Oh, well, triangle accepted."
> 
> The same comes with the role of the "bad guy" - both made their decisions which lead to all of this, not only Gael.  
> Also: Do not hate Diane.
> 
> It's not the fault of the women, if these two guys can't be honest to themselves.
> 
> Please also remember: This is fiction :)


	68. Strangers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To have a better experience for the next chapters, I suggest you to watch the hug scene again, it's on YT :)

“Aaaaaand action!“

_Rick and his group walking through the gates of Hiltop._

_Rick talking to Maggie._

_„….I didn’t listen…I couldn’t….I can now….“_

_Daryl turning up around the corner._

_Rick seeing him._

_The hug._  
\---------------

Only the imagination of the scene that was about to happen next, caused Andrew sleepless nights. 

The moment he read it in the script, he knew, that it would be more than just a scripted hug. 

Usually, Andrew would be on his phone for hours, talking to Norman about all the new things in the season.

For months - he forgot how many - him and Norman were going separate ways.

Because the writers told them to, because the men choose to.

And now this instruction: „Rick and Daryl hug.“ No more stage directions. Which meant, it was up to the actors to perform as they would think their characters would do.

This morning, when Andrew entered the set, he knew, that it was his last chance to talk, to resolve the tension, before everybody would see on camera, that there was a problem between them.

How could you film a scene of two best friends coming together when they were not best friends anymore? Andrew was an actor for a reason, but he could not simply cover it up this time, not with Norman. Not when they would have to hug.

There have been shoulder claps in these weeks of screening, but only while walking by with someone, to say hi, to not ignore the other person. They were polite with each other, but nothing more. 

Sometimes, when one of the men would tell a story and the whole crew listened, laughed, the other would find himself rolling his eyes, being annoyed. Andrew found himself doing that and he had seen it from Norman. 

Situations like these did nothing for their trust and Andrew felt like he did that only, to vent his anger somehow, to numb his pain. It was their only way of surviving, but it was a dark, toxic path.

‘We have to find a way back to each other, before filming this. Not only because we owe it to the fans, but ourselves’ the British thought.

Not speaking to Norman had left open wounds in him. He found himself being more aggressive towards everyone, he became prison Rick, shutting everybody out. Because he swore himself to not drink anymore, he became addicted to fitness. He ran and ran and sometimes he came so exhausted to the set, that he asked himself, when his body would completely collapse at that day. But he was Andrew Lincoln, so he did not want to let anybody down. He delivered his lines in the usual quality. 

They left him alone, because they thought he was in character: sad and angry because of Negan. No one knew, that his red eyes and the dark bags under his eyes came from mental and physical exhaustion, from depression, from the pain you feel, when you loose your soulmate. 

He often asked himself, if Norman would feel the same. But Andrew was too proud to make a step forward. 

Then he read the stage direction for the new episode and for the first time had to sit down and think about everything, his own behavior, his own mistakes.

He came to the conclusion, that they had to talk. 

He just did not know how....and if Norman would listen. 

Because he did not know Norman anymore.

Have they become strangers in that year? 

Yes.

Did it stop the pain, stop the need for each other?

\- Andrew sighed about the question, he had asked himself many nights.....he sighed, because he knew the answer.

NO.


	69. Quidditch

In these days, Norman would either have fun with the whole cast, talking, laughing, smoking between the shots - or sit somewhere completely alone, browsing through his phone, listening to music.

That’s how Andrew found him. 

Sitting on a huge tree stump a bit away from the shooting location, in his Daryl Dixon outfit. Andrew himself was dressed as Rick, dark, dusty grey shirt and pants, beige boots. 

He walked towards him and said nothing, just sat down on the next, nearest stump, which was on the right side of Norman. 

Norman put his headphones away, still scrolling.

Andrew was searching for words. He did not know how to start. He was not good in things like this. He was good in talking to people, yes, he was good in playing the leader, in settling a dispute between two people....but his own?

After a while, Norman said, with what Andrew interpreted as an "Let's do smalltalk but I don't care and I judge you tone":

“Rick looking out for his lost sheep?“

As so often, Norman and Andrew found themselves in the Walking Dead universe outside of filming. 

Today, it was their only way back.

Andrew sighed loudly and made an annoyed tone. He didn't want to, but he got a bit used to it.

“Oh Reedus, don’t be such a dick. And put that damn phone away you bastard.“

“You really sound American now.“ Norman replied and put his phone into his pocket, at the same time putting his sunglasses on, which were till that moment, resting on his head.

Andrew tried to calm himself down. He reminded himself, while he was here. He continued in a more respectful tone:

“I had a great master to teach me“ he sad in his finest British, trying to get eye contact with the other actor, but the glasses, did not reveal any emotion.

Then, silence.

Andrew knew this game. He knew also, that Norman did not like awkward silence. He told him very often how much it stressed him out. “But with you, I never feel like that“ he also mentioned. Until….. 

“So, today we hug.“ Norman broke the silence, starring at the walls of Hiltop, which you could see from far away.

His voice was more friendly now. But with a worried sound in it.

“Today we hug.“ Andrew approved. 

He felt a first release, because it looked like Norman had also thought about the scene a lot.

“I hope you change your clothes before.“ Andrew tried, with a more playful, not so serious sounding voice.

“Why?“ Norman asked in surprise, lifting his glasses and looking at the man.

“Because you smell awful in these sweatpants.“ Andrew mentioned.

Silence.

Andrew hated himself.

Then Norman started to laugh. 

Then Andrew had to laugh as well.

A laugh, that comes from deep down inside you, a laugh that makes you feel good in seconds.

“Dude, I smell like that because I worked my ass off!“ Norman clicked his tongue, “I was busy carrying your baby AND your weapon the whole fucking season. Where have you been? Dude, they also caught me, Negan and shit, while you pranced around doing stuff and thangs, meaning banging Michonne.“

Andrew did not want to, be he laughed again, so loud, that crew members from far away turned around.

He stood up. It was like in a Hip Hop battle where one group comes forward to begin.

Norman stood up as well, grinning like a Cheshire cat. 

Andrew leaned a bit forward, the way he did when he talked to bad guys, him being Rick and all.

“Maybe you should not have went out there in the woods, tracking redbreasts and earthworms and instead concentrate on tracking Carol…..or NOT GET tracked by Negan’s ass, which you now-“ and here he made a bow and spoke in British - “so gladly serve."

“Oh, so now you have some tipps for me, Grimes?“ Norman made a step forward, “I have also some tipps for you motherf*!“

“Dear, dear, what is thy advice?“ Andrew replied like in old theatre, making huge gestures.

\- “GUUUUYS“ someone shouted from afar. “40 minutes! Norman, you need to change!“

Norman made the thumbs up sign towards the crew, then looked at Andrew again. 

His friend wanted to say something different at first, Andrew could tell, but then, he somehow changed his mind and while quickly looking in the other man’s eyes, he said:

“Fight for what you love.“

And with that, he put his sunglasses on with a small smile on his face and walked away.

Andrew was left back with a smile as well. 

Although, for some outsider it might have sounded like an argument, it was nothing but joy and fun. Something, they did not have since when…? Hell, he could not even remember the last time they spoke to each other. The last time he had to laugh. 

It felt like a blessing.

Memories came back.................

Norman and him riding on his bike together, for the first time.

Norman and him on that sofa, while that panel. 

Norman and him in Costa Rica, drinking one Mojito after another, right before their private bungalow, surrounded by wonderful flowers and green grass. Talking about life, God and how much Andrew loved Harry Potter.

“You are kidding me, right?“ Norman had said.

Then the American told him, that he had never read the books. “I guess I’ve been to a movie once, with Mingus, something with a Stone. But I can’t remember, since I slept in the cinema.“

“No come one! How disrespectful is that!“ Andrew burst out in laughter and continued to do so, while saying „Man, haven’t you talked to Daniel Radcliffe on that evening gala, saying how much you like his works?“

“I said I liked his scar in the movie. How special it made him.“ Norman replied, after drinking from his cocktail.

“So you don’t know about Gryffindor, Hufflepuff and all that? Diagon Alley? Dementors? QUIDDITCH???“

“You are such a nerdy nerd oh my God, Andy.“ 

"Quidditch Norman!!! Such a great sport!!!!!" Andrew screamed with enthusiasm.

"Please Andy, you are making a fool of yourself, the whole jungle will sue you for waking everyone up with your British schoolboy behavior. Several, rare, endangered species will die tonight because they are not able to cover their ears."

"You sound like Snape."

"Like who?"

"Noooooormsky! You really don't know anything."

"Jesus, Andy."

Andrew loved these situations. Where he could be the funny one and Norman took the "rational" part. Because in public, it was always the other way around.

“One day, you have to read the books, promise me!“

“Don’t like reading such heavy books.“

Andrew poked him, then tickled him a bit on his leg. Only Andrew was allowed to do it.

“Promise me, you will.“

Norman tried to escape, but fell over his own feet in the grass, completely drunk.

Andrew fell right next to him.

After they had calmed down, they lied there, watching the starry sky together.

“Someday, I will read it to you, Norman.“ Andrew said. 

Norman just made an approving „Hm-m“, because he was just about to feel asleep.

Andrew smiled. He was completely happy,.... just the thought of showing Norman the world, exploring the one of his friend in return….

Now, years later, he had to think about all of this. 

It filled him with joy but also made him sad.

How many month did they not speak to each other? How much time was lost? How long did they not look into each others eyes? How long, since the last time, that they knew they had each others back? Trust each other, love each other.

A rollercoaster of feelings hit him and suddenly, Andrew was about to start to cry. 

It went all down somehow and he knew deep in his heart, that he made a mistake.

He should have apologized.

Not behaving like a prick.

Guilt overcame him. But this time, because he let his best friend down. Because he made his best friend feel bad about something, that both of them did. 

Because he talked something beautiful down. 

BUCKET LIST.

What was he thinking ????

It was a mistake to kiss Norman yes, but he should have been nicer. Way nicer.

‘Apologize‘ his brain shouted.

‚Apologize‘ his heart said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andrew talking about the hug: http://ew.com/awards/2016/12/15/walking-dead-andrew-lincoln-rick-daryl-hug/  
> (although I think this is pure comedy of him, they already mentioned in a panel, how they had to cry like babies and surely not because of clothes ;) ).....Now you have the answer ;)))))))))


	70. Miles from where you are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Set the fire to the third bar - Snow Patrol & Martha Wainwright

The shower had felt so good, Norman wished to never leave it again.

Yes, it was not the shower in his apartment, just the one in his trailer, but anything counts as luxury after filming in the Georgia heat, in a muddy lake.

He put on new clothes, a dark blue shirt with matching pants.He kept his hair the way it fell right in this moment, a bit wet, a bit messy. Daryl Dixon style. Or was it Norman Reedus all along?

He stepped outside, went to the filming location. A buzzy beehive. He sat down on a chair, that was placed a bit away from everything. Many people came by to say hi, but then, they saw the look in his eyes and eventually got scared to ruin this important scene. Maybe they thought, he needed to concentrate, so they gave him all his space. 

The talk with Andrew had brought his confidence back. He still felt nervous, sad, but the weight that had put him down all the time, felt not as heavy anymore. 

They had laughed together.

Norman even had looked him in the eyes. Just for a second, but he could clearly see the softness in them, again.

It brought back feelings, which were hidden for a long time in a secret place inside the twists and turns of the dark labyrinth, which he called his heart.

Memories.

The same dumb, simple memories. 

Andrew’s lips. 

Andrew’s voice.

But also, more detailed ones.

Andrew, when he would look irritated, because he did not understand an American saying.

Andrew, when he would walk with Norman through huge buildings…ruins…, talking about Greek and Roman architecture - God knows why!

Sometimes Norman would make jokes about Andrew acting like a teacher, but deep inside he was fascinated about the man’s knowledge. 

Memories….

Andrew, quoting lines from famous plays he played the lead role in, quoting the Rom-Coms he played, just to make Norman laugh or shake with his head and say “English men.“

And then this special memory, that Norman kept inside him like a treasure.

Andrew, when he played piano. 

Not many people knew it, but he could actually play and sing. One day, Norman asked him to play a song for him on an old piano in his New York apartment.

“I can’t believe you never play….“ Andrew said while touching the keys…

“I had my shiny moments with Vicous Prick…piano was too soft for the others I guess“ he laughed but then went on “Play a song for me, Andrew Lincoln.“, in a very gentle tone.

Andrew looked at him for a while, Norman did not know why.

He just knew, that what he heard and saw after, was nothing but an angel right in front of him.

_I find the map and draw a straight line_  
Over rivers, farms and state lines  
The distance from here to where you'd be  
It's only finger-lengths that I see  
I touch the place  
Where I'd find your face  
My fingers increases  
Of distant dark places  
I hang my coat up in the first bar  
There is no peace that I've found so far  
The laughter penetrates my silence  
As drunken men find flaws in science  
Their word's mostly noises  
Ghosts with just voices  
Your words in my memory  
Are like music to me 

Here Andrew stopped and it was like he was a bit ashamed of hearing his own voice singing for so long, ashamed of showing his soul like this, sharing it with Norman.

Norman, in awe, hanging on every word, whispered: “Please……continue, it’s….beautiful…“

He never heard Andrew sing. He did not want it to stop.

Andrew shyly smiled, but then continued:

_I'm miles from where you are_  
I lay down on the cold ground  
I, I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms 

_After I have traveled so far_  
We'd set the fire to the third bar  
We'd share each other like an island  
Until exhausted, close our eyelids  
And dreaming, pick up from  
The last place we left off  
Your soft skin is weeping  
A joy you can't keep in  
I'm miles from where you are  
I lay down on the cold ground  
And I, I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms  
And miles from where you are  
I lay down on the cold ground  
And I, I pray that something picks me up  
And sets me down in your warm arms 

When he played the last note, his voice still vibrating in the room, Norman could nothing but stare, admire him, love him, be completely blown away.

“Andy that was….“ he couldn’t find any words

“….the song I always listened to, before we filmed that scene with Sarah, her death.“

“Woah…I remember….tough shit….we cried the whole day. Always asked myself what was on your ipod.“

“You mean your ipod. You borrowed it to me…..I never gave it back.“

"It was a present, said it then, saying it now.“

“Helped me a lot, thank you Normsky.“

It was like an angel saved your life and thanked you for not dying.

So Norman just smiled, still hypnotized and nodded.

Thinking about that moment now, so many years later….it reminded him how special their friendship was…..and to what it turned into….almost like a beloved human being turned into a walker in the zombie apocalypse and then….. gets forgotten.

Norman felt a lump in his throat.

Speaking to Andrew today, after days, weeks, months of being disconnected to him - and yet, not talking about what made them going in different directions in the first place - it all made Norman tempted to just lay down in his trailer and cry like a baby.

Because although they had spoken this morning - what were 10 minutes compared to 10 months? 

What had happen in Andrew’s life? Was he happy?

He tried to pulled himself together but every time he wanted to think about something different, talk to someone else, it was like Andrew’s face came back to his mind.  
So close, yet so far. 

“Norman?“ a voice behind him.

A voice he knew like his own.

Andrew’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Andrew talking about the song:  
> https://dailydead.com/exclusive-interview-with-the-walking-deads-andrew-lincoln/


	71. Got ya

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song: Listen to the official WD song from the Episode: "Hearts still beating - Bear Mc Creary"   
> (it is marked in the text, where you could start it :) It will also blend in the next chapter)

He turned around to see his friend looking nothing but depressed.

“Norman, I know we shoot in a few minutes. I just wanted to tell you…..I…..“

“It’s okay Andy.“ Norman knew, how difficult it was for Andrew, to apologize. He shared this character trait with Rick. 

Also, the American was used to forgive his friend everything. He was used, that no one talked about what was really happening. 

“No, Norman. I ….I need to tell you that….“ Andrew started again.

Norman looked at him in surprise. 

“-….tell you……that I….what I said there….with the bucket list…“

Norman felt the pain, again. 

Ashamed, he looked at the ground. He did not know, why.

“…it was wrong for me to say that….Norman please….look at me…“

He looked up, into crystal clear blue eyes. Andrew was struggling.

“Norman, I am sorry. It was…..- it……- all this time…..- I thought about…….- I mean….“

Unspoken words that would escape anytime out of his friend’s mouth.

-“GUYS GUYS hurry!!! We shoot now!“ Lila, the crew member broke into their conversation. “Oh sorry…I did not know that you would…have to ….talk“ she looked at both of them “but anyway, we really have to shoot now, everyone is waiting for you two!“

It was like someone woke them up from a dream, where you are still unable to move.

But they had to follow Lila, so Andrew, as always, went first and took the lead.

Norman behind him, slowly, almost lurking like a walker. 

Unspoken words, unspoken desires.

And both of them realizing, that they lost so much time with all this. That all of this had almost killed their friendship. 

When they arrived at the set, Norman had to follow Jesus behind the house. Andrew positioned himself in front of the doors.

And then, suddenly, someone screamed action.

"I couldn’t……I can now….“ Rick speaking to Maggie.

But inside, Andrew said these lines to someone else: to himself…

From afar, he saw Norman approaching.

The script said he should hug Maggie, but he couldn’t.  
There was only one thought in his mind:

Daryl. 

Norman.

Andrew let his best friend down.

But still, Norman came back, to be there for him.

Daryl Dixon stopped right before him. 

The unscalable wall, which Andrew built month over month, right in front of them.

How to overcome?

————-

\---------------------------------(start the song) -------------------------------

Norman saw Andrew approaching.

He saw him stopping -

Oceans between them….

'Love you.' was all he wanted to say. 

Make everything alright, go back, start new, get his best friend back.

Norman just made a small movement with his head.

‘Got ya’ what was it meant.

Exactly what Andrew had said to him, right before the kiss.

And in that moment, Norman started to cry. 

He could not hold it back, it was not written in the script. 

It was his own, real cry.

Unspoken words transformed into a gesture, that only said one thing:

“I miss you. I need you. I love you.“


	72. Still here

Andrew saw Norman’s head movement. 

It made him love Norman so much more. 

Because even after all thad had happened, he was the one who made the first move. 

Who said:“Everything okay, I’m still here. I was waiting for you.“

And when he saw Norman’s tears....the wall, Andrew had built, fell apart and the man made his way through the stones, determined, to welcome the person, that was locked out of his life for so long.

——-

They both rushed into each others arms. 

Nothing mattered, just the two, just their hug.

Andrew burried his head in Norman’s shoulder and the other way around. 

Andrew touched Normans neck, he grabbed his hair, placed the other hand on the back of his friend. 

He leaned against Norman, Norman against him. They supported each other, blended out everyone and everything.

‘I want to feel this with every inch of my body‘ Andrew thought.

————-

Norman was simply lost, lost in this ocean of feelings, from this wave of love that he received right now. 

No one on this planet could replace THAT. 

Daryl and Rick, Andrew and him, united again.

His whole body shook, tears on his face, hidden under strands of hair. 

All he could do was feel.

He nodded his face, ‘I understand you Rick, I understand you Andrew, I am here. I will not leave again.‘ what was he thought.

Suddenly, the actor heard a camera moving. 

The loudest noise, he had ever heard in his life.

 

——-

Andrew felt Norman slowly going back, that was when he woke up from this dream and realized, that he had a role to play. That he could not stand here forever.

He let his hands rest on Norman’s neck a bit longer than he should have, but he did not care.

He did not care at all, all he wanted was being close to Norman.

———-

‘Hug the others, now!’ Norman’s brain shouted.

He knew the script, so he followed. 

But right after, he looked back at Andrew.

‘I have something for you, I kept if for you.‘ Norman’s look said.

————-

Andrew was about to break down.

The gesture of Norman, standing there as Daryl, giving him back his weapon….it was like Norman saying “Even though you went to dark places, I waited for when you till you were ready to come back to me….“

Andrew may not know what it was between them, but he knew one thing: Their friendship was real, their support for each other was real. 

The loyalty of his friend, being symbolized in this scene, matching to real life - it gave him power.

Exactly the power it needed, to turn around and lead the crowd, lead them against Negan.

With confident, big steps, he led them to the house and out of the scene.

Right behind him, he could feel Norman walking, following.

His best friend.

They were together again and now, nobody could separate them anymore.

——  
.  
.  
.  
.  
.

 

“AAAAAND CUT“


End file.
